Jump to content

Western Civilization’s Last Stand

The Art of The Argument

Available Now | artoftheargument.com

Freedomain Radio Amazon Affiliate Links: United States - Canada - United Kingdom

Sign up for the Freedomain Mailing List: fdrurl.com/newsletter

Recommended Posts

Flip    0

Why do y'all think that so many marriages fail after children come into the picture? What is lacking in relationships that fail in response to stessors related to child-rearing? 

I find myself wanting to pose this question here, to see if there are any insights this community has that I haven't encountered before. I'm wondering whether I should seek parenthood. I'm in a relationship that's shaky at the moment -- well, it's been shaky for at least a year -- and although I'm open to having kids with this person if things improve, I'm worried that if we married and had kids, our relationship would deteriorate again. Just trying to move forward with open eyes. I'm in therapy, but I think I'd encounter perspectives here that my therapist would not be able to provide. 

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites
S1988    4

I think while children can exacerbate a problematic marriage, they're not the main cause. It's mainly because there's dysfunction in a relationship to begin with, such as an abusive partner or two people who get along okay, but don't have much in common. Sadly, some couples have babies since they assume that children will solve all of their problems, which is definitely a horrible reason to have kids. A baby isn't a panacea to issues; as a matter of fact, bringing a baby in the world for the wrong reasons only increases issues because the problems are still there, plus you have an extra mouth to feed.

Since there are issues between you and your partner, you both have two choices: get counseling or break up. If you're afraid of your relationship deteriorating when it seems to be shaky already, why dump your issues on your prospective kids? Sometimes, it's better to not have kids at all than to have them grow up in a dysfunctional family.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

To answer your first question, there could be some observation bias at work here. I mean, we see relationships fall apart all the time. Are you accurately measuring those that fall apart after having children compared to before having children? Perhaps having children just puts mediocre relationships to the ultimate test, and they fail. Whereas mediocre relationships can survive indefinitely when not facing the important decisions involved in child-rearing.

I agree with S1988. You're in a good position now to follow the most important parenting advice there is : Don't make babies with the wrong person! 

Prevention is so much easier than the cure here. If you're not in an undying, 'nothing could be better', type of relationship, then is it fair to add a kid to the mix? You want your child to be able to someday say "thanks, mom/dad, for doing everything you could to make my life great".

I'm guessing that you're "worried that if we married and had kids, our relationship would deteriorate again" because you already know, perhaps subconsciously, that those things would expose the weaknesses and break the limits of the relationship. I would say you have a duty to your child to get to the bottom of that before creating him/her, not after. If having children is a top priority for you, use that as motivation to either fix this relationship or move on to the next, hopefully ideal partner.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.