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henderyjem

To find yourself attractive

I consider myself an attractive-looking dude with a ton of physical abilities that do nothing but back up said claim. I feel attractive often, but sometimes I lose the belief and feel as if I want to hide because I don't look good. Why is that?

 

There's a girl I'm interested in that I haven't really talked to yet, let alone asked out, but I want to! Whenever I see her or am around her, I feel like I'm not attractive anymore and that I need to hide or escape her. Why is that?

 

I want the feeling of being confident about the way I look to remain while I'm interacting with said girl so that I can do something about not having asked her out. Can you help me?

 

Thank you.

 

Hendery Jem

 

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The problem with attractive women is that you have an incentive to disregard her flaws. Also, if your selfworth is based on your attractiveness, you are fooling yourself.

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Women care about status and money as men care about looks. Conversely, women care about looks as much as men care about personality.

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This has nothing to do with her, but my emotional reactions, programmed inside of my head by my abusive parents, bullying peers, and decade-long horror show of pure, daily suffering. I'm only now coming out of that into a normal life in which I have control, and I've had many, many good interactions since, but this is sort of like the final challenge for me. You guys don't need to go into Stefan-parroting mode since I usually hear it once every week; but no, this is about battling my own lack of controlling the severe emotional shut downs of the essence of my true self.

 

By the way, male physical attractiveness is very much a western thing; it should not matter that much unless you look like some kind of cave troll, which I don't; I'm quite a handsome guy and have been told this by many hot girls - but I don't care about that either, since it has nothing to do with the task at hand. Girls want a confident man, and looks in a guy is much less important - it is very much a western thing for males to care a lot about their looks to an exaggerated extent - so we can already put that point to rest. This is me deeply and badly needing to sort my emotional stuff out, because it's ruining my life to always reacting negatively whenever I'm in public, not being able to relax and be myself in order to project my true self.

 

Can you guys help me with that? I can be much more specific, should you require it.

 

Thanks!

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You do gain something from your reaction being around her. I mean that in a "coherence therapy"-way. For me I used to see everybody as better than myself, and because of that, I had to act a certain way around them. For me, this is the essence of codependency. It might not be your experience, but it is (was) mine.

At the same time I hated other people. So my acting was both a way of fooling others into believing that I liked them, and fooling myself that I liked them. I was conditioned to hide my not liking others, and conditioned to believe that others were better than me.

Today I am better at allowing me to feel whatever I feel towards others. It's ok to not like others, or aspects of others. All this was messed up in a knot for me. I don't any longer need for others to have a certain view of me. If others don't like me, that's fine.

This is what comes to mind. Hope it helps.

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7 hours ago, dysfunc_survivor said:

You do gain something from your reaction being around her. I mean that in a "coherence therapy"-way. For me I used to see everybody as better than myself, and because of that, I had to act a certain way around them. For me, this is the essence of codependency. It might not be your experience, but it is (was) mine.

At the same time I hated other people. So my acting was both a way of fooling others into believing that I liked them, and fooling myself that I liked them. I was conditioned to hide my not liking others, and conditioned to believe that others were better than me.

Today I am better at allowing me to feel whatever I feel towards others. It's ok to not like others, or aspects of others. All this was messed up in a knot for me. I don't any longer need for others to have a certain view of me. If others don't like me, that's fine.

This is what comes to mind. Hope it helps.

Well, I don't know this girl yet, and that's solely because of my emotional distress around her, but this is not exclusive to her all since it's a shell I'm trying to battle.

 

Yes, I've had experiences with that terrible thing called co-dependency, and it's just awful, and I'm SO done with that. I ended up hating the girl. But here's the thing: The girl I had the co-dependency with I had met online BECAUSE of my fear of meeting new people in REAL LIFE, and so the people I talked to online were afraid THEMSELVES, hence I only met really bad people (for me) who lacked confidence. See the cycle here? So, you see, with said girl I talked about above, I'm actually going AGAINST all that I ever knew before, since all I've kind of ever done is to talk to people on the Internet which has been the place where I can be calm, not put up defenses, and thus I could be myself. So this has to do with me battling my emotional and psychological innards in order to change past patterns, completely change the type of relationships I've engaged in and, therefore, change everything.

 

7 hours ago, _LiveFree_ said:

What's your history with women like? How old are you?

That's the thing. I don't have a history with women. Only dirty bitches with whom I only got acquainted with because I was too afraid to go up to girls in real life, and so I went online, and the girls who sit in front of a computer screen days on end CANNOT be anything else than dirty bitches without confidence who are also looking for bad people to attach to, but I'm rejecting that lifestyle now, and what I'm doing right now is to battle this and have a better life by associating with people in real life who are not fucked up. Thanks for your comment.

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Hi, Jem!

Ah, the ladies make total wusses of us all, don't they? As you describe your predicament, it is as if I were writing it.

Please let us know how it goes when you finally take action!

My question for you is: What can you proudly claim to have accomplished so far in life? Maybe that has something to do with male confidence.

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Welcome to the wonderful world of... 

WIFE TRAINING

Demand

As quickly as possible (when socially appropriate obviously) demonstrate high value (aka DHV). DHV is not the same as bragging, but rather demonstrating your sexual status with indirect cues. How do you know if you have successfully DHV'd ?

The Shit Test

This is a stupid test women will do unintentionally and instinctively when they see sexual potential in you. They'll throw some kind of hurdle at you for no other purpose other than to see how you'll respond. So how should you respond? 

Put her in her place

I like to be as arrogant / sarcastic with her as her shit test is with me. Real life example:

- *water is right next to the girl, I'm 2 seats away*

- Girl: "Can you pass me the water plz <3 xoxoxo thaank yoooouuuuuu"

- Me (with a huge grin): "Can you pour me the water plz <3 xoxoxo thaank yoooouuuuuu"

 

Supply

Your most valuable commodity is attention. Treat it that way. Never ever ever give it for free. Women are biologically incapable of valuing something unless it costs them (which is why we used to keep them in the kitchen). If you don't put a price on attention, oh boy... she will want and want and want and want and then.... she will completely lose respect for you, and likely cheat on you.

Example:

- Girl: "Ohhh babyyyyy can you help me with my homework? pllzzzz thx <3 xoxoxo"

- You: "It depends on your behavior"

- Girl: "Ohhh babyyyy plzzzzz I'll make you a sammmich!"

- You: "Meh..."

- Girl: "oh oh and I'll clean your room! I swear!"

- You: *grab her by the p-----* "Good girl"

 

This is known as Pavlov's experiment (google it). Works great on women.

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1 hour ago, Mishi2 said:

Hi, Jem!

Ah, the ladies make total wusses of us all, don't they? As you describe your predicament, it is as if I were writing it.

Please let us know how it goes when you finally take action!

My question for you is: What can you proudly claim to have accomplished so far in life? Maybe that has something to do with male confidence.

Not necessarily. I'm just from an incredibly fucked up society in Europe where men aren't men anymore, so I've never had a manly role model in my life (yet), and I'm extremely alone because I reject spending time with fucked up people, and so being confident around girls haven't been something I've had the opportunity to learn, sadly, but I've had lots and lots of training talking to girls online which has given me the opportunity to train my emotional defenses, and you can almost feel the wheels turning inside of you which want you to submit to the female powers, and so I have trained away some of the programmed-in-me girl-pleasing psychological functions since even on a screen your body tells you to please women, and I've had tons of interactions in real life with girls (that I haven't been into,) so it's not like I'm a complete socially inept, but actually interacting with people (especially girls) that I really want to have things to do with, contradicts my entire life story just because dysfunction has been the only thing present, and so rejecting the dysfunction, and focusing on nice people, will send my nervous system signals that I am hereby rejecting all that I was taught and programmed into believing, and thus it can be kind of a hard thing to do in practice, but it is my goal, and I will do it.

 

Make any sense?

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If you have no confidence with women because you've never interacted with them, then just go out and interact with them. They all aren't going to like you. Maybe 1/10 will. You only need 1. 

If you can't deal with women turning you down then you don't deserve a good woman. Go get your feelings hurt. 

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It's clear you like this person, but you also mentioned you don't "know them". What does that mean? Maybe I overlooked it but I didn't see where you described how you are seeing this person but don't know them. Is this like, some girl at the mall you walk past? Someone at school? 

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I became much more confident after I got some experience with women. I don't think that anything beats experience.

You have to know that you are high-quality man stuff that women would totally want if they only knew what you knew.

I am not convinced that there is any way to fake it. Women will pick up on that, or at least, the kind of sensitive beauty that you should want will notice this.

How do you get that confidence? I'm not convinced there is any other way than getting experience with women. And if you lack quality experience, then you have to get it somehow.

Spending time with women outside of a dating context may help.

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