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Total Self-Erasure

self-knowledge self-erasure

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15 replies to this topic

#1
RC91

RC91
  • 94 posts

Hey everybody,

 

I wanted to talk about self-erasure. Has anybody else had problems with this?

 

There's so many things I want to change/accomplish in my life, but for whatever reason I just refuse to actually commit myself to the actions I would need to take to achieve them. I'll sort of break two big ones down here:

 

1. Social & Relationships:

I have very few friends currently, and I'm starting to realize that the friends I do have may not be the best people for me. But when I think about trying new things, or going to meetup groups, or anything like that I feel a bit anxious and never will myself to do it. Then I get upset with myself for not making decisions to change, but that doesn't deter me from continuing to not change. 

 

 

2. My Own Business:

This honestly goes hand-in-hand with the social issues I face. I can build websites, and I want to run my own business doing freelance web design for local businesses. I KNOW I can build pretty good websites and that those websites would help the businesses generate more sales. But when it comes to SELLING the service I struggle motivating myself to make sales call.

 

I had been thinking out loud about these issues earlier and I had this train of thought:

 

Imagine that I had a product....let's say it's a pen. It's the best pen ever, it writes fluidly from full to dry, and it can hold twice as much ink as any other pen without taking up more space, etc... However, I don't make sales calls to sell the pen, I don't advertise the pen, I don't sell it to retailers, hell even half the people I know personally have no idea this pen exists. It's almost as if I don't want people to know it exists.

 

 

And then I realized that maybe that's it. Maybe, for whatever reason, I just don't want people to even know I exist? I don't know, but I'm very frustrated and this issue is really stagnating my entire life and I need help.


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#2
neeeel

neeeel
  • 589 posts

I also have problems with this. Only just starting to realise how difficult I find it to have wants and needs, to express them, to know what I want to do, and do it. 

 

Its possible that you really just dont like the selling aspect, and arent able to do it well. Perhaps you could find someone who can do the selling for you, and build up the business together?

 

I cant give much advice, except, go back to therapy. I think that therapy is a great way to explore self erasure and heal.


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#3
aviet

aviet

    Circumstance trumps ideals #war

  • 438 posts

First, on the business front the key is to keep at it. I was able to build a viable SEO business from zero in about six months. But I had quite a bit of prior experience; even with that it took time and I could have been doing a lot more if I had clients who knew what I could do.

On cold calling. It's difficult and something I would rather avoid. But my old company did it and the results were very low. You'd be lucky to get one client from a whole day of calling and that is with 'professional' cold callers doing it.

The best clients always came from word of mouth.You could try going to those business meetups that I think you've mentioned. One of my friends, who give no shits, had success with trying to sell businesses face to face by going round businesses. He built about half of his clients like this. Very forward. Once when cast out of reception, he climbed through a window into a meeting room where a meeting was in session and immediately began pitching.

Give it time. For both the businesses I started on my own, it took 6 months for the first one and maybe one year for the second one to get up to a decent to good income.

As fro going to meetups. Take advantage of living in The Pitt. I live in a really rural area and if there is anything relevant round here to me I'm pretty sure it would be mainly 60+ year old people there. You could also take the initiative to start an FDR or Proud Boys group.

Here's an idea I want to follow through on, when I have time to break from work:

Make a list of your positives and negatives,

e.g.

Positive:

I am pretty good looking
I have a good income

Negatives:

Low social interaction
Bad wardrobe
Bit flabby
Unorganised with my cleaning

Then come up with a game plan to get rid of the negatives.


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#4
thecurrentyear

thecurrentyear
  • 149 posts

I like aviet's suggestion to use referrals. You can think of it as a tree that branches out from one stem or trunk to grow into an entire book of business. Cold calls suck and it hardly ever works. But if you can get a foot in a door somewhere, then call on their neighbors and everyone you meet on the way (coffee shop, barber, mechanic, landlord, etc, etc) and make that one connection pay off.

 


Positive:

I am pretty good looking
I have a good income

Negatives:

Low social interaction
Bad wardrobe
Bit flabby
Unorganised with my cleaning

Then come up with a game plan to get rid of the negatives.

 

As a woman, if you care...I would want you to focus only on playing up masculine traits and skills. Organizing your cleaning and improving your wardrobe would be the last things I would want you to focus on, and would prefer to help with them myself once in a relationship. Maybe that's just me. Definitely work on ridding the flab and magnifying the positives. FWIW just my thoughts.


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#5
RC91

RC91
  • 94 posts

Thanks for the responses everyone. But my issue is that I "erase" myself from those actions in the first place.

 

I'm really struggling to come up with the wording for what I'm trying to say. It's like I hate myself or something to the point that I completely hide or destroy myself by not taking actions in the first place.


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#6
neeeel

neeeel
  • 589 posts

Thanks for the responses everyone. But my issue is that I "erase" myself from those actions in the first place.

 

I'm really struggling to come up with the wording for what I'm trying to say. It's like I hate myself or something to the point that I completely hide or destroy myself by not taking actions in the first place.

 

Right, and thats not something you are likely to be able to overcome on your own. Or quickly


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#7
thecurrentyear

thecurrentyear
  • 149 posts

Right, and thats not something you are likely to be able to overcome on your own. Or quickly

 

Hmmm...how do you know?


Changing your daily activities is a process. The habits that need to be built up require re-wiring in your brain, essentially. So it's best to add them gradually. If you get overwhelmed, you will condemn yourself and quit. If you look back at new habits you've added in the past 6 months or a year, you can probably see that you've already made a lot of progress. Probably more than you have in mind when you decide "I just refuse to actually commit myself to the actions I would need to take to achieve them"

I think that's actually not a true statement, but one you are using to justify coming here and dwelling on your "problem" as opposed to adding more things that are difficult to your activities and tasks for the week. Just a thought.


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#8
neeeel

neeeel
  • 589 posts

Hmmm...how do you know?


Changing your daily activities is a process. The habits that need to be built up require re-wiring in your brain, essentially. So it's best to add them gradually. If you get overwhelmed, you will condemn yourself and quit. If you look back at new habits you've added in the past 6 months or a year, you can probably see that you've already made a lot of progress. Probably more than you have in mind when you decide "I just refuse to actually commit myself to the actions I would need to take to achieve them"

I think that's actually not a true statement, but one you are using to justify coming here and dwelling on your "problem" as opposed to adding more things that are difficult to your activities and tasks for the week. Just a thought.

 

You may be ( likely are) right. At the same time, if you are destroying yourself and your actions, without knowing why, its incredibly difficult to stop doing that, even a little bit, and having the support and guidance of a therapist is extremely helpful. 

 

I am not suggesting that you cant also do things in your own time, with your own efforts. 


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#9
thecurrentyear

thecurrentyear
  • 149 posts

I'm not suggesting you're wrong neeel, just asking how we could know for sure.


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#10
neeeel

neeeel
  • 589 posts

I'm not suggesting you're wrong neeel, just asking how we could know for sure.

 

I was just talking from personal experience, and probability. Of course its possible that he triggers something somehow and self launches, but the number of those is pretty small, and its more likely that therapy will be needed IMO.


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#11
Spenc

Spenc
  • 148 posts

I'm reminded of some older volumes of the FDR podcasts, when Stef would talk about his young daughter.  He would talk about responding to her emotions and desires to instill in her a sense of control over her environment and positive effects from experiencing her emotions. 

 

I'm also wondering what it was like as a child for you to be visible in the household?  Like in some families, if a child is hanging around the parent while s/he's busy with chores, they tell you to go play or go watch tv or whatever.  Your presence just becomes an opportunity for your parents to send you off and reject your desire to be with them.  Or maybe they even insist that you join in on a boring chore since you don't seem to have anything better to be doing.  Even without anything like blatant abuse, being present and visible to your family can seem negative.  Obviously, it's worse if you have sibling rivalries that escalate to violence or mental/emotional abuse, to the point where a child feels more secure hiding away in his or her room or somewhere else away from the others.


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#12
Danske

Danske
  • 61 posts

I'm guessing you were shamed a lot for the products of your efforts.

To others throwing business advice at the guy when it's an emotional issue - this is a philosophy forum and you are not getting to the root of anything. It's also an insult to the guy's intelligence. It reminds me of my first (terrible) counsellor who gave cooking advice when I told her I was binging on junk food. It doesn't resolve the issue and in my experience people who do this are trying to set themselves up as an authority over someone who has shown vulnerability and THAT is their main goal. Not to help or understand.


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#13
thecurrentyear

thecurrentyear
  • 149 posts

I'm guessing you were shamed a lot for the products of your efforts.

To others throwing business advice at the guy when it's an emotional issue - this is a philosophy forum and you are not getting to the root of anything. It's also an insult to the guy's intelligence. It reminds me of my first (terrible) counsellor who gave cooking advice when I told her I was binging on junk food. It doesn't resolve the issue and in my experience people who do this are trying to set themselves up as an authority over someone who has shown vulnerability and THAT is their main goal. Not to help or understand.

 

Maybe you should show us how it's done.


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#14
RC91

RC91
  • 94 posts

I'm also wondering what it was like as a child for you to be visible in the household?  Like in some families, if a child is hanging around the parent while s/he's busy with chores, they tell you to go play or go watch tv or whatever.  Your presence just becomes an opportunity for your parents to send you off and reject your desire to be with them. 

 

Yeah most of the memories I have of childhood that involve me trying to assert myself or state my preference involve being scorned or made to feel that my preference was just an annoyance in general.

 

 

 

Obviously, it's worse if you have sibling rivalries that escalate to violence or mental/emotional abuse, to the point where a child feels more secure hiding away in his or her room or somewhere else away from the others.

 

Yeah I usually preferred being alone in my room or down in the basement and if somebody came into my room without knocking or asking I'd get very very angry with them.


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#15
RichardY

RichardY
  • 366 posts

Maybe you could focus on one particular industry to sell websites to. I knew a guy in Austria who sold websites to restaurants and small businesses, perhaps if the owner of a business felt the website was good enough, they would hesitate at the possibility that you may sell to their competitors and be at a disadvantage. Perhaps you could show various prototypes, to help the client make an informed decision. 

 

Yeah I usually preferred being alone in my room or down in the basement and if somebody came into my room without knocking or asking I'd get very very angry with them.

Take heart in your anger.


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#16
RC91

RC91
  • 94 posts

Well as an update a guy who's been mentoring me through weekly skype calls said he'd be willing to hire me on as a designer for his web-development/design company. So I guess for now the stress and immediacy of needing to build the skillset of sales is lifted. But it's still something I feel I should tackle either way.

 

 

And what do you mean by "tale heart in your anger"?


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