Long title, yes.
My awakening has been a slow coming. It's somewhat late in life but I don't want to spend the rest in misery. I am 44 years old. I live in Absurdistan, formerly known as Sweden. My dream was to become a musician. How clever. Nobody pays for those anymore. I compensated my dysfunction by practicing my instrument insane number of hours. Didn't work. "Never give up on your dreams". Only a fool keeps pursuing dreams that are disguised nightmares.
I want to give something back. I've learned so much but my truth is insanity here. I have nothing to show for the effort I have put in. I want to move away from here. My therapists have told me that it's a escape mechanism, that I don't want to face my fears. It's funny because when I have told them about what I have faced they end the therapy (because of transferrence?). Yay public healtcare!
It seems that what is needed for this country is viewed as so offensive that it is completely impossible to convey. Being a middle aged supposedly privileged white male but lacking the evidence for that priviledge, i e the fancy car, the fancy apartment in the fancy community etc, it seems a futile endeavour.
My "career" has been interrupted several times due to depression. Like I told a friend recently; "The only thing I know is to get a job." Working with low intelligence, leftist feminists that get drunk on the weekend. Yeah that dream I had kind of screwed up my chances of increasing my income.
40 to 80 is a long time.