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Colin_Turner

16 age gap relationship. Co dependency with abusive narcissist

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Well I started a relationship with a seventeen year old called Maria when I was thirty two. First mistake.  I later and quickly discovered that her mother died of a slow cancer a year before our meeting and Maria was a virtual prisoner in her home. Her family are high;y dysfunctional with drug and alcohol abuse from her older brothers. Her relationship with me was a clandestine one, nobody knew anything. She was destine to have an arranged marriage with her uncles son. She is a Muslim from Pakistani decent. I would cook her meals at night and listen to her life story. It became physical almost immediately. 

 

I left the relationship of a year to move away and get married. My marriage failed because of emails and spying from Maria. She even posted on my youtube channel. My wife discovered everything and her e-mails and I was unable to explain this was a previous relationship. I protected Maria from any public exposure in that matter.

 

My wife and I seperated by an ocean and feelings of betrayal. I was unable to convince my wife that she was the most important thing in my life. Maria had come right back to me thinking she had won. I never blamed her for my marriage break up but I was angry at her for her input. Maria's father had a deep and passionate hatred for me before any of this came about.

 

Her family hack her e-mails only to discover everything about our relationship. They blame me for the break up of her marriage and her subsequent running away. This was never what I wanted but it happened never the less.

 

Marie was suicidal in the first month of returning to me. She would cry and scream histerically. Walking about at night talking to strange groups of men. When I asked her why she said she wanted to get raped and killed. I found her part time work. this gave her some purpose. I was also working full time. I tried to introduce Maria to my mother but she was dead against me having anything to do with her. Stating she was a woman with no moral standards and had shamed her family and would shame me.

 

Maria gets pregnant, claiming it was mines. But she cheats on me with a guy she had invited up to her flat. to this day she denies sleeping with him but I don't believe her even though I want to. I wasn't sure who's the baby was. I asked her to terminate the pregnancy. She was a twenty year old with no life skills. What kind of child would she raise. She was too unstable and I felt this was a mistake. Post termination she improves a great deal. I felt she had turned a new leaf. My plan was to walk away and never go back to her. This didn't happen. Instead I fell in love with her again and we improved for months. 

 

Maria biggest wish is to return to her family, her father tells her she can but only if she kills me. To restore her honor. This doesn't happen and she cannot cope with her families hatred of her and me.

 

Later friends come into the picture. Maria has money and a flat. Her friends come round to smoke weed and drink and party. Maria beginning to sink into a depression as I was constantly telling her that her friends are human garbage, not worth knowing. This creates tension. Her friends have all betrayed her in the past and used her for money, they are all her enemies now which is an old pattern. They convinced Maria I will never marry her, and on her friends advice, Maria texts me stating its over. Thanks for everything. I leave the situation thinking she is upset. I'll give her a few days. She doesn't call or text. 

 

A week goes by. Nothing. I'm busy with my situations so I forge ahead. two weeks later Marias brother attacks me in the street. I punch him and he runs away. I go back to Maria to ask her to call her family and ask them why escalate this situation. On entering Marias Flat I find electrical items and bags of shopping. Maria had met a criminal fraudster in McDonalds and had sex with him after knowing him only two days. She then does a banking fraud for 12,000 and this guy takes all her money and leaves her on my discovery of what had happened. Maria was furious with me as she blamed him running away on me. She asked me to repair her relationship with this fraudster, I refused, In less than two weeks Maria had commited fraud and infidelity. I couldn't believe how a person could fall so far so fast. Even after I return Maria is on Badoo looking for men.

 

Maria then makes false allegations to the police lies to have me arrest for breach of the peace and claims I threatened her. This was a total lie. The Judge asked how a man without any history of court action got here today. I was silent.

 

Maria is broke no money and is asking for my help again. Today I'm trying to repair our relationship, my family aren't accept her and nobody is sympathetic to me or Maria. They have all said basically she is an abused person that only communicates through an abusive lens.

 

I have been reading up on co dependency. I have always tried to help her at great cost and expensive to myself. Even typing this I can't make sense of this relationship. I want to save her and I do love her. Its just the infidelity and betrayal have hurt me badly, she has no reason,  when I ask why. I have tried to keep a face of respectability. Maria wants to run away as a solution. I told her her problems are internal. Running away solves nothing.

 

What can I do to fix her or fix myself? Something has to get fixed or whats the point of all the carnage. I don't want my last 5 years to have been for nothing.

 

I know this post is beneath even Jerry Springer. I can only apologies for bring it to Stefs FDR but out of all the forums this is the place, I'll get told honestly what is wrong with me and Maria. If you have any questions just ask. I haven't slept in 3 days trying to find a solution. This is all I could do.

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ChrisN    2

Colin,

 

It's a really tough situation for sure and I can only imagine what it's like to have gone through it. You could start by asking yourself some questions about the relationship. Why do you love her and attracted you to her in the first place? If she loves you back, what is it that she loves about you? You say that she brought you to the police on false allegations and claimed that the baby was yours but that you wern't sure. If she lied about such serious things, do you still believe that you can have a healthy relationship with her? As for fixing her or yourself, I have not ever personally been able to fix or mold anyone for the better (though I have tried a few times) nor seen anyone fundamentally change another through intentional will before so I'm not sure it's possible but I could be wrong. Self-knowledge of yourself, your motivations, and how you got into the situation may be able to guide you towards an answer about exactly what to do. I know things must be so hard going through that situation but if you want things to be better in the future for you and her you may want to spend some time thinking things through.

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Free Will    2

Have you heard this call-in show?

I think many of the ideas apply directly to you're situation..I hope it helps with you're path to self knowledge...skip tp 35:05

To answer you're question..There is nothing you can do to fix her...She is the only one that can do that...You can only control your own actons.

 

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Maria is confused and wants to intamacy with me right now. She claims to love me but thinks she is damaged goods. That I talk about her failing to everyone which is true. I have been trying my best to go back with her because of seperation anxiety. I am blinded and can't see a future without her right now.

 

She is a pass aggresive person that has no drive or ambition in life. I have been the only source of normallacy. yet she runs towards troubled people with problems and morals worse than her own.

 

I'm not sure how to repair myself never mind her.

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blondie    0

Colin,

Run for your life! I know this is an old post, but there is a chance that you might see this. If you let them continue to suck you in, you will be trapped in a hell that is very difficult to escape. I could go on because I have lived it, but you need to search for the terms Narcissist and Psychopath. These people have some sort of radar, and knowledge, conscious or not, that allows them to target the moral or weak persons, using your values against you, and/ or your hurts and wounds being constantly reopened.

Do No Contact, and get help for yourself.

Warning: NEVER do couples therapy with a narcissist. They are even able to make YOU look like the problem to the therapist!!! Nothing like being injured again in what should be a "safe" environment.

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