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Newborns dropped into daycare.

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16 replies to this topic


  • 1566 posts

I now know 2 acquaintances who have put children less than 6 months old into day care. This seems so completely crazy that I cannot understand it.


Both of them are working moms, one with what I think might be a career (I barely know her), and another who has a mediocre job. One of them has put her 3 month old into daycare.


The other I think has done the same at around a similar age. She was talking about he expensive it is, and yet how it gives her a couple hours of free time each day.


Considering this conversation, where we promote spending the formative years of a child's life having a close and respectful relationship, this seems like a huge contrast with 'dumping' your infant into the care of somebody else.


I'd have to think that I'd be extremely distressed if a potential partner advocated this style of parenting.. I don't even...


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does anybody else know of young women making this choice? Anybody have any sort of explanation?

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  • 140 posts

Yep, three women I know right now went through the same thing. 3 months leave to spend with your brand new, fully dependent baby is what is considered typical in the U.S. One woman even went back to work after 6 weeks!


Another of the women I questioned her. 

Me: "Why don't you become a stay at home mom?"

Her: "Well, I like my job."


A few hours later it came up again. She was complaining how her baby had become distanced from her after she took a week-long work trip. She explained that the baby was actually giving her the cold shoulder (which was really a defense mechanism; why would he put his efforts into bonding with her when he has no idea if and when she's going to leave him and for how long) and was showing a much stronger preference for the dad. It made her really sad:


Me: "That's why it would be so good to become a stay at home mom!"

Her -getting mildly irritated- : "Sure, but it's just not practical."


So you can see that her reasoning is not reasoning at all. How could you possibly like your job more than your baby. And how does liking your job and not wanting to give it up to be with your baby have anything to do with practicality?


Another went on antidepressants because she was "getting weepy" (self-described) after dropping the baby off for daycare every morning. I tried to tell her that's not depression, that's a natural biological response. Again, the comment bounced off some kind of mental wall of hers.


I am trying to be empathetic so that I can understand where it's coming from. You could attribute it to bad parenting, but that's circular... and  I know a lot of these people want to be good parents... I guess they just don't know how. Their priorities are all out of whack.


For women in particular, we have been raised to value and desire becoming "career women"... the title "stay-at-home mom" is for unambitious and uneducated women. It's simply imbedded into our brains by government schooling and careless parents.

  • Women make up half the population, and when they aren't working, the aren't paying income tax. So it's to the governments benefit to make girls believe that in order to be independent and respectable, they must join the workforce (that's a big chunk of change for an organization that runs on theft). I'd say that accounts for part
  • The other part is that we're not taught to accept our emotions and let them guide us. So rather than taking the weepiness as a hint and changing your ways, you swallow a pill to fit in with culture
  • And another part is that these mothers themselves are lacking empathy, and don't understand the needs of their own children
  • Some women didn't plan ahead, and feel they need the income to be able to "properly" take care of their baby (meaning buy it hundreds of dollars worth of toys)
  • Some women's mothers chose career over time with baby, so they are repeating the cycle
  • Some women don't want to challenge themselves and are more comfortable going to work than raising a child

Maybe all of these points are related and could be compacted down into a more clear theory, something I'll try to work on. BUT ALL the women of course are 100% responsible for these failures, I'm just trying to understand the motive. I still think it's horribly wrong what they are doing.


(I should mention that I haven't heard from my "friend" after making these small mentionings about stay-at-home parenting. Coincidence? I don't know.)

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  • 453 posts
Have you seen the "I Am Adam Lanza's Therapist" vid? "RAD children were not born RAD. They were born to love and be loved. Every child I ever met with a propensity for violence was the natural product of extremely painful treatment, usually beginning with being left in daycare too young (perhaps as newborns) and too long (daily, throughout their first years). It was so painful the child drew a conclusion that they were alone in the world, and they gave up on the deepest drive and hope of all, love. They gave up on loving and being loved and cherished. They were not loveable. They decided they were on their own and there was no adult in the world they could trust. They decided never to be vulnerable again, because it hurts too much. We all know adults who feel that way. This is why. However, our injuries were small compared to Adam’s, Dylan’s, Eric’s, Jared’s and Seung-Hui’s. It’s relative. Sometimes a three-month-old draws this conclusion. I have seen it. The infant will arch her back and push away. If the parent tries to make eye contact or talk tenderly, she will wriggle or point to the corner in the ceiling to “change the subject”. Sometimes a two-year-old draws the same conclusion. It is a decision a child forms before the age of three when the seeds of extreme violence are set. By the same token, the seeds of resilient mental health are set before the age of five, the optimal year to let them leave home for a while. It all stems from how they are treated in the beginning years of life. It’s a decision the child makes that can be unmade, with the right intervention. Everyone wants to love and be loved if it’s safe, only if it’s safe."

I'd have to think that I'd be extremely distressed if a potential partner advocated this style of parenting.. I don't even...

It's the opposite of parenting though. :)
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Falling Trees

Falling Trees
  • 29 posts

My mother runs a daycare and gets asked to take in 3 months to 1 year fairly often and it just baffles me to no end. To have such an impulse to step on your child connection with you.

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Victor L.

Victor L.
  • 1 posts

The most shocking example I have experienced pertaining to irresponsible parenting and daycare are when parents leave their children at daycare on their day off. When I ask why they leave their children at daycare on their day off the answer is always "Well I paid for the whole week, so I might as well use the services I pay for...you know so I don't get ripped off...duh". Not once considering the potential cost of the abandonment of their child later on in life. Never considering that they are actually PAYING for a disconnected relationship with their child! What a bargain!

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  • 70 posts
Well the unfortunate thing is that I think most people view having children as just another waypoint in a "normal" life. It's almost a social expectation. I can remember my mom always saying that people without kids end up as weirdos. I know a couple who had their first kid a while back. The whole family planning schedule is around how long maternity benefits last, etc. etc. As soon as they ran out, wife was back to work, kid stuck in daycare. And they just whine constantly about how expensive daycare is. Daycare around here is over $1000 per month for 5 days a week. So instead of having one parent stay home and getting by on a little less they decide it's better to have both parents work, with pretty close to half of one's after tax income going to daycare so they can have an extra $1000 or $1500 a month to buy frivolous stuff. None of the choices are based around what's best for the child, it's all about financial considerations. They bought a ridiculously large house for people in their early 30's and are mortgaged to the limit I'm sure. I think most believe that since people can't consciously remember things before they were 2 or 3 years old that nothing that happens during that time sticks with you. It's very sad.
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  • 13 posts

at least its better that they stick them in day care when they are at this age than when they are older (lets say 1) and has a bond to the parent and dont want to be away, at least they will be too young to know.

But i personally think that if a person hands away a small baby at that age, they know that it will affect there bonding, and whatever reason they have they think that that reason is more important than having a bond with their child.

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  • 200 posts

They will be too young to remember but they will be negatively affected.  I think that people are prone to doing this because they think "so many others do it, so it must be ok, or at least my kids will be like the others and have no fewer advantages in life".  I was given a hard time by many men I worked with when I had my twins.  They all said I should put the kids in daycare and come back to work.  They told me they feared I'd gain weight at home, become unhappy, lose motivation for my individuality and professional life.  Those idiots have no clue.  I started two small businesses, started doing what I loved just part time and have been a happy mother and homemaker.  Most of the happiness comes from my husband and I knowing we are taking care of the kids.  My working part time and his working at a place that doesn't pay much means we don't make as much as we could but, the family life and the peace and health we get from our routine (we homeschool, too) is worth it's weight in gold.  I felt very pressured by people I admired at work but am glad I followed one thing-the reality of what my children most needed.  As they get older I am aware I can invest more in my businesses and when they leave home I can do it full time and without the guilt that I probably would have had I not gave them my full investment right now.  If my business grows a certain extent in terms of profitability, my husband would leave his job to be home and I would increase my hours.  

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  • 22 posts

You can NOT give away your children if you haven't even done the 18 month of breastfeeding, it can do TERRIBLE harm and while your child may become a case of "he turned out fine", you can't get the counterexample because each child's developement is unique.

Many factors come into play and it is dosedependent, but please please please DO NOT THREATEN YOUR CHILD'S BOND and don't just stand by when others do it!

I experienced quite a few of these cases and it is just SO harmful. 

Show compassion and fight, try to make the case. The material is avaiable to everyone for free or very little money.

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  • 14 posts

I was listening to Stefans' podcast, It's subbed, I don't know when he made it.

It was uploaded by another on Oct 5th 2015

The Truth About Daycare & Absentee Parents https://youtu.be/t1shQK7mP4Y

Once I gained my drivers license, the first thing on my mind was being hired " a job"

I was 17, my first car, long story. My parents didn't buy it. It came out of money that

was my own. My 1200.00 car, I am dating myself.


My friend was a volunteer at the city hospital. She said they always need volunteers,

you should go up there.  She to give me the contact info. I called,I made the appt, I met

a woman who was of the Red Cross, her office in the admin offices, the same hosp.


She was very interested in me. She to ask me if I would take a test, this after the interview.

I was WOW this is pretty heavy for being one to pass out magazines to patients.


She then said there was an opening, a volunteer needed, to work at the  Hospitals Staff

Daycare, a daycare for staff members infant to preschool age children. This was in a separate

building. She sent me, I went.  I wasn't to be there for any length of time, I did stay.

I was there for about 2 hours.  The director was a lovely lady, she was from Australia.

She asked if I would return the next day, after school let out. I very excited, yes I will.


That day, my first real day, I was offered a paid hourly part time position.

I was placed in the infant room. 6wks was the youngest. A wait list for the infant room,

that was of many women, they employed or their spouses employed by the hospital.


There was 6 infants assigned to each caregiver. The oldest was 12 mos. They at

12.5 mos were graduated across the hall to the toddler room. 12 toddlers to each

care giver. I graduated after a year with the infants I began with. I moved with the

children. I was employed with this daycare for just shy of five years, part time, full time.


I voluntarily quit. I said to myself, I cannot do another tour. These were my first kids.

I saw them 5 days a week, from they being 6wks to now 4.5 yrs, 5 yrs of age, they

to graduate off to Kindergarten. These kids today are in their 30's - they to be

married, children of their own, I suspect.


The mothers who were nurses, doctors, they used the day care " at times of"

need, and or within an odd shift thrown at them. These kids were not lifers.


The babies, the toddlers, the preschoolers of the women who were of Admin level, executive.

These the women in the suits. These women who waited until they were mid 30's

early 40's to have their " ONE", these were the lifers. They were brought in

by one or the other parent, at crack axx dawn, and they were not picked up until

after 5:30 pm. They there 5 days a week. These were my heart breakers.


These who were lifers, they why I would not quit. Why I stayed and went to the

end with them. I simply was gobsmacked by their mothers.


These women who had years of work within their past, plenty of time to bank a savings.

These women making huge bacon, early 80's,

mid 80's compared to the NURSES. They bringing in over 40, 50k " the Eighties"

when Money was worth something. This them, not including their spouses income added

to their household.


Where is BABY? Baby makes a great conversation piece over a stiff martini

and shoes kicked off, on a Friday night. As these lifers knew that who ever was picking them

up on FRIDAY.. they had a diaper bag all ready and packed, they were to go to So and So's

house to spend the night, because .. MOTHER had a tough week in the board room.


This when your heart is cracking breaking, this precious little person holding on to you so tight.

They tired, it's near 6pm, they've been with you the 2nd shift, they dropped off at 6AM.

They burying their head into your neck, they snorting their snorty breath, squeezing your

boob, they whisper, Mumma .. as their bio donor and or who ever was sent to pick them up

on FRIDAY .. stares at you, as if you had stolen their children's trust away...from them. 


No no sorry, no can do, you're going to have to figure out your guilt trip your laying

on yourself with someone else. I am not that person. I am to remind this precious baby boy and or

baby girl, my name is " Miss ___", me to have to pry them off my body, to hand them over.

They some to scream their brains out, arms out reached to me. Their own mother  a stranger to them.


They to know, it was that they learned very early the label Mumma, became what it was

Unspoken. My highest wage when I left, after just shy of 5 yrs of service, my hourly rate: 4.02 an hour.


I was though in exchange provided 5 yrs of education of what not to do, my daughter is today almost

25. She is married, she has two babies. Her husband, he is hungry. He works full time and takes on every and any

odd job extra, that she is " able" to stay home and Raise ' their children" - they are not rich.


There is no way she could make enough $$$ to put one let alone two into daycare, it would cost her/them

in countless ways, the children to lose out the most.  She wants to be at home, if she had a choice, she

would be ? at home.


They make it work, they to know, if it's not them, who is it to be? they planned their children, and both

know it's 24/7 " shared" - sacrifice isn't as painful as some think it is ..in the big scope wallets do not have feelings.


The kids, each and everyone of them from the daycare, I remember their names, their faces, their 

uniqueness each one held. I can only pray that someone saw within them their personalities and they

were provided for .. a person to come along to recognize them, that they were not felt to be permanent

orphans..grrr ..  Kids are not house plants. They need LOVE from their parents, they need to BOND.


This is who they are human beings, they are not puppets...to be used for show. These Executive Mothers

where are they now.. more than likely receiving a ' Jelly of the month club" membership for Christmas, from

their " Child" they .. had to have.

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Lotus Flowery

Lotus Flowery
  • 28 posts

I can think of no other word to describe this than "sociopathic".

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  • 180 posts

It indicates that it is the women raised to believe they can have a career and be (absentee) mothers who are actually quite uneducated in what is required to be either. 

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  • 98 posts
I was put in daycare from 6 weeks old. When I asked my mother recently why she did that, she said it was because they couldn't afford for her not to work. She didn't get paid maternity leave. And lots of babies get put in daycare so she figured it was fine. I don't think she ever thought too much about it. She later became a SAHM, working part time from when I was 10 and quitting work entirely when I was about 15. A bit late for me, but I guess it benefitted my younger siblings. But the main factor in that decision was that daycare for all of us was costing more than she earned so my patents decided it made financial sense for her to quit.
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  • 338 posts

I now know 2 acquaintances who have put children less than 6 months old into day care. This seems so completely crazy that I cannot understand it.


Both of them are working moms, one with what I think might be a career (I barely know her), and another who has a mediocre job. One of them has put her 3 month old into daycare.


The other I think has done the same at around a similar age. She was talking about he expensive it is, and yet how it gives her a couple hours of free time each day.


Considering this conversation, where we promote spending the formative years of a child's life having a close and respectful relationship, this seems like a huge contrast with 'dumping' your infant into the care of somebody else.


I'd have to think that I'd be extremely distressed if a potential partner advocated this style of parenting.. I don't even...




does anybody else know of young women making this choice? Anybody have any sort of explanation?


I'll share my personal experience as a mother and as a daycare worker and put my two cents in. 


I stayed with my son at home for the first year of his life.  My hubby and I ran a business out of our home so I could work a little but always was present for my son.  As the business grew and we moved it to a nearby office, I put my son in daycare partime.  I never took him too early or picked him up late.  I never let him be there for more than 5 hours.  In those hours I worked at our business because at that time my hubby and I had all of our eggs in one basket. 


When my daughter came along, I wasn't working and stayed home with her for 6 months.  But my hubby was gone all the time working and I had no family around to help.  So at 6 months, I put her in daycare 2 days a week.  It was terrible for her so I took her out.  So my son was in daycare, as he was adjusted and I stayed home with my daughter.  That felt like a nice balance and when we could find an available Montessori preschool, I enrolled my son and he loved it and thrived and entered my daughter at 2 years old.


Since it felt like I was a single parent since my hubby worked outside of the state for weeks at a time and had literally no help around, my entire life evolved around these kids so yes...the 5 hours that I had them in the preschool/daycare was a lifesaver for me.


However I knew other mothers from those schools who had family support and either worked or didn't and just shopped all day or worked their stupid jobs instead and I didn't understand it.  Their hubby made enough money anyway and they still chose work over being with their babies at home.  


Fast forward almost a decade and now my kids are in grade school and I work during the day but get home before they do so they have a hot meal and a hug waiting for them when tey get home.  


But I've worked at  a daycare with babies who were 3 months old.  This....is absolute torture for the kids.  I don't mind shaming mothers who put their 3 month old in daycare.  EVEN the babies who were 6 months...like my daughter.... had a VERY difficult time which made me so glad I took my daughter out when I realized how hard it was and waited.  


Mothering small babies is exhausting, mind numbing at times, yes...we need a break from time to time but I think, mothers are NOT prepared of how difficult it is and thus when it becomes overwhelming, they just default on daycare and trick themselves into thinking this is what's best for the child and just happens to be comforable for the parent.  


Even when I had my children in daycare/preschool I was NEVER rushed.  I always stayed with them until they felt comfortable and if it was a really bad morning for them, I wouldn't send them if I felt they needed extra time with me.  But I designed my life for that flexibility.


When I see parents hurry their children or rush to leave the daycare saying a quick goodbye...it's so depressing.  There are some parents who hug and kids the kids and wish them a good day and that's encouraging but sometimes, it's how you deal with things more than debating if daycare is good or bad, etc.  


Parents who bring the kids in and complain to the CHILD how in a hurry they are and don't have time and need to go before they are late for work, etc.  it's so pathetic.  LIke a child can comprehend the importance of shuffling papers around.  I get so disgusted by these parents.  


But anyway, I think, the trend arises from women who are already mothers not being honest in how difficult and challenging but rewarding it is to raise babies properly.  They opt for convenience.  I plan on having a conversation with my daughter in the future about it but not in a 'you were a burden' context as often is a maniuplation tactic by parents.  But trying not to deter her to shy away from challenges in life and accepting this is a challenge but with fantastic rewards each and every day and embracing our role in child-raising.  This has been lost in culture and hopefully is finding it's way back.  

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Blake Carrington

Blake Carrington
  • 22 posts

I don't know whether this is a thing in the west, but in Croatia people believe children will become asocial if you don't put them in kindergarten.

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  • 200 posts

I don't know whether this is a thing in the west, but in Croatia people believe children will become asocial if you don't put them in kindergarten.

I live in the US and people say that all the time.

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  • 1566 posts

Thanks for keeping this thread alive guys.


Here's a quick update on the situation. One of the 2 women has had a second child, and made the exact same choice as the first one. As soon as her maternity leave ran out, she went right back to work. The newborn went right into daycare.

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