I’ve been meaning to put a little “intro/confession” together here for a couple weeks now. [/procrastination]
I’ll intentionally ramble in a stream-of-consciousness sort of manner because I really don’t want to filter myself, and I don’t think there’s really a better way to go about this.
I’ve been burning through podcasts like crazy for the past few months (most of volumes 1, 2, the current, and now 4, trying to skip a few here and there and stop the perfectionism purely for the sake of time), and I can’t believe how many things seem to apply to my life/childhood or resonate with me currently (particularly the stuff on women and dating).
To be as brief as possible, as there are so many directions I could take this:
I think my childhood was one of neglect much more than abuse. I don’t remember being spanked, and if I’m blocking a memory of that kind I’m almost certain it wasn’t the ritualistic or sadistic type--more like one whack on the ass and that’s it.
I’m now running one half of my father’s business, and I find myself struggling mightily (as with school and anything before this) to get and stay motivated. There are a lot of days where I sleep in--less than in my past, but more the last few weeks or so oddly enough.
I’d say more than anything that it’s been a life of lost potential. I’ve hardly been motionless or inert but: relative to my looks, charisma, intellect, and even slight athletic talent (enough to play just about anything, but not particularly excel in one or another), one would think my life would’ve been far more “interesting”. High school was much more loser than prom king for me--funny because my dad was the prom king.
Obviously high school is not where I wanted to leave my mark on the world, but it caused me a lot of pain, and it’s just a good microcosm of the chasm between who I seem like I could be on the surface and what I’ve actually achieved--I didn’t even graduate I was so depressed by the end of it.
I’ve always had an almost grandiose (or at least if you have depression I read you’re prone to ‘grandiosity’) belief that I’m destined for greatness, but I don’t think I should relinquish that. I refuse to believe that I’m the one who’s crazy and not the world.
Anyway, I joined the board to try and learn more about myself and what I want to become before my time runs out. I want to finally get clarity and peace with what’s happened in my past and the choices I’ve made so I can begin to confidently go forth.
I simultaneously subscribed as a 'thank you' for all the podcasts I’ve digested (and forgotten) so far, and to contribute to many more. It really has been wonderful, and while I didn’t want to commit quite so much cash for gold or PK status, I was most certainly not going to be the “you’ve-changed-my-life-here’s-six-bucks” guy.
Thanks everyone for reading.