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SteveHein

A general problem with therapy and therapists

My partner and I were talking about therapists and psychotherapy etc and she said the basic idea of it is messed up. She said the reason we need healing is because our emotional needs weren't met by our parents. So we are trying to get them met as adults. Some of these basic needs are to feel valued, important, cared about.

 

But a therapist will stop helping you if you stop paying them. So how important are you going to feel, how cared about and what do they value...you or your money?

 

I like Alice Miller's idea of an enlightened witness more and more these days.

 

BTW I was just writing an email to Daniel Mackler. I feel fortunate that he and I have been in touch a fair amount in the past month or so. He is the closest thing I have to a peer right now. Though we don't agree on everything. We do both feel strongly about child abuse and see the cause and effect relationship.

 

Anyhow I remember how he said he used to help clients who couldn't afford to pay much. I admire him for that. I understand though cuz I have helped so many people for free. Sometimes I have gotten paid but it isn't really money that motivates me. I need to feel valued and there are other ways to help me feel valued, like reading my website, applying or trying to apply my ideas and giving me emotional support when I need it - which is pretty often lately.

 

But back to Daniel. First before I forget I have created my own page on him and his work

 

www.eqi.org/p1/authors/daniel_mackler

 

Ok so now that I've shown that I want to share this. After I wrote Daniel just now I thought I might send him some money cuz I value him. But I decided not to do that because I don't want our relationship to be based on money. I don't want him to be motivated by money to help me and keep validating me - as he has been doing in his emails pretty much from the star.

 

As my partner said that is now how we were designed to work. She used a Marshall Rosenberg term - natural giving. In other words, it is natural for us, innate, to feel good when we help others.

 

So yeah, that's my two cents on all that.

 

tfr thanks for reading

 

Steve

 

oh, one more note. i have asked a lot of people if their therapist would cry if they killed themselves. the majority, in fact the vast majority, have said no.

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I know very little about psychotherapy, but from what I have read, it seems it could be very beneficial.

 

Is a typical session one where a therapist listens to what your concerns, fears, anxieties are and tries to make sense of them?

 

If this is the case, it would seem the success or failure of therapy would largely depend on the wisdom of the therapist.  That being the case, how can one determine whether a therapist is excellent at what they do?

 

How does one begin?

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I have a Part that has said to my therapist things along the lines of "You wouldn't help me if I had no money" and "You don't really care about me.". I would suggest you explore more with this Part. Some questions that were worth me asking... How old are you? What is your job? Do you like your job? What do you think about me? Is there another Part you are protecting? Also, it may be worth considering if this perspective reminds you of any memories from your past. 

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I don't think the therapist is supposed to be an endpoint in themselves, but a catalyst. They are not meant to be your lifelong natural giving companion. They are meant to help you find and connect with those who are. Just as they may not see you if you stop paying, you would stop seeing them if your life starts working to your satisfaction. The relationship is based on temporary assistance.

 

I would think of what goes on with a therapist as an artificial attempt to practice things so that you can then better carry them out in the organic situations that arise in the rest of life.

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Is a doctor any less valuable because you are paying them? After all they only take care of the sick because they are getting paid...They most not really care about their patients.

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