I have been reading the board for sometimes and a year of listening to Stefan podcasts which saved me a lot of time in my long and painful journey.
Thanks to many books and my therapy I came in touch with many strong feelings and some very early memories about my childhood physical, emotional and sexual abuse.
Originally I am from north africa, arabic and muslim background though I decided to be atheist 4 years ago. I live in Québec, Canada now and have no communications with my family of origin anymore. I have been journaling since the age of 13 and I think that saved my sanity and wanted to suicide since I was 11 years old. The only person who really understood me is my borther who died some time ago and felt the world just emptied I decided to immigrate to Canada months after his death.
I have been seriously and horribly abused by my mother in every way. My father was extremly violent with my mom and I had to watch her being beaten by him many times. Although my father didn't beat me much but his look was sufficient to me to earase myself from existance. He is an alcoholic and my mom partices Islam.
During the last year much of my childhood pain surfaced with a lot of body pain and anxiety even panic attacks. I medicated myself throughout dysfunctional relationships. Usually with emotionally abusive and unavailable men. I am more gay than bisexual. my last relationship lasted about 7 years. I am what I consider to be extremly codependent.
Thanks to a lot of reading. Alice Miller's books helped me a lot in my pursuit of self knowledge and authors like John Bradshaw, Louise Wisechild, Pete Walker also helped me to connect to my inner child through feeling the body pain and understand the reasons of this emotional pain.
What I find challenging is the dissociation after which I feel numb, no reason to live and also difficult to align myself back to my feelings. My therapist is on vacation right now and I profit of this occasion to feel on my own and to have more courage to face my emotions.
Between yesterday and today it was really horrible. I became so much out of my body and thinking about my ex which I see from time to time. I was screening him in my mind as him being happy with another guy and he is independent from me etc..that I am no use anymore etc.. It is a state of a horrible amount of suffering and self-neglect. I takes me hours and hours to come back to my feelings and I am tired, so much tired of this state. Self-attack flourish in a state of dissociation.
I am curious if anyone among you faced deeply his/her childhood injuries through the body dialogue. Like facing the mortal fear such memories bring when they arise to the surface. And how to manage them and get the memories that explain the compulsion repetition of now.
I found sometime ago this letter sent to Alice Miller which was very much inspiring and important to me. Here is the link: http://www.alice-miller.com/readersmail_en.php?lang=en&nid=1346&grp=0707
I really want to heal I don't want to depend on people who are deeply dysfunctional. I find myself idealizing really crap people who hurt me so much when I am good to them.
I would appreciate a lot your insights about my entry on the board.
I also found Stefan podcasts very very very helpful and they resonnate in me so much I feel the truth in what he says.
Thank you for reading.