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Found 45 results

  1. SonOfPhilo

    Online Therapy

    I'm looking to get therapy sessions online as I live in a small town and don't have any good options of local therapists. Are there any therapists you guys recommend that would have an affinity/understanding for FDR content and have an online-based therapy program?
  2. Reason Vs. Emotion Vs. Belief Vs. Consciousness Reason, emotion, belief, and consciousness, have a fundamental place in epistemology and psychology but I have not found where they sit. I especially haven't found where they sit from first principles. My hope with this discussion is that these things can find their proper place. Emotions reflect belief and beliefs are always rational I have some ideas, each with their own arguments and evidence. From what I gather, Stefan has an implicit, specific conception of the relation between these things. The two major premises I can identify are 1) Emotions reflect belief, and 2) beliefs are always rational. Now, this second premise seems obviously false, but there is a corollary to it 3) beliefs do not necessarily reflect conscious thought. I should make it clear, by beliefs I mean what we really believe deep down and might not even be conscious of. Evidence for It's from these premises that much of the psychology in this community can be explained. We can explain the true self as rationality and the collection of beliefs. We can explain the false self as the origin of conscious thought that is not wholly informed by beliefs. We can explain free will by saying that it is a choice whether conscious thought wholly informs itself with belief. It also conforms with the evidence. It explains self-defence mechanisms where a person consciously thinks something but believes something else. It explains how personalities as a collective can be fragmented throughout history from all the evils that take place. It gives foundation to how a child protects themselves with false thoughts. It explains how psychotherapy works, by uncovering beliefs using critical thinking and self-reflection. It explains procrastination, as procrastination just reflects the belief of resentment. It would suggest we should follow our emotions as long as we identify them properly. Evidence against The issue is, there is a lot of evidence against these things. Are emotional leftist protesters simply misunderstanding their emotions? Are they masking a true self with a false self? Do people fall for propaganda because of the false self, or maybe we aren't actually innately rational? Another problem is, it seems incredibly redundant to have a true self making calculations, and then a false self making entirely different calculations about the same thing. Cognitive therapies suggest something is wrong with cognition itself. For example, schema therapy suggests that we have core beliefs that are often themselves unconscious and formed in childhood that are irrational and make us feel some ways or generate negative thoughts. It would be strange to have an extra layer to this by saying that those irrational core 'beliefs' are preceded by true beliefs. It is very hard for me to believe that emotions reflect belief and beliefs are always rational. But it also explains so much and makes life a lot easier. Argument for from first principles Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. Rather than doing some kind of trial-and-error, making observations, etc, an argument from first principles would take away a lot of doubt about the psychology taught in this community. I would think that arguing for these psycho-epistemological concepts from first principles would be the most important thing, as the psycho-epistemology kind of defines what this whole community is about. I tried to find these first principles, and I found these quotes from Ayn Rand. "There can be no causeless love or any sort of causeless emotion. An emotion is a response to a fact of reality, an estimate dictated by your standards." (Ayn Rand, For the New Intellectual, p. 147) All knowledge is derived from reality, so emotions follow cognition. Perhaps we could further say from this that emotions reflect cognition. And, perhaps we can assume cognition and reason that goes with it have sovereignty. Indeed, doesn't seem logical that a rational faculty would allow something like 2+2=5. It is more likely that anyone who thinks such a thing is not using their rational faculty. It would also seem strange that the rational faculty would switch off, rather than keep working at the background. In fact, I think that our very feeling of having a self and having free will sort of rest upon the idea that we have some kind of sovereignty, and that we know what is best for ourselves, and we trust our faculties to give us the most accurate information possible. Perhaps this should be self-evident. Perhaps this is self-evident to any peacefully parented individual. Argument against from first principles Ayn Rand would disagree with our second premise; that beliefs are always rational. "Your subconscious is like a computer—more complex a computer than men can build—and its main function is the integration of your ideas. Who programs it? Your conscious mind. If you default, if you don’t reach any firm convictions, your subconscious is programmed by chance—and you deliver yourself into the power of ideas you do not know you have accepted. But one way or the other, your computer gives you print-outs, daily and hourly, in the form of emotions—which are lightning-like estimates of the things around you, calculated according to your values." (Ayn Rand, Philosophy: Who Needs It?, p. 5) also, "An emotion as such tells you nothing about reality, beyond the fact that something makes you feel something. Without a ruthlessly honest commitment to introspection—to the conceptual identification of your inner states—you will not discover what you feel, what arouses the feeling, and whether your feeling is an appropriate response to the facts of reality, or a mistaken response, or a vicious illusion produced by years of self-deception . . . . In the field of introspection, the two guiding questions are: “What do I feel?” and “Why do I feel it?” (Ayn Rand, Philosophy: Who Needs It?, p. 17) Rand is seeming to suggest emotions can reflect irrational thoughts. It seems beliefs held in the subconscious can be 'programmed by chance'. She says that using the rational faculty is not automatic but voluntary. So it has sovereignty, but it is up to a person to use it. Her view does make a lot of sense. Our working memory is incredibly limited, so thinking rationally would be incredibly limited. Perhaps there is no 'true self' beyond our ability to reason consciously. If Rand is right, I believe it challenges the psychology of this community. Rather than listening to a true self, and to emotions and their origins, her views would suggest we should rather use reason alone to find what is the right thing to do and to create habits out of it. Perhaps one problem with her view is that there is no ought from an is. It makes a lot of sense to me that only emotions can tell us something as trivial as what flavour of ice cream to have and something as serious as whether I should really marry some person. Maybe the truth is somewhere in between. Maybe the subconscious can be 'programmed by chance', but maybe it a somewhat active system which holds our true beliefs, while our conscious thoughts themselves can differ. What do people think? Can these premises be proven from first principles? Maybe you think the premises I outlined are inaccurate? How do you think is the best way to approach and deal with emotions and choices? Have any podcasts/books to share about this stuff?
  3. Hi guys. I felt like this was the right thing to do because this could possibly help others going through the same thing. Some of you may be going through your history, and bad things may be popping up. Stuff that you'd rather forget that you did, or more honestly stuff you wish you could change/fix. I am dealing with a few things of my own, but I wanted to firstly apologize to anyone who may have read my post on JohnnyBoy's last topic a few months ago. In it I stated that "as long as you haven't done any un-restitutable harm, you can still have love". This was incredibly irresponsible of me. For someone going through a hard time, reading that and applying it to their specific situation (considering their potential lack of knowledge about this kind of stuff) may have sapped them of the drive to keep digging through their history to better understand and empathize with themselves at a younger age, or even stuff they did recently. This could have left those who saw it in a really dark place, and I don't wanna leave people in dark places. This isn't the rock-solid rule. You never know what connections you can make in therapy. You never know what insight you can hear that makes it all come into focus and makes everything clear. If you are dealing with this type of stuff, do not give up. The fact that you're here, that your true self is alive, that means something. Keep searching until you find that bit of information that makes it all understandable because your true self survived, and that is a fact that should not be over-looked. To quote/paraphrase Stefan in a podcast called Restitution and The Future: "You said we can't do anything about the past. And I don't think you understand what a thing that was to say to me, someone who has spent a lot of time focusing on the past. The truth is that there is something that we can do about the past. And that is to understand the truth about it." I hope this can help some of you or inspire others to keep pushing the bar in therapy. The answers are somewhere in your head and you owe it to yourself and your future to keep digging. IN ADDITION: If you could, could you send this post out to some of your friends on this board? I want to try to get this message out to as many people as possible. I can't do anything about those that may have seen it while browsing and not logged in (there's no way to tell how many people saw it) and that's something I have to deal with but I want as many people to see it as possible, so if you could boost the message I would greatly appreciate it.
  4. amos

    My Journey with FDR

    Hello Guys This will be a very long post... I want to share with you my journey with FDR so far: I discovered Stefs podcasts on youtube about three or four years ago (I am now 27). I was watching a lot of political and atheist debates at the time. I think it could have been the video “19 tough questions for Libertarians”. Anyways I started to watch more and more of his videos and just loved the stuff. The NAP videos, the property rights, it all fit together and that was great, since in what I have heard before, there was always somewhere a hidden contradiction. The next big milestone I think was the argument from morality and the UPB book. My interest started to shift towards ethics. (It had come from atheism over politics, society / economics, libertarianism / freedom). So I started really digging into the idea of rational scientific ethics, which I still find extremely fascinating and important. I am also currently working on a book of my own trying to improve UPB. I want to share it with you some day, but so far it is still not ready. Also the RTR book was a real eyeopener for me. I think around 2 years ago I read it and also introduced it into my relationship with Rahel, my girlfriend. It had a truly wonderful effect on our relationship and allowed us to come closer and closer to each other ever since. Then in November 2015 I saw the truth about circumcision video. It hit me like a hammer blow to the head! I have seen the video in the recommended videos on youtube for probably 2 months before I finally watched it. I think I was afraid of it. But I also wanted to see what Stef had to say about it, since it also pertains to me. I grew up Jewish, so I was circumcised just after birth. I was very shocked and confused and I went to Rahel and asked her to watch the video with me. She also was shocked and said that she had never thought about it, (Circumcision is not common in Europe), but that for sure we would never do this to our future kids. The following month I was very shocked and disoriented, and I could barely think of anything else. I just could not grasp it that I was the victim of a human rights violation and that my parents were the perpetrators. In January 2016 I wrote them a letter that I handed to my mom when she came to visit the town where I now lived. I was stomach-turningly nervous and so was Rahel, when we went to meet her. (She came with me to assist me in this difficult task.) In the letter I told my parents that I have come to realize that circumcision was wrong, that I want to talk about it with them and that I expect an apology from them. I also put the link to the video in there. They have been very uncooperative in finding dates to talk about it. In the past 1.5 years we have maybe had 5 conversations about it, always initiated by me calling multiple times and insisting on it. It is now also just one year that I started going to therapy. It was very hard for me to start going to therapy. I talked a lot about trying it to Rahel, but I never actually went and did it. In fact she started to go to therapy before I did because of exam anxiety. I supported her going to therapy very much, but I myself kept merely talking about it. At some point she kind of kicked my ass to just go and do it, which was a very good thing. She finished therapy after roughly a year, I am still in therapy and probably will be for some time to come. I think I am now at the point where my emotions start to come back to life. I am still often dissociated, but sometimes I feel a lot of sadness or anger. It has happened twice in the past 4 weeks that I really broke down crying and sobbing. Also just two weeks ago I felt for the first time real anger towards my parents for an extended period of time. It was not just like a flair up that I immediately suppressed back to zero, but it lasted for around two days. The reason for this was that my mom has written me to invite me to a dinner at my grandparents birthday. I called her and said that I dont want to go there and act all happy as if everything was fine, but that I first want to sort out the things that we still have not sorted out. I also said that Rahel has offered to act as an arbitrator between us, since she felt (correctly) that we were not getting anywhere. So my mom said that she would talk it over with my dad and that we could maybe meet the following weekend (14 days ago). Then the next day she sent me a text that we could not meet on the weekend, because my dad was planning to go on a skiing trip the week after and these conversations make him feel unstable. (That btw was their reason why we could not continue the conversation for the past 7 weeks). So I felt that I got really angry. And the anger stayed with me. I called her the next evening and wanted to say that I was angry, but I could not bring myself to say the words. But I was so loaded, that she perfectly heard it out of my voice anyways. She then tried to calm me by making one concession after the other, until she offered that we could meet just the two of us on the up coming weekend (14 days ago). So we met to talk together. She had asked again that she still does not understand exactly what I want from them. So I said again (probably for the third time) that I want to be able to have a real relationship with them. I want to be able to share thoughts and feelings that are important to me and I would also like that they would share more important memories, thoughts and feelings with me. And that being able to have a real relationship requires that they respect me as a fully fledged human being, which means for one, that they do not have the right to cut of an important body part of mine. And then it started again with the evading and fogging and so on and I felt that I got angry again. I said that this is a prime example of what I am talking about, since I am explicitly stating a feeling and a desire of mine and now I am again in a position that I have to justify myself instead of being heard and understood. She said that she and my dad would be willing to come to a psychologist of my choosing with me, of which I was positively surprised. But at the end of our conversation I felt very strongly that there is no point to it. I felt that we would just go through the motions but nothing would come out of it. It was a weird feeling, it felt like a cold kind of certainty. I am not sure what will come next but this feeling has not changed since then. I feel like the guy that has always tried to find the hidden door in the wall of a castle, and has suddenly realized that there is no door, just a wall. So now I am standing in front of the wall kind of dumbstruck and sort of starting to look around and trying to regain my orientation. It is a really weird but also kind of a good feeling. I also feel like I have a ton of sadness inside me which I sometimes feel, but mostly I am dissociated from it. Even though I often feel a lot of sadness and sometimes anger, I generally feel much better and happier than I ever did in the past 15 years. I am happy that I start to have feelings, even though it is kind of unfamiliar and a bit curious. I am happy that I feel my confidence rise and that I can start to stand in for myself. I am happy that I have such a wonderful relationship and a wonderful vision for my future family (unschooling, peaceful parenting, attachment parenting). I am happy that I have a good compass (ethics) to navigate by through the difficulties of life. Philosophy is a stony road and I sure have many stones still before me, but I feel that I am on the right road and that makes me feel positive and happy.
  5. Hi All, I would like to share once again my personal project, http://reparent.methat helps clients find therapists online. If you have ever wanted to filter out therapists who don't meet your philosophical baseline, you can finally do so. There are currently, 3 providers on the site from FDR. See if you can spot them With the most recent update you can see the following: I have added on a matching algorithm that matches you with therapists based on a questionnaire. Matching on important factors like religious and political affiliation We now have 17 providers (therapists, counsellors, life coaches etc.), most of whom work within the IFS methodology. Added SSL protection to protect your security while posting a request for therapy 100% free service for both clients and therapists If you or anyone you know is looking for an online (skype/facetime etc.) therapist, please share this with them. Also, if you know of any therapists who might want to join please direct them to write to me @ recruitment@reparent.me Best wishes, Tony
  6. regevdl

    Therapy recommendation

    I know Stefan doesn't often use the term but he has on occassion...but there is a particular method of therapy he uses or promotes and I cannot remember the name of it. If I recall it's a 3 letter acronym. FDS or something? FST? I seriosuly cannot remember...anyone out there can help me out? Thanks in advance!
  7. Hi all. I've been listening to FDR for about a year and my personal growth journey has really taken off since then. Thanks Mike & Stef for all you do. I recently got a flurry of recommendations for the Landmark Forum from people in a 12-step meeting I've been attending. Looking over their website I'm not sure if it's a gimmick or if it's worth the $625. Changing your life in a weekend sounds a little too good to be true (and reminds me of Mike Cernovich's admonition that mindset is life-long work; there's no shortcut). I'm wondering if anyone here is familiar with Landmark and can recommend for or against it?
  8. Kevin Beal

    How to Find a Great Therapist

    My beautiful amazing wife wrote a book that many could benefit from reading. Several people from the community were involved. Phil Johnston designed the cover. Cheryl Hulseapple edited the book. And several others helped by reading and providing useful feedback in the writing process. Thank you so much to those involved! Amazon wouldn't let me post my review of the book, on account of being the author's husband, but I thought I would share it here: Get the book here for $0.99! On a personal note, to you, from me. I've had a lot of conversations with people about therapy over the years, as a member of the boards. There are a lot of legitimate questions and reservations people have around therapy. I've noticed too that many people have had an attitude of "I know I probably should, but eh..." and don't get around to it. Let this book help you make that decision. It doesn't feel good to be conflicted about this. Or to know that you should try it, but don't act. I doubt I would be blissfully married, have a great career I am very motivated in, and be expecting a child of my own at the end of the year if I hadn't got into therapy. I would probably still be unemployed/underemployed, depressed and anxious all the time, not living my values, and playing video games every day. I don't know for sure where I would have ended up, but it scares me to think about. Plus, cool book cover, right?
  9. Hi, guys! I wrote a book titled How to Find a Great Therapist, and I'd love if y'all would check it out. It's only 99 cents! The inspiration for writing this book came, in large part, from the many stories I heard on these boards about your struggles to find a good therapist. I also have FAQ at the end which consists of questions that came exclusively from FDR listeners. It's available on Amazon here. Please let me know what you think! Book Description: "This book is not just about finding a good therapist. It is about finding a great therapist. The kind of person who will inspire you, challenge you, and change your life. The kind of person who will help you make real progress. "If you are just looking for someone to talk to, this book is not for you. Throw a rock and you will find a mediocre counselor who will gladly take your money, go through the motions of “listening” to you for an hour, week after week, and never encourage you to change. And maybe you don’t want to change. That’s fine. Just check out another book, because this one will only stress you out. "However, if you want to thrive rather than survive, use this book to demystify the often muddled field of psychology. You will learn: How to identify an awesome therapist. How to know if you’ve found a bad one. What to expect from therapy. How to trust yourself. And how to improve your odds of permanent growth. "The author takes her years of “couch surfing,” during which she saw over twenty therapists and coaches, to simplify the process and help you make life changes efficiently and with the support you need. "This short book is jam-packed, full of principles that you can use to feel confident about an often confusing and stressful transition in your life. Make the choice to change your life and find a great therapist."
  10. Hey fellas! Just wanted let you guys know that Steven Franssen is doing fantastic livestreams @ https://www.youtube.com/user/RedRightHunter/featured Steven talks about current events, eviscerates leftism and purges the cuck out of those who watches his streams and reads his books! We have a lot of fun over here, why don't you join us?
  11. Hey, I have this issue that I feel I need more opinions on. The backstory: I'm 25, therapist is 33, has a 6-year-old son and she is a single mother. Basically she and her partner -I don't know if they were married- decided to have a child and sometime after that they separated because, according to her, they were having problems with each other. I'm not sure about the time frame and I don't know the details yet -we've had about 6 2-3 hour sessions- but I'm planning to ask her more about it soon. She seems to care about her son, wants to not put her to a school, seems to be a caring person. She actually quit being a therapist officially, she is now a travel organizer but she is open to seeing me regularly as a therapist. The issue I've experienced emotional bonding with her and it feels we're both invested in this therapeutic relationship but sometimes, like now, I just feel blocked from this relationship due to her being s single mother. A few times that I've addressed that it might be bad for the child she seemed to get a little defensive as she thinks she is doing a good job as a mother although she seems to acknowledge that she's made mistakes. Also I haven't specifically decided to discuss this in length with her yet. Some of the times I've called my mother a bad person, she has had some objections and sometimes she feels personally affected by my judgements of my mother as a parent. I don't know what all that means yet, I'm hoping to find out with our next conversation. The worst part is that there is a wonderful emotional bond between me and her but as soon as I start to ponder upon this issue, it's just gone. It might have something to do with my inability to accept people as a whole, including their more negative sides. I'm not sure. I'm looking for opinions on this issue or what anyone else would do in my situation etc.
  12. Wrote this short article for Self-Knowledge Daily. Find the audio version here and the original post here. Let me know what yall think! You’re Too Smart For Therapy Do you have issues in your life you may need help working through? Are you an intelligent person with ambition, but lack motivation? Have you done lots of research on self-development, listened to hours of podcasts on psychology, and heard recommendations to go to therapy, but still aren’t going? You may be too smart for therapy. This happens in other fields as well. For example, my father was a doctor and a brilliant man. He contributed to medicine in a lasting way; in fact, had he lived, I think he would have won a Nobel Prize. And though this man was a well-respected physician and researcher, you know what he was terrible at? Going to the doctor himself. If you are reading this article, and other articles through Self-Knowledge Daily, you probably know a lot about psychology. You might even know more than a therapist, but it’s not just credentials and knowledge a therapist can provide. It’s perspective. My father didn’t go a to a doctor for over 10 years, until he had to be rushed to the emergency room for renal failure. Fluid secretions had been pooling in his stomach for over a year. Dad had noticed his abdomen was growing, but he diagnosed it as weight gain. He said later he had assumed the belly pouch was just what happened when you got older. So, instead of going to the doctor, he went on a diet. This just made him weaker. He had a preconceived notion about himself: he was prone to weight gain, so this was just his body. Had he gotten the perspective of another physician, even a physician that wasn’t as good of a doctor as him, he might still be alive today. Another doctor could have noticed what dad was too close to see, and that’s what I understand therapy to be: a fresh perspective. A therapist is a collaborator, a mirror, and an advocate for you. Self-therapy can be wonderful, but it’s difficult to see yourself the way another can see you. Most importantly, when you are on your own, your progress is slower. You aren’t going to live forever. If anything can help you live a better life now, why would you delay? My dad was suffering for a year before he sought help, with something a physician could have noticed and treated quickly. One-on-one therapy is more efficient than going it alone. You might very well be smarter than all the therapists in the world, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have something to offer you. Life is short, get the help you need and deserve now.
  13. About 2 years ago, the twelfth of October 2014, I published my first non-fiction book on self-knowledge and self-therapy through keeping a journal. The response was incredible. I could never have imagined that I could move people in the way the told me I had moved them. It has been a humbling experience, knowing that I had had such an impact on people. I was given help with editing by several people, and one of those people was Steven Franssen, a fellow author and an INCREDIBLE human being. You can find his work on his YouTube-channel https://www.youtube.com/user/RedRightHunterand on his website http://www.nurturingtruth.com/ Now, Steven has made and published my e-book, as an audiobook on audible, with him as the narrator! You can find the audiobook version @ http://adbl.co/2dx7fgi You can also find the e-book version on https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/484220(free) If you find it valuable, then you can buy it on http://amzn.to/2dvczltto support me in writing more If you feel you got value out of it, but cannot afford to buy it, you can also leave a review on smashwords, amazon and audible. Of course, you can do both aswell And! If you want to support me AND FDR at the same time, use an FDR affiliate link and search for my book (search for ''Dear Self Erik Lugnet'') The affiliate link... for Americans: http://www.fdrurl.com/Amazon for Canadians: http://www.fdrurl.com/AmazonCanada for the UK and europeans: http://www.fdrurl.com/AmazonUK Thank you for your time, and I wish you a wonderful day! Erik Lugnet
  14. Hey everyone, I think that it would be wise and valuable if we were to share what books have aided us in our pursuit of self-knowledge. I think that it would be nice to have a summary of the book and the relevant parts, and share what you have gained from reading the book. Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw Shame is such a powerful emotion. It is especially powerful when we do not realize that we are experiencing shame. Bradshaw talks about the difference between healthy shame--accepting one's natural limits--and toxic shame--believing that we are fundamentally unworthy of love, me-plus. He takes the theoretical model of a shame cycle--we feel bad, we cope, and then we feel bad because we have coped, so then we cope more to relieve our negative feelings--and applies to real people. The antidote to toxic shame is love, and so much of trauma and dysfunction is the result of not receiving the love that we needed when we needed it. Reading this book and understanding shame has helped me clear up a lot of self-attack and generalized negative self-beliefs. I have been able to recognize that when I cope, it is because I am seeking comfort and love, and that to attack myself is just to further the pattern that was my childhood, a traumatizing and dysfunctional pattern. I really recommend reading this book, because in my experience toxic shame has been such a challenging emotion to identify, and the moment that I have been able to identify it for what it is is the moment that I have been able to start making progress and healing.
  15. Are you thinking about trying therapy, but aren't sure or don't believe you can afford it. Well, you can! In this video, I talk about how you can find a therapist to work with in long-term, regular psychotherapy, even if you can afford to pay very little or even nothing at all! Check it out and please share! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgjhsMOoFYE Also, check out my website and blog!
  16. Are you considering, or have you started seeing a therapist? If so, you may be wondering whether or not you need to be diagnosed and how a diagnosis may impact your ability to get good therapy. In this video, I share some of my thoughts on the role of diagnosis in psychotherapy.
  17. Check out my blog post about depression! In it, I talk about my perspective on the nature of depression and how to work through it in therapy, based on my own experience in dealing with it and more recently helping others through it as a therapist. Please share, if you like what I wrote. Thanks!
  18. Hello FDR community! I've been listening to FDR for several years, have gotten so much value from the work that Stef, Mike, and others have contributed, and am excited to announce that I have opened my own private psychotherapy practice in Seattle. I am currently accepting new Seattle area therapy clients and thought I would put the word out here. You can check out my website and blog here. Feel free to contact me through the contact info on my website with any questions or to set up an appointment! Ben
  19. Wrote an article for Self Knowledge Daily. Check it out! Why You’re Not Going to Therapy Common Excuses Many people claim they want to start therapy, but time passes and they never take the first steps. They have a barrage of excuses for why they can’t start therapy right now, but the barriers are usually self-imposed and not based in the reality of personal responsibility. These are the most common excuses I’ve heard about not going to therapy: “I know I need to go to therapy, but I’m just not doing it.” No one needs to do anything in life but basic bodily functions like breathing and eventually dying. Therapy is certainly not a basic survival need. Using “need” language for things that aren’t real needs creates an urgency and exaggeration. At worst it’s force, just using stronger language to make yourself do it. Attempts to force yourself to do things don’t work in the long term because no one likes to be ordered around. You rebel by delaying. Like when your mom used to tell you that you needed to take the garbage out right now. Did you just hop to it with a smile on your face? Hell no. You hemmed and hawed to keep your dignity. That’s the kind of microcosm that’s happening in your mind when you try to force yourself to do something. One part of you becomes your mother, the other part become the rebellious child. You don’t need to go to therapy; you will continue to live if you don’t go to therapy. Therapy is not about surviving; it’s about thriving. If you want to improve the quality of your life there are good arguments for how therapy can help you, but ultimately it is your choice. If a part of you does want to go to therapy and another part is resistant, try some negotiation strategies with yourself. See if you can find a solution that would make both parts happy. (If you have trouble with that, a good place to work on getting better at self-negotiation is therapy, btw.) “I had a bad experience with therapy in the past.” Finding a good therapist can often feel like dating. You shop around, find someone you’re drawn to in some way, but you can’t really know if it’s going to work out until you take them out and chat with them a while. You have to make the investment of a first date. Sometimes that first date doesn’t go well. Or, even worse, the first date goes great, you get attached, and then things don’t go well. And I understand, when you get close to someone and they hurt you, it can be difficult to get back out there. But, just like dating, there are more efficient ways of figuring out if you are compatible, aside from picking someone with a friendly smile. You can avoid getting hurt if you look for the right clues and ask right the questions in your first phone consultation. Not all therapists are great, but it’s not just a crap shoot. You can evaluate people and know quickly if they are going to be helpful, if you do some initial work up front. “I just don’t have the money for that right now.” The reality is we all make choices when it comes to money. You are choosing to spend your money elsewhere. And that’s ok, but just be honest about it. You could afford therapy, but you’re choosing not to. It’s true that some therapists are very expensive, but I had a friend who was able to see a therapist for $5 a session. Many therapists have a sliding scale for folks with lower incomes. There are plenty of options out there. You just might have to get a bit creative. You may think looking for a cheaper therapist will limit your choices, but therapy is self-directed. Your therapeutic experience comes down to what you make of it. The person might not have a fancy office, but if he or she is empathetic and curious about you, you can work with that and make real progress. “Won’t drudging up the past, just make it worse?” In the short term, it will feel painful to bring up past trauma, but the avoidance of pain only prolongs it. You are most likely already feeling the pain of your past, but in a low, creeping dose that you get every day, in the anxiety that paralyzes you, in the self-attacks you inflict on yourself when you make a mistake, and in the depression that had you unproductive and useless. What questions like this really mean is: I’m afraid of feeling my pain. And I get that, emotional pain sucks, but when you numb one emotion you numb them all. So by dulling your sadness or fear, you are also dulling your joy and happiness. The avoidance is not benign. “I’m scared.” I haven’t actually heard anyone else use this one, except for myself to myself, but I think this is what all the other excuses come down to. It is scary. It’s terrifying to deal with the shadow parts of yourself and face childhood trauma. And because it’s so scary to delve into history, that’s why you shouldn’t have to do it alone, and that’s why a therapist can help you so much. He or she can help you face the demons one at a time. Having someone there to hold your hand, help you sort through things piece by piece, keeps you grounded. Fear alone isn’t cowardly, but there is cowardice in lying to yourself and denying your feelings. Feel the fear, and then find a therapist who can help you deal with it.
  20. My newest article about figuring out if your therapy is actually working for you or not. "Today’s question is extremely popular: I’m in therapy, and some people [my spouse, or parent, or friend, or coworker, or partner] say that it’s not working for me. I’m confused. Is it true?" Read it here: http://blog.selfarcheology.com/2016/04/q-is-therapy-working-for-me.html
  21. I’m currently on the search for a therapist so I can get to know myself a bit better. Is there anyone that lives in the Seattle area that may know of some decent therapist that could help me. I’m a late 20’s guy who grew up in a single mother household and would like to find a guy therapist. it would be great to find a guy to talk to, it would be a little easier to relate. Also, does anyone in a similar situation to me have any feelings on hiring a woman therapist?
  22. Hi friends. My friend called me with some devastating revelations about her husband. He and she need immediate therapy (they needed it before, obviously). I remember a few people on the show and even Stefan recommending a particular therapy (it goes by an acronym) that gets into past patterns of the family members (parents/grandparents) etc. Does anyone know what the acronym or the name of this therapy method is? I cannot remember for the life of me! A million thanks!!
  23. Great interview I just found with Bruce Ecker, one of the founders of Coherence therapy. http://sevencounties.org/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=29647 Here's a bit of the interview and also why I think this might be very interesting to all people interested in Self-Knowledge and Therapy
  24. Hi Everyone, I'm looking for FDR members who are interested in practicing online, skype based therapy or recommendations of therapists who would be ideal for this project. I would like to​ invite you to become a partner in my new venture: http://reparent.me This software has been a labor of my love. It has taken me 5 years from the inception of the idea, thousands of dollars of my personal savings, hundreds of days of coding and testing. And this is a project that would not exist if I hadn't found FDR. I quit my full time job to work on this. Please help me make it succeed. What is it? It is a web based application to connect freelance online therapists with clients seeking therapy. It presently functions as a directory and​ an anonymous​therapy-request board but will grow to become an automated online assistant to people in the therapy profession. Why did I create this? On one side of the market spectrum you have clients desperately seeking help but unable to find it either due to a poor offering or due to the providers being out of their price range. On the other hand you have skilled adults eager to offer advice to the wounded masses but going through lengthy and unnecessary industry barriers-to-entry to reach economies of scale and justify their careers. I knew good counselors offering great prices, way below the market price for an average licensed therapist, but unable to get enough clients to make a sustained living. Not one of them was trying to undercut the market, they were only trying to reach the underprivileged, psychologically wounded members of society. There are 10 bad therapists for every 1 good therapist. I intend to fill this site with providers from the latter camp and thus make this offer on this platform. Join me and help make this world a little better. The site currently has two main features: A directory of therapists and counselors offering online therapy. An anonymous board where users can come and describe their needs, where therapists can make their offers and then the user can select one that suits him best. Also, I am working on the following features for the next release: Scheduling: Let clients see exactly when you are available and when you are off work. No need to worry about time zones. Get automatic email reminders before sessions Integrate with Google, Outlook calendars. Payments and invoicing: No more worrying about invoicing and charging clients. Set up automatic recurring payments Let invoices follow your calendar events (therapy sessions) In built cancellation billing procedure Payment provider integration: PayPal Bitcoin The site will continue to grow, but needs your loyalty and support. I have great new features on the way but it will take time and persistence. I request a 2% donation from the providers for all future business earned through or due to the site. This commitment will not be enforced for now but if you keep this agreement, I can avoid incorporation and thus avoid charging a fee, which would have to be more than 2% when including payment providers fees, taxes etc. How do I join? Check out the terms of service here: http://reparent.me/terms To get access to the site as a provider you need to register as a regular user (http://reparent.me/auth/register) and click on your profile icon, you will be presented with an option to "Become a provider". Your application will be sent to me, once approved your profile will be publicly visible. While I do make your provided email visible on the site, I've gone through great lengths to obfuscate it under the hood. This prevents spammers and other malicious users from having easy access to your email address. I also recommend you set up a gravatar (http://gravatar.com) account, this will be used to get your profile image on the site. The app is in the early stages and I'm looking for good therapists and counselors with a proven track record in talk-therapy. I will not accept providers who intend to recommend any form of medication. If you know people who fit the bill, please feel free to forward this message to them or let me know and I will approach them. Thanks for reading! You can learn more about me by adding me on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/anthony.ebin.3 and join the group https://www.facebook.com/groups/1024759567574157/ ​
  25. Stef has mentioned several times about a bipolar person becoming violent but then turning it off at will; that they must have some control over it. I might be able to help with this because they do. I am 100% disabled, diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I, II, mixed episodes w/psychotic features, and PTSD. Yet, I have never beaten anyone while in a state of anger. But I think I have an idea where it came from. In the 70s there was a trend—fad being apropos—that when you get angry you should release that anger on something non-living. I was told to use a sledge hammer on rocks, chop fire wood, or hit a heavy bag. (Years later research showed this to be a terrible idea because then you just associate anger with violence.) Fortunately, during the same time frame, I had a teacher at a boarding school that began to teach me martial arts and meditation. This countered the fad of channeled destruction. In order to fight with skill you must remain calm, light, supple, and fully aware—you cannot do this in a state of anger. So, when a person would make me angry where the desire to fight was triggered I actually calmed down and could walk away if needed. As to why violence is seen in certain people with these conditions it may have to do with the way they handle moods, emotions, and the fight-or-flight response. The mood of someone with bipolar disorder fluctuates in ways beyond their control. Some attempts are made with chronic medication to handle mood but this is a band aid on a gushing wound. If a bipolar person wants to maintain healthy mood levels they must avoid stress—sadly bipolar people are drawn to it because mania is a hell of a drug! In a state of mania I can sleep as little as two hours a night, my senses become more acute (now I have permanent hyperacusis), I would have endless energy (work out for up to 18 hours of a day), and everything just felt better. But there is also the crash where you then stay in bed for 18 hours a day and can barely move to take care of yourself. For emotions of the bipolar person you have a very serious problem, you become the emotion while in certain states of mania or depression. I have described it being like a gun where when the trigger is pulled the emotions are fired. A normal person will still be holding the gun but a bipolar person becomes the bullet—they can lose control. (Note: not will lose control.) These cases happen under duress and not in a normative state—this is where the person is approaching, or in, a state of psychosis. When it comes to the fight-or-flight response some bipolar people can turn it off. Yes, I am completely serious; they can take control of that reflex. I’ve done it many times. If you have ever been in an emergency situation where the world seems to slow down as things are taking place, imagine being in full control of using that while it is happening. That is a part of what I am talking about. After the fact however you are still quite stressed. Now we need to look at those things listed and see how they are useful: Let’s picture a world of pre-history, pre-civilization, your tribe is under attack and you have certain members that can take on a threat with heightened senses, heightened reflexes, little need for sleep or recovery, they control the urge to flee, they become empowered to fight anything in front of them to the point of death. They feel invincible. They fight while everyone else gets to safety. This is a matter of survival. Do you understand why they have such a need for recovery after the event? Also, keep in mind this would be short term and not for months, or years, on end—that’s where modern society has caused such an issue. (Note: sex helps most bipolar people recover; how much of a hero would they be?) To return to the original question: If a bipolar person is under constant duress, has been taught to use violence to curb anger, but loses emotional control toward a particular perceived threat they will attack that target. You avoid this with mindfulness training (a.k.a. meditation), appropriate exercise, martial arts when necessary, and drugs when the person approaches psychotic states of mania. What was a natural state was corrupted to an unnatural one.

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