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Found 38 results

  1. Hi all. I've been listening to FDR for about a year and my personal growth journey has really taken off since then. Thanks Mike & Stef for all you do. I recently got a flurry of recommendations for the Landmark Forum from people in a 12-step meeting I've been attending. Looking over their website I'm not sure if it's a gimmick or if it's worth the $625. Changing your life in a weekend sounds a little too good to be true (and reminds me of Mike Cernovich's admonition that mindset is life-long work; there's no shortcut). I'm wondering if anyone here is familiar with Landmark and can recommend for or against it?
  2. Hey fellas! Just wanted let you guys know that Steven Franssen is doing fantastic livestreams @ Steven talks about current events, eviscerates leftism and purges the cuck out of those who watches his streams and reads his books! We have a lot of fun over here, why don't you join us?
  3. Hey, I have this issue that I feel I need more opinions on. The backstory: I'm 25, therapist is 33, has a 6-year-old son and she is a single mother. Basically she and her partner -I don't know if they were married- decided to have a child and sometime after that they separated because, according to her, they were having problems with each other. I'm not sure about the time frame and I don't know the details yet -we've had about 6 2-3 hour sessions- but I'm planning to ask her more about it soon. She seems to care about her son, wants to not put her to a school, seems to be a caring person. She actually quit being a therapist officially, she is now a travel organizer but she is open to seeing me regularly as a therapist. The issue I've experienced emotional bonding with her and it feels we're both invested in this therapeutic relationship but sometimes, like now, I just feel blocked from this relationship due to her being s single mother. A few times that I've addressed that it might be bad for the child she seemed to get a little defensive as she thinks she is doing a good job as a mother although she seems to acknowledge that she's made mistakes. Also I haven't specifically decided to discuss this in length with her yet. Some of the times I've called my mother a bad person, she has had some objections and sometimes she feels personally affected by my judgements of my mother as a parent. I don't know what all that means yet, I'm hoping to find out with our next conversation. The worst part is that there is a wonderful emotional bond between me and her but as soon as I start to ponder upon this issue, it's just gone. It might have something to do with my inability to accept people as a whole, including their more negative sides. I'm not sure. I'm looking for opinions on this issue or what anyone else would do in my situation etc.
  4. Hi All, I would like to share once again my personal project, http://reparent.methat helps clients find therapists online. If you have ever wanted to filter out therapists who don't meet your philosophical baseline, you can finally do so. There are currently, 3 providers on the site from FDR. See if you can spot them With the most recent update you can see the following: I have added on a matching algorithm that matches you with therapists based on a questionnaire. Matching on important factors like religious and political affiliation We now have 17 providers (therapists, counsellors, life coaches etc.), most of whom work within the IFS methodology. Added SSL protection to protect your security while posting a request for therapy 100% free service for both clients and therapists If you or anyone you know is looking for an online (skype/facetime etc.) therapist, please share this with them. Also, if you know of any therapists who might want to join please direct them to write to me @ Best wishes, Tony
  5. Wrote this short article for Self-Knowledge Daily. Find the audio version here and the original post here. Let me know what yall think! You’re Too Smart For Therapy Do you have issues in your life you may need help working through? Are you an intelligent person with ambition, but lack motivation? Have you done lots of research on self-development, listened to hours of podcasts on psychology, and heard recommendations to go to therapy, but still aren’t going? You may be too smart for therapy. This happens in other fields as well. For example, my father was a doctor and a brilliant man. He contributed to medicine in a lasting way; in fact, had he lived, I think he would have won a Nobel Prize. And though this man was a well-respected physician and researcher, you know what he was terrible at? Going to the doctor himself. If you are reading this article, and other articles through Self-Knowledge Daily, you probably know a lot about psychology. You might even know more than a therapist, but it’s not just credentials and knowledge a therapist can provide. It’s perspective. My father didn’t go a to a doctor for over 10 years, until he had to be rushed to the emergency room for renal failure. Fluid secretions had been pooling in his stomach for over a year. Dad had noticed his abdomen was growing, but he diagnosed it as weight gain. He said later he had assumed the belly pouch was just what happened when you got older. So, instead of going to the doctor, he went on a diet. This just made him weaker. He had a preconceived notion about himself: he was prone to weight gain, so this was just his body. Had he gotten the perspective of another physician, even a physician that wasn’t as good of a doctor as him, he might still be alive today. Another doctor could have noticed what dad was too close to see, and that’s what I understand therapy to be: a fresh perspective. A therapist is a collaborator, a mirror, and an advocate for you. Self-therapy can be wonderful, but it’s difficult to see yourself the way another can see you. Most importantly, when you are on your own, your progress is slower. You aren’t going to live forever. If anything can help you live a better life now, why would you delay? My dad was suffering for a year before he sought help, with something a physician could have noticed and treated quickly. One-on-one therapy is more efficient than going it alone. You might very well be smarter than all the therapists in the world, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have something to offer you. Life is short, get the help you need and deserve now.
  6. About 2 years ago, the twelfth of October 2014, I published my first non-fiction book on self-knowledge and self-therapy through keeping a journal. The response was incredible. I could never have imagined that I could move people in the way the told me I had moved them. It has been a humbling experience, knowing that I had had such an impact on people. I was given help with editing by several people, and one of those people was Steven Franssen, a fellow author and an INCREDIBLE human being. You can find his work on his YouTube-channel on his website Now, Steven has made and published my e-book, as an audiobook on audible, with him as the narrator! You can find the audiobook version @ You can also find the e-book version on If you find it valuable, then you can buy it on support me in writing more If you feel you got value out of it, but cannot afford to buy it, you can also leave a review on smashwords, amazon and audible. Of course, you can do both aswell And! If you want to support me AND FDR at the same time, use an FDR affiliate link and search for my book (search for ''Dear Self Erik Lugnet'') The affiliate link... for Americans: for Canadians: for the UK and europeans: Thank you for your time, and I wish you a wonderful day! Erik Lugnet
  7. Hey everyone, I think that it would be wise and valuable if we were to share what books have aided us in our pursuit of self-knowledge. I think that it would be nice to have a summary of the book and the relevant parts, and share what you have gained from reading the book. Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw Shame is such a powerful emotion. It is especially powerful when we do not realize that we are experiencing shame. Bradshaw talks about the difference between healthy shame--accepting one's natural limits--and toxic shame--believing that we are fundamentally unworthy of love, me-plus. He takes the theoretical model of a shame cycle--we feel bad, we cope, and then we feel bad because we have coped, so then we cope more to relieve our negative feelings--and applies to real people. The antidote to toxic shame is love, and so much of trauma and dysfunction is the result of not receiving the love that we needed when we needed it. Reading this book and understanding shame has helped me clear up a lot of self-attack and generalized negative self-beliefs. I have been able to recognize that when I cope, it is because I am seeking comfort and love, and that to attack myself is just to further the pattern that was my childhood, a traumatizing and dysfunctional pattern. I really recommend reading this book, because in my experience toxic shame has been such a challenging emotion to identify, and the moment that I have been able to identify it for what it is is the moment that I have been able to start making progress and healing.
  8. Are you thinking about trying therapy, but aren't sure or don't believe you can afford it. Well, you can! In this video, I talk about how you can find a therapist to work with in long-term, regular psychotherapy, even if you can afford to pay very little or even nothing at all! Check it out and please share! Also, check out my website and blog!
  9. Are you considering, or have you started seeing a therapist? If so, you may be wondering whether or not you need to be diagnosed and how a diagnosis may impact your ability to get good therapy. In this video, I share some of my thoughts on the role of diagnosis in psychotherapy.
  10. Check out my blog post about depression! In it, I talk about my perspective on the nature of depression and how to work through it in therapy, based on my own experience in dealing with it and more recently helping others through it as a therapist. Please share, if you like what I wrote. Thanks!
  11. Hello FDR community! I've been listening to FDR for several years, have gotten so much value from the work that Stef, Mike, and others have contributed, and am excited to announce that I have opened my own private psychotherapy practice in Seattle. I am currently accepting new Seattle area therapy clients and thought I would put the word out here. You can check out my website and blog here. Feel free to contact me through the contact info on my website with any questions or to set up an appointment! Ben
  12. Wrote an article for Self Knowledge Daily. Check it out! Why You’re Not Going to Therapy Common Excuses Many people claim they want to start therapy, but time passes and they never take the first steps. They have a barrage of excuses for why they can’t start therapy right now, but the barriers are usually self-imposed and not based in the reality of personal responsibility. These are the most common excuses I’ve heard about not going to therapy: “I know I need to go to therapy, but I’m just not doing it.” No one needs to do anything in life but basic bodily functions like breathing and eventually dying. Therapy is certainly not a basic survival need. Using “need” language for things that aren’t real needs creates an urgency and exaggeration. At worst it’s force, just using stronger language to make yourself do it. Attempts to force yourself to do things don’t work in the long term because no one likes to be ordered around. You rebel by delaying. Like when your mom used to tell you that you needed to take the garbage out right now. Did you just hop to it with a smile on your face? Hell no. You hemmed and hawed to keep your dignity. That’s the kind of microcosm that’s happening in your mind when you try to force yourself to do something. One part of you becomes your mother, the other part become the rebellious child. You don’t need to go to therapy; you will continue to live if you don’t go to therapy. Therapy is not about surviving; it’s about thriving. If you want to improve the quality of your life there are good arguments for how therapy can help you, but ultimately it is your choice. If a part of you does want to go to therapy and another part is resistant, try some negotiation strategies with yourself. See if you can find a solution that would make both parts happy. (If you have trouble with that, a good place to work on getting better at self-negotiation is therapy, btw.) “I had a bad experience with therapy in the past.” Finding a good therapist can often feel like dating. You shop around, find someone you’re drawn to in some way, but you can’t really know if it’s going to work out until you take them out and chat with them a while. You have to make the investment of a first date. Sometimes that first date doesn’t go well. Or, even worse, the first date goes great, you get attached, and then things don’t go well. And I understand, when you get close to someone and they hurt you, it can be difficult to get back out there. But, just like dating, there are more efficient ways of figuring out if you are compatible, aside from picking someone with a friendly smile. You can avoid getting hurt if you look for the right clues and ask right the questions in your first phone consultation. Not all therapists are great, but it’s not just a crap shoot. You can evaluate people and know quickly if they are going to be helpful, if you do some initial work up front. “I just don’t have the money for that right now.” The reality is we all make choices when it comes to money. You are choosing to spend your money elsewhere. And that’s ok, but just be honest about it. You could afford therapy, but you’re choosing not to. It’s true that some therapists are very expensive, but I had a friend who was able to see a therapist for $5 a session. Many therapists have a sliding scale for folks with lower incomes. There are plenty of options out there. You just might have to get a bit creative. You may think looking for a cheaper therapist will limit your choices, but therapy is self-directed. Your therapeutic experience comes down to what you make of it. The person might not have a fancy office, but if he or she is empathetic and curious about you, you can work with that and make real progress. “Won’t drudging up the past, just make it worse?” In the short term, it will feel painful to bring up past trauma, but the avoidance of pain only prolongs it. You are most likely already feeling the pain of your past, but in a low, creeping dose that you get every day, in the anxiety that paralyzes you, in the self-attacks you inflict on yourself when you make a mistake, and in the depression that had you unproductive and useless. What questions like this really mean is: I’m afraid of feeling my pain. And I get that, emotional pain sucks, but when you numb one emotion you numb them all. So by dulling your sadness or fear, you are also dulling your joy and happiness. The avoidance is not benign. “I’m scared.” I haven’t actually heard anyone else use this one, except for myself to myself, but I think this is what all the other excuses come down to. It is scary. It’s terrifying to deal with the shadow parts of yourself and face childhood trauma. And because it’s so scary to delve into history, that’s why you shouldn’t have to do it alone, and that’s why a therapist can help you so much. He or she can help you face the demons one at a time. Having someone there to hold your hand, help you sort through things piece by piece, keeps you grounded. Fear alone isn’t cowardly, but there is cowardice in lying to yourself and denying your feelings. Feel the fear, and then find a therapist who can help you deal with it.
  13. My newest article about figuring out if your therapy is actually working for you or not. "Today’s question is extremely popular: I’m in therapy, and some people [my spouse, or parent, or friend, or coworker, or partner] say that it’s not working for me. I’m confused. Is it true?" Read it here:
  14. I’m currently on the search for a therapist so I can get to know myself a bit better. Is there anyone that lives in the Seattle area that may know of some decent therapist that could help me. I’m a late 20’s guy who grew up in a single mother household and would like to find a guy therapist. it would be great to find a guy to talk to, it would be a little easier to relate. Also, does anyone in a similar situation to me have any feelings on hiring a woman therapist?
  15. Hi friends. My friend called me with some devastating revelations about her husband. He and she need immediate therapy (they needed it before, obviously). I remember a few people on the show and even Stefan recommending a particular therapy (it goes by an acronym) that gets into past patterns of the family members (parents/grandparents) etc. Does anyone know what the acronym or the name of this therapy method is? I cannot remember for the life of me! A million thanks!!
  16. Great interview I just found with Bruce Ecker, one of the founders of Coherence therapy. Here's a bit of the interview and also why I think this might be very interesting to all people interested in Self-Knowledge and Therapy
  17. Hi Everyone, I'm looking for FDR members who are interested in practicing online, skype based therapy or recommendations of therapists who would be ideal for this project. I would like to​ invite you to become a partner in my new venture: This software has been a labor of my love. It has taken me 5 years from the inception of the idea, thousands of dollars of my personal savings, hundreds of days of coding and testing. And this is a project that would not exist if I hadn't found FDR. I quit my full time job to work on this. Please help me make it succeed. What is it? It is a web based application to connect freelance online therapists with clients seeking therapy. It presently functions as a directory and​ an anonymous​therapy-request board but will grow to become an automated online assistant to people in the therapy profession. Why did I create this? On one side of the market spectrum you have clients desperately seeking help but unable to find it either due to a poor offering or due to the providers being out of their price range. On the other hand you have skilled adults eager to offer advice to the wounded masses but going through lengthy and unnecessary industry barriers-to-entry to reach economies of scale and justify their careers. I knew good counselors offering great prices, way below the market price for an average licensed therapist, but unable to get enough clients to make a sustained living. Not one of them was trying to undercut the market, they were only trying to reach the underprivileged, psychologically wounded members of society. There are 10 bad therapists for every 1 good therapist. I intend to fill this site with providers from the latter camp and thus make this offer on this platform. Join me and help make this world a little better. The site currently has two main features: A directory of therapists and counselors offering online therapy. An anonymous board where users can come and describe their needs, where therapists can make their offers and then the user can select one that suits him best. Also, I am working on the following features for the next release: Scheduling: Let clients see exactly when you are available and when you are off work. No need to worry about time zones. Get automatic email reminders before sessions Integrate with Google, Outlook calendars. Payments and invoicing: No more worrying about invoicing and charging clients. Set up automatic recurring payments Let invoices follow your calendar events (therapy sessions) In built cancellation billing procedure Payment provider integration: PayPal Bitcoin The site will continue to grow, but needs your loyalty and support. I have great new features on the way but it will take time and persistence. I request a 2% donation from the providers for all future business earned through or due to the site. This commitment will not be enforced for now but if you keep this agreement, I can avoid incorporation and thus avoid charging a fee, which would have to be more than 2% when including payment providers fees, taxes etc. How do I join? Check out the terms of service here: To get access to the site as a provider you need to register as a regular user ( and click on your profile icon, you will be presented with an option to "Become a provider". Your application will be sent to me, once approved your profile will be publicly visible. While I do make your provided email visible on the site, I've gone through great lengths to obfuscate it under the hood. This prevents spammers and other malicious users from having easy access to your email address. I also recommend you set up a gravatar ( account, this will be used to get your profile image on the site. The app is in the early stages and I'm looking for good therapists and counselors with a proven track record in talk-therapy. I will not accept providers who intend to recommend any form of medication. If you know people who fit the bill, please feel free to forward this message to them or let me know and I will approach them. Thanks for reading! You can learn more about me by adding me on facebook: and join the group ​
  18. Stef has mentioned several times about a bipolar person becoming violent but then turning it off at will; that they must have some control over it. I might be able to help with this because they do. I am 100% disabled, diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I, II, mixed episodes w/psychotic features, and PTSD. Yet, I have never beaten anyone while in a state of anger. But I think I have an idea where it came from. In the 70s there was a trend—fad being apropos—that when you get angry you should release that anger on something non-living. I was told to use a sledge hammer on rocks, chop fire wood, or hit a heavy bag. (Years later research showed this to be a terrible idea because then you just associate anger with violence.) Fortunately, during the same time frame, I had a teacher at a boarding school that began to teach me martial arts and meditation. This countered the fad of channeled destruction. In order to fight with skill you must remain calm, light, supple, and fully aware—you cannot do this in a state of anger. So, when a person would make me angry where the desire to fight was triggered I actually calmed down and could walk away if needed. As to why violence is seen in certain people with these conditions it may have to do with the way they handle moods, emotions, and the fight-or-flight response. The mood of someone with bipolar disorder fluctuates in ways beyond their control. Some attempts are made with chronic medication to handle mood but this is a band aid on a gushing wound. If a bipolar person wants to maintain healthy mood levels they must avoid stress—sadly bipolar people are drawn to it because mania is a hell of a drug! In a state of mania I can sleep as little as two hours a night, my senses become more acute (now I have permanent hyperacusis), I would have endless energy (work out for up to 18 hours of a day), and everything just felt better. But there is also the crash where you then stay in bed for 18 hours a day and can barely move to take care of yourself. For emotions of the bipolar person you have a very serious problem, you become the emotion while in certain states of mania or depression. I have described it being like a gun where when the trigger is pulled the emotions are fired. A normal person will still be holding the gun but a bipolar person becomes the bullet—they can lose control. (Note: not will lose control.) These cases happen under duress and not in a normative state—this is where the person is approaching, or in, a state of psychosis. When it comes to the fight-or-flight response some bipolar people can turn it off. Yes, I am completely serious; they can take control of that reflex. I’ve done it many times. If you have ever been in an emergency situation where the world seems to slow down as things are taking place, imagine being in full control of using that while it is happening. That is a part of what I am talking about. After the fact however you are still quite stressed. Now we need to look at those things listed and see how they are useful: Let’s picture a world of pre-history, pre-civilization, your tribe is under attack and you have certain members that can take on a threat with heightened senses, heightened reflexes, little need for sleep or recovery, they control the urge to flee, they become empowered to fight anything in front of them to the point of death. They feel invincible. They fight while everyone else gets to safety. This is a matter of survival. Do you understand why they have such a need for recovery after the event? Also, keep in mind this would be short term and not for months, or years, on end—that’s where modern society has caused such an issue. (Note: sex helps most bipolar people recover; how much of a hero would they be?) To return to the original question: If a bipolar person is under constant duress, has been taught to use violence to curb anger, but loses emotional control toward a particular perceived threat they will attack that target. You avoid this with mindfulness training (a.k.a. meditation), appropriate exercise, martial arts when necessary, and drugs when the person approaches psychotic states of mania. What was a natural state was corrupted to an unnatural one.
  19. Don't settle for a bad therapist. I have been discussing with FDRers about therapy, and particularly with some, about the many "FDR therapist" -- who as far as I am concerned clearly incompetent. To start, I in no way intend to say they are all bad, but I am certain that there are some who are -- with whom I and others have worked with. In any case I just wanted to point a couple brief points. We all know working with a bad therapist is not only costly in terms of time and money --- but it is destructive to the mental health. When recognizing you have worked with a poor therapist you are forced to experience the pain of further betrayal from someone who's job it was to parent (or reparent) you. As far as I understand and have experienced, the therapist's job is to recognize and point out your patterns, offer tangible advice, provide insight on events and what may be going on, offer a safe, empathetic space and conversation, provide you with tools to further improve your well-being, and certainly be present in every moment. There are many problems with "therapists" who have not done enough of their own work --- mainly, they won't be able to help you with what they have not worked on themselves. This is inevitable. Once you bring up a topic in which the therapist has not worked through there are a couple possible outcomes. Either the therapist will not recognize what is going on, the therapist will have emotions come up which they will be forced to deal with -- which will inhibit their ability to focus and help you, the therapist will dissociate, or in covering up brought-up emotions, they will refuse to comment and help you with yours. These are just some of my thoughts which I wanted to write down. Am I at all on point? Way off? Please let me know! Be a skeptic; especially if part of you already is. **I say "you" as the person receiving therapy
  20. Hello FDR! I'd like to get some feedback on a project I am pursuing at the moment I am in the process of writing a book on the Mecosystem(if you have not heard of the term before, it is a word that as far as I know Stefan coined, it is basically Internal Family System I want to basically introduce the concept of Mecosystems and give the basics of how one can work with ones Mecosystem, inspired by both Stef's podcasts on it, IFS theory, and how I have worked with it. My question to you guys is, if you were (or still are) new to the concept of you not having one personality, but actually several, what kind of questions would you ask of the person proposing this theory? Have a good day folks
  21. Hi! I'm currently going through IFS therapy (recently started) and the idea came to me that it would be great to form new friendships with people from the FDR community. As it happens, bringing connection to my former "relationships" of friendship have really just nuked most of them, and I find myself quite alone in my desire to have something truly meaningful and honest going on. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone with this here. So I was thinking, why not strike out for new ones here on the FDR board? It would be really cool to talk to someone who is also going through IFS therapy and doing partner work, but it would also be really great just to talk with someone who shares my values and perhaps faces (or has faced) similar challenges as far dealing with the ghosts of both the past and the present. My ACE is 4. Text is not really my medium (or at least it hasn't been so far) so if anyone would interested in skypeing on this subject, please contact me. Also, did you try doing a similar thing here on the boards, or in the FDR community? How did it go?
  22. A video by a friend of mine, Daniel Mackler:
  23. My therapist currently has two spots available, so I thought I recommend her here. I am doing IFS-therapy since about one and a half years and can not speak highly enough of her. I am aware that finding a therapist is a very individual thing, so take my opinion with a grain of salt. Before working with her I searched for a therapist for a long time and spoke to a good dozen different therapists without finding someone I was comfortable with. I know that it takes a while to find someone who is not only great but also a great match. Here some reasons why I highly recommend her : She is not religious and not "spiritual", but rational and consistent. She has over 20 years of experience with clients and has done the work in therapy herself. She is empathic, honest, patient, curious and kind. In working with her she always had my back and I always feel respected and taken care of. While I have been ( and am) working through some quite heavy subjects with her, there are always some lighthearted, humorous moments in our sessions. It feels good to me to be able to share my tears as well as a laugh with her. She has always been very flexible if something came up between our sessions, if I needed more or less time and if it was necessary to move our appointments. She is offering sessions through Skype and has reasonable rates (even a sliding scale). By the way, doing therapy through Skype has never been a problem for me and working with her was for me the best decision I ever made. If you are interested in giving her a try, write me a pm and I send you the contact information!
  24. Had my first therapy session yesterday. It wasn't very fruitful. The therapist thinks she may not be the right one for me. I think I might agree but I wanna see it through a few more sessions before switching. Before I went to her I looked her up and found out she's a pretty serious Christian. I'm an atheist and have some pretty bad history with religion but maybe she can help. I mean it's possible. I don't have a car right now and she's the only therapist that's really walking distance. I've been reading self-help for a LONG time and lately I've gotten into Dr. Albert Ellis and Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy. Over that last couple of weeks I've been able to identify my irrational beliefs about certain things and not get too upset about certain things any more by using his stuff precisely. Being a smart guy and someone who tends to get very immersed in things, I wanna find a therapist who does REBT in particular since I'm reading about it but it's not absolutely necessary. If I don't think the therapist is sharp or I'd say someone who impresses me with their ability (as I am with anyone I'd listen to about anything) I tend to not wanna take them seriously. Thoughts anyone?
  25. Greetings FDR Board Members, My name is Andrew. I have been engaged in the FDR podcasts for the past 5 months. I feel very anxious about participating in the forums, and in a deeper sense, I am afraid of feeling vulnerable. I have been gaining self-knowledge and it has led to a much more fulfilling relationship with my beautiful girlfriend and my self. I was spanked by my father when I was young. I got into a very tense argument with my parents about this atrocity a couple of months ago, and have started seeing a therapist since. I currently am avoiding seeing my parents so that I can gain the self-confidence to engage in a productive argument, at least on my end. I am 22 years old and work full-time as a butcher. I went to college for two and a half years, and dropped out on impulse to pursue my joy from drumming. This was before FDR. Now, I struggle to make long term professional goals that are more rooted in reality and my desire to help people find happiness. I love philosophy and communicating with others. I hope to start my own business one day which accepts Bitcoin. I am sorry for the rambling. I really want to be a productive member of this community and to meet lots of rational people. Thank you for reading, Andrew