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Elizbaeth last won the day on April 18

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  1. Elizbaeth

    Help Me Figure This Out

    I think I might feel a stronger instinct to protect her and boost her up. Wow. I’m so sorry. That’s rough! I’m sure she must have taken out her insecurities on you. It must have been very hard to have a mother do that to you. True beauty is a rare thing, and I would love to be an example of it for a child. I think this is great. I never really learned to say anything like that or to stand up for myself, and I think it would be awesome for a child to be able to do that.
  2. Elizbaeth

    Help Me Figure This Out

    Yes of course. That is why I mentioned my feelings and attitude at all. I don't like my feelings and want to examine them. I think it was you, actually, in the post about rites of passage, that mentioned that I maybe I shouldn't think of men as such brutes. I read that and realized that there is a very strong proclivity in my to believe that. It's an emotional response. I do want to get rid of it and feel something healthier, and more true. Ugh.... This just seems like an admission that sexual men are the horrible, vile, devouring creatures that I'm afraid they are. This it's just a glutenous, never-ending consumption of flesh, and they are innately just these dark, sick underworld things that just eat and eat and take. Like they can't love. They can only be victims of their own need to consume female beauty and sex. I just feel disgust in response to reading this. I am disgusted by the drive itself. Why are men so gross as to need an outlet? I know how offensive to men this is - really, I'm sorry. But like I said I want to change what I feel, so I have to be honest about it. But all that you're saying just makes me think that men are barely-civilized animals who are unable to control themselves, and women are just terrible and bad, too. It feels like it is predetermined and written. I know all the stats and things like that, but the feeling doesn't match up with what I know. I feel like there is an impending disaster. I've had a few bad experiences with male sexuality, yes, but none that I can remember while I was terribly young, so I feel confused about my feelings. I have listened to Stefan for a while, so my first impulse was to check childhood, but I'm drawing blanks. I have lots of feelings about these things. I know I keep using the word feeling, but it's really the most solid, truthful thing I can draw on. I don't know very much about what I feel this way, just that I do. I think it is fear. I feel afraid. The script goes like this - they are my sweet and good sons now, and when they hit puberty, they will become disgusting and they will not be worthy of my love because they will be gross, obsessed with hurting women and will not be capable of being good. Obviously I realize how crazy this is. But yeah, I think I'm feeling fear. I think this is accurate. Right now I see my boys as good. I always wanted sons and I could always imagine happiness between me and young sons. When they start developing as sexual beings I feel like that is when they will be transformed into something bad. And it's like it's not even their fault. It's just what it is. But I must keep them from changing, or make them into something else altogether so that they don't become bad. I cannot imagine at all a peaceful time with a daughter. I feel like she is bad. She is bad because she is a girl and yes, female sexuality is the downfall of almost everything. Absolutely. Men can't help that they lust so much, and women are to blame for their beauty and attractiveness. If a girl is attractive she should do everything she can to apologize for it and to hide it, because it unleashes such monstrosity in men. A girl can't be good because she inherently triggers evil and lust, just because she is. Right. I see some really bad outcomes for these feelings of mine. It only leads to disaster. The only pattern I can really identify is between me and my mother. I had a great relationship with her until I was a teenager. I do remember her checking me for underwear (that one always confused me. Of all the things I would do, why would I not want to wear underwear? ). I think it's pretty easy to see that I felt like it was bad to be a girl - always being asked to check and double check my clothing from every possible angle. But it was like she wanted to hide my attractiveness and also sort of liked it. Maybe I just misinterpreted a mother's protective instincts about a young, attractive daughter. But it always felt like I needed to go to some really crazy lengths to not tempt men, and yet she would also always point out my flat stomach, or would always tell me about the guys she saw looking at my butt or other lewd stuff like that. It's not even a very big thing, but I remember being so uncomfortable and confused when she told me I couldn't wear certain clothes to church anymore - just normal clothes that I had worn up until then - because the older men would look at me and have bad thoughts. Not really a crazy things, but I had been allowed to wear them before and no one cared, but when I began to grow it was wrong to do so. And they weren't revealing or crazy clothes. Just t-shirts. So I always felt terribly guilty over being slightly attractive, and then always extremely self-conscious and hyper aware of male attention. I remember her sitting me down one day before I had visitation with my dad. She held me in the ricking chair and told me to tell her in anyone touched me in a wrong way, and I remember how extremely uncomfortable that made me. I don't think anyone had done anything to me. I remember going to some type of dr when I was little - I think it was a child psychologist to help with the divorce - and feeling very, very uncomfortable. But I don't really remember. So the best I can do is chalk it up to some uncomfortable feelings. It could all be explained as just a mother worrying about her daughter, and me misinterpreting it. I do think I'm afraid I would repeat the pattern. I disliked the parent my mother was as I grew, and I think I'm afraid of becoming her. You were helpful. Thank you. I felt very anxious and a little sick to my stomach, but I felt... um, I felt, maybe, seen? Seen, I guess. Thank you!
  3. Elizbaeth

    Help Me Figure This Out

    I'm glad I don't know people here, personally, or I would never be able to post this. This might be an open-shut issue, and it might be very obvious, but I'm finding issues popping up in my own feelings and I'm not sure about they're about, where they come from, or how to deal with them. I chose to post here because I think it will be most relevant for my sons and how I parent them and relate to them as they get older. I'm pretty embarrassed about this and frightened at myself, so please be kind (always honest, though). So it's become more apparent to me that I'm harboring some very negative feelings about male sexuality. When I start to think about my sons growing older and becoming interested in women, I get this sinking knot in my stomach, just this pit of dread and I feel afraid. I'm not exactly sure what I'm afraid of. The closest thing I can think of is that I'm afraid that, when they hit puberty and began to be sexual, that I will no longer see them as good. I throw my thoughts into the future and try to imagine living with and enjoying teenage boys, and there is a big part of me that instantly feels like I must patrol their sexuality with this sort of aggressive attitude, almost like it will be Me vs Boy Sexuality, and one of us is going to lose. I am having a hard time imagining how we will share any level of tenderness or affection once they turn into sexual beings. It seems like everything will be tainted, and gross and vile, and like any goodness will be gone because they will be these devouring, hungry monsters snacking on taking, must endlessly taking lust and sex. Obviously this is not a good attitude, and I'm really struggling. I think I have a deep fear of male sexuality, although I know, factually that I shouldn't be afraid. It just seems like male sexuality is this cold, ghastly animal that gluts itself and uses up its prey and then just moves on to the next item on the list. I think I'm afraid that, once my sons are no longer children, that they will become bad. That male sexuality = inability to love. Yes, I'm sure this reveals tons of bad things about me that I would rather not shine light on, but I feel like, unless I figure this out, I'm just putting myself on course for a terrible time between me and my sons, and I love them very much and would like for them to love me, too - even as teenagers, and onto adulthood and beyond. Edit: I think this also applies to girls, too.It's just not as immediately relevant since I only have boys at the moment. My husband and I have been talking about a third kid in the future, and I am terrified of having a girl. When I try to imagine the mother-daughter relationship, I see nothing but me doing to best to exterminate all signs of sexuality. And I mean exterminate. And I'm not talking about preventing promiscuity or anything like that. My mother-daughter fantasy is this horrible attack of me trying to kill all sexuality, and I just have this feeling that any daughter I could ever have would be my mortal enemy - especially if she were pretty. My imagination just cannot pull up a happy mother-daughter relationship at all, even while the hypothetical daughter is an infant.
  4. Elizbaeth

    Breastfeeding and child nutrition (8 month old)

    I'm happy to hear from you! Congrats on your kid walking! It's so much fun! I'm glad to know that your son is on the chart for height. Does this mean his height is in a positive trend? I know I brought this up before, but have you ruled out using formula? I being this up again because of the two people I know who wanted to breastfeed, but neither of their sons really grew or filled out until they stopped breastfeeding and switched to formula. In most circumstances I'm very much against formula, but I think there are some cases where it can be a good thing. Both of the mothers I knew were very much attachment-type parents, who desperately wanted a good nursing relationship and to breastfeed for a long time, and I'm not sure what it was about their breast milk, but they simply weren't able to produce a milk that was rich and nourishing enough. Maybe the mothers had endocrine issues themselves. Who knows for sure. But my point is that a lot of pro-nursing moms might try to keep breastfeeding regardless of other signs, and in the end, the most important thing is that the baby gets nourishment. Just shooting around in the dark, hoping something will be useful for you.
  5. That's pretty typical of guys. I think I heard it called "Hero Intelligence" once — the propensity for risk-taking. It sounds like a pretty gender-typical thing. That can be great for you, and it can help you do some amazing things! But women usually are pretty adverse to that type of thinking. Women have "Longevity Intelligence," or so the youtube video I was listen ting to said. Hero vs Longevity. That seems like your issue. Neither way of thinking is by default good or bad, but it is only disrespectful for both sides to ignore what they other's innate perspective is when both sides have so much to offer. (whic Life Pro Tip: Women emotionally bond via discussing negative things. Yes, it can be irritating. Have you ever heard a group of women sitting around at work, talking about the problems in their love lives, or how they feel sad about something? They're bonding. All women do this. We feel connected to each other when we share our negative feelings. However, a lot of young women make the mistake of thinking that men also respond to this. This type of bonding is, I believe, for strengthening female camaraderie. She is trying to bond with you, but she's doing it in an inexperienced way - she obviously doesn't know a lot about how men think and operate, either, other than the obvious sexual stuff. Whoa.... There is so much in here that is just a recipe for disaster. I'll break it down and see if I can help. Oh man. For you - if you're girl is not enough for you to not mentally stray, how are you contemplating a future with her? YOu are only setting yourself up for your own future disappointment and dissatisfaction. Think about your own future happiness and ability to remain faithful in your imaginary future marriage to her. If you're already mentally straying, it's a pretty big signal. If you really want a good future relationship, it should be a joy to commit (in body and in mind) to one person. It may be kinder for your future self to think about this, and minimize any sexual struggles by just finding someone who you love and aren't tempted to cheat on. As for her side of things.... I would be so incredibly hurt if my husband had said anything like this to me, ever. The feeling of betrayal, of not being loved, not being safe or protected would make it nearly impossible for me to even look at him without thinking about the lies in his mind. I would feel like I had been cheated on just as much as if he had gone out and committed the dead. I don't know if I could recover from that, to be honest. And it's a different thing that just recognizing that another women is attractive. That doesn't bother me or any normal woman. But no woman wants her man to want to experience another woman intimately. People can spout Red Pill theories at me all day long about how women like to be cucked or whatever other nonsense. I don't care. Sexual infidelity is painful for either gender, and is an insult and disgrace for both men and women. No no no no. She withheld some very sensitive and necessary information from you. I get that she was hurt, but she put herself in a position to be taken advantage of, got herself in an iffy situation, and then didn't tell you about because she was afraid of your reaction. I tend to be a little over-forgiving many times, so I could see (if this were me, getting this information about a boyfriend) myself forgiving a guy for being dumb as long as nothing serious happened, but only if he was direct and forthright about it, apologized, and promised (and followed through with the promise) to not put himself in situations which would make him vulnerable to cheating behavior. These are some big red flags. Big, big, big potential problems just waiting for the right disaster to erupt into full-blown chaos and drama. And on top of that, wrong is not the answer for a wrong. She probably felt comfortable telling you about her "kiss, or almost-kiss" since you had mentally betrayed her, but these are all signs. So you know that was wrong. You're trying to manipulate her. This is not a good sign. Would you manipulate someone you actually loved? I don;t know how she trusts you in the slightest (probably why she doesn't listen to your advice about travel or ect) given that you'd say things like this to her. Either you're lying, which makes her think you're weak and pathetic, since you have to resort to manipulation to get her to visit, or she actually believes you, and thinks that she is needed because she can provide you with sex, but if you can't control yourself, then you're unstable, don't value her at all, and can only minimally value the sex she can offer since you're unable to wait for her and will sleep with someone else, and you care very little about the pain or hurt it would cause her. I would break it off with her as soon as possible. You guys are in a mini-marriage already, but it's not going to work since neither of you are committed nor care enough about the other person to do what's needed to make it work. You're taking to goods from her and still deliberating as to whether or not she's worth it. That would be like a girl who has full access to your bank account and uses it to pay for all her needs, but still doesn't know whether or not she wants to be with you. You've gotten everything wrong from the very beginning. Do whatever you think, of course, but my advice is to be a gentleman, and cut it off quickly and clearly. No reason to prolong the heartache for either or you. Then go be a 25 year old guy and learn more about women in general and the world, and then, when you want to get married, analyse the crap a=out of your game plan. Make a "Marriage Game Plan." Not joking. Systematically go through ALLL the details - personality, life skills necessary, shared dreams, parenting styles, hobbies, methods of argument resolution, sense of humor, daily task division - that a successful marriage would require, and then make yourself into the right guy for it, and then after that, systematically search for the right girl. That is how good marriages are built. And don't enter into these little half-marriages before you are committed. That means you shouldn't be her provider without her undying commitment, and she shouldn't have sex with you without your eternal love and fidelity. You can things things differently, of course, but other ways have lots of heartache, instability, and dysfunction involved.
  6. @smarterthanone please don't do this to any girl you seriously consider dating. It is a very cruel thing, and is especially painful. Yes. She will probably do anything to make you give her attention again. So in a way, you will see quick results. But I guarantee that she will grow to resent being manipulated and hurt in order to gain compliance from the man who is supposed to love and protect her. Would you be able to maintain love, trust, and affection for a woman who withheld sex as a punishment for not doing what she wanted? Of course you wouldn't. Ghosting is the same as that to women. It is unbelievable painful and will not make love and respect for you blossom in her heart. Ehhhhh but you're really just insulting her. Maybe she doesn't value his advice because he shows inconsistencies or gives off other signals that would indicate that he is not the best to trust. It is always better to criticize yourself first, before you start demanding compliance from others. From a woman's point-of-view, it sounds like she is shutting down because you refuse to empathize with her or try to understand her concerns. When I was pregnant with my first son, we decided to travel around the country in our RV. We owned a house, but were debating where we wanted to settled down once the kid arrived. I had extreme anxiety over living in the RV with a newborn, but my husband brushed off my concerns and told me I was being irrational. It was a big sting, and I have not forgotten it, even if I've forgiven it. Because, you see, once our son was born, he had colic, and I had to walk him up and down for hours each night, and if we had lived in the RV at the time it would have been utterly disastrous. Women's logic and ideas are based off of a different set of perimeters than men's. We tend to be better at thinking about the difficulty and hardships that children might bring. From my experience, men who have never had children greatly underestimate what it takes to do anything with children. Maybe you shouldn't brush off her protestations so quickly. It really sounds like your idea of a good conversation is you telling her your opinion, and her accepting it without hesitation or without any concerns of her own. I would not want to spend time with you or talk to you, if you showed such little regard for me or my thoughts or ideas about things like traveling with children. You're expecting her to understand you and give you support and listen to your thoughts, but you're not extending the same consideration to her, and then you're punishing her for not giving immediate compliance. My whole body would shut down if I were in a relationship with a man like that. I definitely know why she can't orgasm. @smarterthanone I hope you only mean that woman get less physically nubile as they age... If not, then I really don't know why you would ever want to marry one. If you really believe that women are only worth having in their tiny fertile window, then it doesn't seem like you like women very much. Women have lots more to offer besides their youth and fertility. Femininity has no age limit, and yes, there is toxic femininity, and then there is a nurturing, healing femininity. Do you want a woman in your life, or do you want a hot young body to have sex with? If it's the former, than it would really be good to stop saying negative things about the gender at large. If it's the latter, than what's stopping you, and why so much anger all the time? If you want to find a woman to love you might want to tone it down on the embittered, woman-using vendetta and learn some appreciation for femininity. And if you can't bring yourself to feel appreciation for basic femininity, then why do you want to be with someone who is feminine? What if you were to get married, have children, and one of them was a daughter? Would you punish her for her basic femininity? That would be just a wrong for me to try to manipulate the maleness out of my boys. I would be rather cruel and unkind if I resented any masculinity from my husband, and tried to punish it out of him. He thinks differently than me, and our differences can make us more informed and unified, if we choose to empathize with the other's point of view and though processes.
  7. oh man... I understand how hard it is to be lonely. It is one of the most miserable feelings in the world. But it really doesn't sound like you want to be with her other than the fact that she is an entertaining companion and she lets you have sex with her. You're pretty young. 25 is a very good age for a man, and you have a good decade before you need to settle down. I can say this with 98% certainty - a woman's inability to orgasm has more to do with her thoughts and feelings, and not the physical, mechanical techniques. Honestly I think she probably can sense that you don't love her. You haven't proposed. You're in a little mini-marriage with her until things fall apart, and that's really not a very flattering thing for a woman, nor does it make her feel safe or cherished. If you aren't 100% sold on her, just do the kind things and break it off with her, as quickly as possible. It will save her heart and it will give you an opportunity to find someone better matched to you. Yeah, birth control is very damaging to libido. It's not always a personal attack or reflection on men if the woman isn't in the mood for sex. Try not to think it's always about you. It may be due to her own insecurities, or do due the fake hormones that birth control introduces to the body. I personally think birth control is quite harmful in multiple ways. You should really either break up with her or lock here down 100%, although it seems like it would be smarted for you to end things. She doesn't sound like a bad girl. She sounds like she has some good qualities, but it sounds like both of you are already having a hard time empathizing with one another, and it doesn't seem like you really want to do the work necessary to really understand one another's point of view or feelings. People can learn to empathize with someone who sees things very differently, but it does take commitment to the relationship and to being the absolute best person you can be, at all times. If you're not committed to doing that with her, it seems like you two are just going to hurt each other and waster each other's time. Good luck!
  8. Elizbaeth

    Stefan talking about sleep training

    @barn I only have my personal anecdote, but I did not want to let my son cry it out because, well, hearing him cry caused me extreme anxiety. My blood pressure would immediately spike when I head him cry, and I would feel unable to focus on almost anything else until I got to him and figured out what was making him cry and how to fix it. When I let him cry it out, it was tough to lay there, fighting my own anxiety. I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that I suffered much worse than my son did. And yes - I think my son was much happier once he was sleeping through the night without interruption. Not all children have the same personality, and some may do better with physical closeness nearby, but letting my son cry it out seemed like a relief and blessing to our whole family. Now he loves to get into bed at night, and only wakes up if he is sick or there is something wrong in some way.
  9. Elizbaeth

    Stefan talking about sleep training

    This is what I especially struggled with with my first son. I was terrified that if I allowed him to just cry in his room, all alone and in the dark, that it would totally scar him and flood his brain with all sorts of stress hormones and set off a domino cascade of negative reactions. I was a baby-wearing, constant contact, exceedingly tactile mom to my infant, and he was probably smothered with my insecurity and anxiety to nurture the crap out of him. The constant nagging anxiety of searching the internet for more information about what is good or what is harmful for your kid, and always helicoptering around them in the hopes that you will prevent them from feeling pain for from feeling scared of abandoned, it a dead-end street. I think a strict aversion to letting them cry it out at night is part of that hovering. If you can find a more gentle, easy way to do it, then yes! Do that! But maybe - for many different reasons - that doesn't work. I believe that this is where intuition and a good parent-baby bond is very helpful. Only the caregiver can really know if the baby is crying because it is scared, hungry, uncomfortable, or because it is angry and upset that the routine has changed. Sternness, coupled with an intact intuition and empathy, will allow the caregiver to make mature, well-formed decisions about whether or not letting their child cry it out at night is harmful or beneficial. I think I had created a cycle where he quite literally could not fall asleep unless I was actively bouncing, nursing, or rocking him. This made it so that he would wake up every 2 hours (the average length of a baby's sleep cycle), and he was unable to get rest unless I was doing all the work for him. This made me and my son extremely exhausted. Try living or almost a year with only 2 hours of sleep at a time, and in between those 2 hour "naps," you spend usually a minimum of 30 minutes awake, working to help get everyone asleep again. I was almost unable to function, and my son was quite tire,d too, because he did not get good, consistent, solid sleep. I think the lack of sleep made me struggle with some depression, because I remember, one afternoon, my son cried about something insignificant, and I felt absolutely nothing for him. At best, I felt indifferent in that moment. I was too tired to play, and I just sort of stumbled through my day hoping to catch a small amount of sleep before the torture would start all over again. One night I snapped and just didn't get him. He cried - really hard at first - and then he cried really hard the next night. And then he cried less and less each night and in about a week he sleep from 7 pm -7 am, and he would wake up happy, smiling, and feeling good, and I was happy to see him and felt able to play, talk with, cuddle, and spend my energy and time with him because I actually had energy. My affection for him skyrocketed through the roof and I felt incredibly in love with him, and he was bubbly, engaged, and so enjoyable and fun to be around. It was really good for both of us. Families are ecosystems. My job as the mother is to take care of the children. It does not do the children any favors if I am so spent and exhausted that I am literally fighting depression and antipathy. I can't sacrifice my own well-being 100% to others. I absolutely have to take care of myself. I'm not talking about taking care of myself as an excuse to be lavish or frivolous or lazy. I'm saying that I must give myself the same courtesy of care that I would give to others. It is only right and fair to me, and I cannot be a good person if I am constantly, systematically neglecting my most basic needs.
  10. Aw, I'm sorry. That's disappointing. I guess they're just used to hunting for a certain profile and can't adjust to you. Sorry. I was so sure that a matchmaking service would take all your romantic woes and worries away.
  11. Elizbaeth

    (Lack of) Rites of Passage

    Exactly what I'm trying to figure out,
  12. Elizbaeth

    Stefan talking about sleep training

    It’s very stressful to hear your child cry. If you do it you need to decide it’s what you’re going to do and then you need to stick to it. The only thing worse than letting your child cry himself to sleep is interfering and making it all for nothing. My first son son was always in his own crib, so there was never any transition from my bed to crib. I simply quit getting up in the night. With my second son, he co-slept with us and it was wonderful for a while. We all got sleep and I felt very connected. But then around 9 months he kept punching and kicking and punching all night, and I decided I couldn’t take any more. At first I just put him in a pack-n-play beside our bed, and got up a few times when he’d fuss, and then after about a week of that I moved him to his room and went full-on cry it out. There’s something called a “gentle cry it out” method, but when I used it it only made things worse. My son seemed to adjust a lot faster when I didn’t keep going in the room, reminding him of the fact that I was not going to pick him up. My my oldest is now 2.5 years and my youngest is 11 months. They both sleep very well now unless they are sick or scared.
  13. Elizbaeth

    Stefan talking about sleep training

    I did cry it out with both boys. I wish I had done it sooner with my oldest. I was insanely, utterly exhausted after 11 months of waking up every 2 hours. It was hard to even feel connected to him at times, because I was so just tired that I would feel nauseous waking up in the mornings. I finally just snapped and quit responding to him during the night. After about a week, he slept perfectly through the night and was in much better moods during the day and I was able to have my own sleep and enjoy my time with him. My second son slept in my bed with me until he was about 9 months, and I first transitioned him to his own crib and then let him cry it out, too. I actually felt so bonded to him from the natural birth and cosleeping that I was 100% confident that he was crying just because he was angry. I never worried that he felt like I had abandoned him, which was a big concern of mine for my first son (whose birth was very difficult and I never coslept with him). Other moms will treat crying it out as child abuse, but unless you’re willing to be totally at your child’s mercy for years and years, without any care for yourself (and sanity goes out the window after months of sleep deprivation), I don’t see how crying it out is avoidable. The mom on-call during the night could easily lose her mind, and it’s very hard to be loving and responsive without sleep.
  14. Ah. Sorry then. I was trying to be hopeful, but if she really hasn't learned anything and only regrets that her options have narrowed, then she would just be the thief who was sad she got caught. I agree. I would, however, also say that in this case, the devil is also in the details. It's hard to moralize something so general. But yeah, I've seen it too. Yeah. The Royal Wedding was a jaw-dropper for me. I can't believe that the royal family would allow him to marry her. She's super cute and charismatic, but aren't there a billion other cute and charismatic girls available for Prince Harry? Have you ever considered using a Matchmaker service? I would have used one if I could have afforded it when I was single. I used the internet, and really loved how I could screen via my answers and other input, but I remember wishing back in my college days that there was a matchmaker around who could find me someone. Because there's no "The One." There are people who have qualities that you can love and live with and who are compatible with you in other ways, and I would have given a lot when I was younger to know that there was someone I could trust to select a proper mate for me. It would have saved me so much time and emotional energy, and I could have used my remaining time to do many more things. I think I read somewhere on another post that you made some money in real estate, or something like that. What if you hired a matchmaker? You could specify what qualities you wanted, the matchmaker service could screen women who had only those qualities, and then you could choose from that pool of women. You could also look at the women's histories, their families, their education, etc, and you could know that they had everything on paper that you would need for a marriage to logistically work before you ever wasted any emotional investment on them. Also, if you selected the perfect girl, and things were tense, you would know that the flaw was in you and you should probably need to improve yourself. I think it's perfect. Companies use hiring firms to screen potential employees, right? Then those that make it through are personally interviewed by the employer. Why shouldn't relationships be treated the same way? It would provide a perfectly stable environment for a loving, passionate relationship to grow and thrive.
  15. Elizbaeth

    Jordan Petersons Debate

    It seems like you just restated what I had said about self-identifying lesbians becoming physically aroused by both genders. I’m sorry, man. It really just seems to me like you’re being the master of non-committal statements. Dude... which is it? So if a husband-stealing whore is serious about her future and the relationship with the man, she’s not going to be into sharing him with his wife, right? Is that what you’re saying? And if she’s not interested in stealing him, then she’s not fully invested? So, in both cases, if the woman is invested she will want him all to herself? and, a) why do I have to see anything a certain way? And b) which woman is ultimately invested in the other woman’s children? The husband-stealing whore? Or do you mean the second or third wife in a polygamist marriage? Have you ever heard of an evil stepmother? Just because a woman tolerates another woman’s offspring does not mean she is looking out for their best interests or feels anything remotely similar to a maternal instinct for the other woman’s child. They’re both utterly unable to attract men and both are weighed down with “baggage,” ie children. They’re a perfect match. That might not be so bad if only one of the women was having children, and the others were more or less like worker bees. We’ve definitely done our best to strip them of this role, but I think it’s bred into men, on a genetic level. Just because we’re trying to force people to be unable - and to hate, even - to act in a way which aligns with their own gender does not mean it does not exist. I’ve often wondered about that, and I wish he would give more details about how he manages this. I can’t answer for him. I know that he had a career before he did FDR, and it seems to have been lucrative. I don’t know how much profit he makes off of FDR and donations, but he has been able to keep the show up for, what, 10 years? I speculate that he came into fatherhood already set up to be the main provider and pulls his fair share a f the financial weight. Of course, he is the only one who could say. But it’s like you’re completely forgetting about the innate, terribly strong preference women have for their own children. Women don’t love a baby automatically just because it’s a baby. On the contrary. A friend of mine offered to keep her newborn nephew so he wouldn’t have to be put in daycare, and she found that she had such little empathy for his demands (and even felt anger towards him for pulling her away from her own toddler) that she told her brother that she would no longer watch him. She was shocked at her own reaction and felt extreme guilt over it, but every time he needed her, she felt angry and resentful. Babies are SO needy and demanding. No one enjoys that if they’re of bonded physically and chemically to the child. Women very much prefer their own genetic offspring. I don’t see why this is an argument for polygamy. It really just seems like a result of debt, inflation, poor choices and bad finances and swallowing propaganda. Again, you’re assuming that a woman will love and cherish another woman’s child as if it were her own and that the second or third wife wouldn’t take out her rage at her own offspring being displaced on the offspring of animals ther wife. For this to work, women would have to have no preference for her own children over another woman’s children, and if that’s the case, why wouldn’t a female-run daycare be just as good of an option? You’re avoiding the major reality of women strongly preferring their own children over other people’s children. Right. I didn’t say that my statements were law for every man and every woman. I said they were generalizations of typical men or women. I don’t think that just because there are exceptions to stereotypes nullifies the truth and usefulness of a stereotype. For one, no. Women are not less violent towards children. Women have just as many violent tendencies as men and violent women enjoy taking it out on powerless children just like any other abuser. A bully is a bully, no matter what gender. For another, this is an issue that I’m still undecided on. If children aren’t involved, then no, I don’t see as many reasons why one shouldn’t indulge in sensual pleasures and other kinky tendencies. Loneliness is very bitter and hard, and I can understand why it would be attractive to turn lesbian or gay for some company. I’m still undecided on that, but I think there’s a lot less pressure on those types of relationships since here are no children. (Fro what you say, though, these instances of people choosing lesbian/gay relationships over loneliness isn’t because they are honoring their true intentions and selves. It seems more like they are scared and afraid of the opposite gender and are use same-sex relationships as a way to meet their needs for intimacy without risking themselves, at cost to their real identities. It really seems like they’re selling themselves for safety ) Which is another thing - I thought you said polygamy was about caring for the children? Do you think we’ve been brainwashed? And yeah. I’m very pro-monogamy. I think it’s the only sane way forward. I believe it is the foundation of civilization and the great things that have come out of it, and that without monogamy we’re all basically reducing ourselves to rutting monkeys. I believe that women have an obvious benefit in monogamy, but men do, too. Only in monogamy are you forced to face the worst aspects of yourself and become the very best possibly version of yourself. In a successful monogamous relationship, men are forced to be ever changing and overcoming their own flaws and breaking new ground in the world around them. And women, to keep the love of their man in their older years, must learn to be a wellspring of beautiful truths and love. Monogamy is the perfect place for two people to grow their best souls, and if those two people have children and pass this wisdom onto that generation, then each generation is enriched with a map of how to be a better person, with a better soul. If a man can go from woman to woman to get his different needs met, then he never really confronts the tension between him and his relationships and he just takes the easy way out. Women do this with orbiters, too, but those tend to disappear when her looks go. If a woman hasn’t learned to take herself and become lovely regardless of physical appearance, than she usually turns into a shrew, or a bitter and mean nag. Nags are women who are terribly disappointed in life. I believe marriage is an all or nothing game, and either you’re in or you’re not. No middle ground. No back up plans, no back doors, no escapism or fantasizing. Marriage can be terribly romantic, but only if people grapple with the bare reality and uncomfortable truths, and I don’t think people will do that if they can always turn to another should when times get rough.

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