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Drew Davis

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Drew Davis last won the day on August 1

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126 Awesome!

About Drew Davis

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    http://journeyinward.net

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    Portland, Oregon
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    Counselor
  1. I read that you were looking for articles about the Romanian orphanages. I had a hard time finding information about these children, and I was under the impression that you did too. I did only merely skim the articles themselves, and it seems like I was mistaken, and that this information is even more difficult to find. But, I thought that the authors and linked sources might have written other works on the orphanages or were cited by other people who might have more what you are looking for, that they might be good leads. I know it was not quite what you were looking for, but still, I thought that it might help your search.
  2. How to Teach Your Children to Lie

    It would not be "okay" but I don't think it would violate the non-aggression principle. I could be totally wrong about that, though. I'm definitely not an expert on applying it to analyze every minutiae of a situation. The more specific the example, the harder it can be to apply a principle. Like, in the physics of flight, we know about mass, gravity, drag, etc. but clearly labeling everything since velocity and acceleration are in constant flux is an arduous task. At this point, I don't have a lot of interest exploring further about what would be a violation of the NAP and what would not in terms of lying and its effects.
  3. No Examples of Good Relationships

    I hear that. I think that a healthy relationship will probably look different based on the two individuals involved. That a healthy relationship between Ted and Sara will be different than a relationship between Ted and Jane or Sara and Chaz. For me too, I know that I don't have any examples of healthy relationships with people that I regularly interact with or see. I do think that there are degrees of health in each relationship though, and that stitching together a quilt of healthy aspects might cover it.
  4. http://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/06/neglect.aspx http://www.hup.harvard.edu/catalog.php?isbn=9780674724709 These should get you started, for this topic. The APA sight has citations for further articles, which if you can get access to, will have further citations or be cited by other studies which might cover the topic.
  5. How to Teach Your Children to Lie

    I think that would be like lying about a rape. The person will be arrested, which would be kidnapping if they are innocent, which would violate the NAP. Other slander/libel "This guy is a bad teacher/She makes an inferior product/This dog is the worst lawyer ever..." I'm not sure how the NAP would apply. I feel like there should be some kind of recourse/self-protection there. I do know that if it has been agreed to, such as in a contract, then enforcing the contract would not violate the NAP, provided that it was signed with informed consent.
  6. How to Teach Your Children to Lie

    That is what I was saying about the aesthetics. It is not evil/immoral to lie, but it is shitty/ugly/mean/unworthy etc. Aesthetics are values that are universally preferable, but you cannot use violence to induce good behavior. You can use violence to prevent rape, but you cannot punch someone if they lie to you. With the mention of libel and slander, there are different types of lies, for sure. With those, I am definitely open to hearing the arguments, because those are absolutely harmful lies. Personally, I try to allow some fibbing in my relationships. If someone lies to me to protect their boundaries, I might be upset about being lied to, but I can understand that they want to protect themselves. In the grand scheme of things, lying about "doing nothing" versus "I ate four sleeves of oreo cookies last night" does not significantly negatively impact me.
  7. How to Teach Your Children to Lie

    I said that lying to adults is not abusing them, as in, it is not the same thing and does not have the same effect as it does with children. Lying to adults can be harmful, for sure. I could have explained that better and be more aware of the language that I was using. That, abuse creates trauma creates dysfunction. That does not typically happen with adults.
  8. If he is not initiating force against another person, then it is not immoral. Those governments are the ones initiating force. You could argue that taxes are a bribe to keep the government from seizing your property and throwing you in jail. Tell your friend to smile, be polite, and be white! That worked for me in Asia.
  9. What is the meaning behind surreal art?

    The second one is clearly, "It's raining men" and an homage to a musical masterpiece. Edit: Just noticed a few of those are form Salvador Dali. He made paintings that he saw when he was in a hypnogogic state
  10. How to Teach Your Children to Lie

    Lying to an adult isn't abusing him or her. Adults are not sensitive or dependent on you (or the dissembler) for love, connection, and all that other things. Their world view is more developed, and have the means and faculties to challenge the lie. It would be aesthetically unpreferable, in general. Lies to protect personal boundaries are okay, I think, especially when that person would try to violate your boundaries if you tell the truth. Boundary violation would be aesthetically negative as well. Some people do not deserve or haven't earned our trust, and to share too much too quickly by being extremely honest is to violate our own personal boundaries. Second, I think that lies as jokes are okay as well. For example, when I play a table-top roleplaying game, I might take a hit of a small amount of damage and then pretend that it has knocked me unconscious. Or when a game wraps up in an organized play setting and a friend asks how it went, I told him that the entire party got killed.
  11. Unable to feel love?

    I really strongly disagree with Stef's definition of love. In my experience and perspective, I see that love in the prerequisite to virtue. Let's take children for example. Child need and deserve unconditional love, so for a parent to base his or her love for the child on whether the child is acting appropriately... that is entirely conditional love. Not only that, but we still have this need when we're adults, it's just our job to love ourselves unconditionally. I have seen people try to love themselves based on how virtuous they are, but that's conditional love and fundamentally doesn't sate the need. What I have seen is that the more people love themselves, the more inspired they are to act with virtue. I think that conditional love is appropriate for adult relationships. I would say that this appreciation that you feel for your girlfriend is an expression of love. It might not be very strong, but like, admire, appreciation, etc. are all flavors and intensities of love. I think the head-over-heels stuff is entirely inappropriate and based on fantasies and unmet psychological needs, and is completely counter to a healthy adult relationship.
  12. Reducing my emotional response when people bully me

    I had an experience the other day that was similar in nature, but not severity, to what you described. I was angry at the surface, but I was also experiencing hurt, sorrow, and fear underneath that anger. I knew that with my anger, I had to really try to explore and understand it. So, I journaled as much as I could to connect with my emotions. I leaned into the anger. I listened to what my anger was trying to tell me. That what this person had done was wrong, and also that I felt hurt. I knew that due to the intensity of my anger given the small sleight, something was amplifying my emotions. I tried to think back to when something similar happened to me as a child, because I think that I still carried that historical hurt. So, I explored that historical memory and resolved it, and the level of hurt and anger that I was experiencing dissolved. I could see things more objectively, and while I was still hurt and angry, it was much less so, a more manageable, appropriate, accurate, and fitting level. Now, I'm kind of glad that I had the experience, because I am less vulnerable to attack and I was able to provide for more of my psychological needs. I second what Shirgall said, and imaging the person as putting on a performance is not imagery that I have ever heard of before, but I quite like. I would say probably about 100% of the time (I really wanna say 99% to hedge) that when someone does this, it's never personal. It's always about them. In a way, it would be nice if it was personal, because that means that they care about us, although in a negative direction. I also agree that this senior is probably dumping their excess, uncomfortable emotions onto you, further adding to the fact that it is not personal. It's not fair, and you don't deserve it, but understanding what the other person is doing does help.
  13. Teenage Rebellion: Bad Parenting or "Just a phase?"

    Yeah, this might be more suited for peaceful parenting, but eh, whatever. Teens do go through an individuation process. They distance themselves from their primary family members, make greater associations with peers and people near to their age, they experiment, and they show a greater desire to be independent and not be aided by the parents. So, no matter how good or bad of a parent you are, you can expect this. That these baby birds are going to start trying to fly out of the nest and hunt worms for themselves. This experimentation might involve drugs, alcohol, etc. even with good parenting. There are no teens that I know of that I would consider to have really good parenting, so a lot of this is speculation and also based on developmental theories. Rebellion in my mind has to do with acting out and being angry. There is resentment in rebellion. That, fuck you, you don't know what you're talking about. I think rebellion occurs as the teens come to realize how they have been mistreated and taken advantage of by parenting engaging in poor parenting practices. I think that good parenting can help mitigate rebellion, by allowing the child to be angry at the parents, validating the emotion, and earnestly listening to what the child has to share. Individuation cannot be avoided, and is a great and wonderful thing. It is the transition into full person- and adulthood.
  14. How to Argue

    I'm not sure of any resources to offer, but I have found somethings to be particularly effective or helpful. But, first, we cannot change anyone. They change themselves, and the best we can do is offer guidance, structure, and support. So, the first thing I do is try to seek common ground. It's important that the argument does not get polarized like a political debate between republicans and democrats. The way that I like to look at it is that you want to less get into an argument/debate and have more of a discussion of ideas. You want to be trying to head toward the same goal, not trying to beat the other person's arguments or position. Another thing that I try to be aware of to stave off and circumvent is conclusions/labels that are applied to people. I try never to say something like, "You're a bad parent," and I actively try to predict and deal with those potential inferences, where I might say, "It's bad parenting. You're not a bad parent, but it's not good for the children." Something that I have found helpful is to say something along the lines of, "we all could be better (at) x." Even really awesome, peaceful parents could still be better parents. There is always room for improvement, and don't the children deserve that? Most parents do want what is best for their children, but they have bad conclusions about how to obtain it. Don't press the other too hard on a conclusion. They will either fight back or submit for the sake of getting past it, and no lasting change will occur. Finally, be aware of the emotional climate of the conversation. If emotions and tensions are escalating, the conversation is too stressful to learn anything.
  15. Question about ACE Score

    Yeah, for sure. I know that I played that role with my mother, too.
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