This video got me thinking about the extent to which guilt has on my consciousness and the actions I have taken surrounding my ex-girlfriend's suicide (she wasn't my girlfriend at the time she committed it, but I felt grief and took some actions). Please give me some advise on what I should do with my guiltiness and point out if I was being sadistic.
First I want to talk about the guiltiness I have been feeling recently. I have done harm to others mostly when I was around 12-14 years of age…Whenever I think about them, a feeling of depression overwhelms me into thinking that I’m such a monster and a worthless human being…Just today I was able to label this feeling guiltiness. And then I hear the YouTube video about confession…maybe that’s what I need to do. I have been thinking about at least saying sorry to everyone that I have done harm to so that I may feel better knowing that I was the one who committed the crime and this criminal (me) is at least trying to fix himself. I now know that any sort of restitution is not possible…but at least a confession and apology may help me and the persons I have harmed.. What do you guys think? Is this a good choice for me at this moment? If there is anything else you want to know please ask..
I found out about my ex-girlfriend’s death about a month ago…she had died about a year ago. We stopped dating 2 years ago. She jumped off of a hotel building. I have spoken to her friend who seemed to have more insider information told me that she did drugs and my ex told her that “if I do this[I’m omitting details] drug, I’ll jump off of a building and die”. Although she didn’t leave an explicit note, it seemed like a purposeful suicide to me. The police report said that the death was of inconclusive reason. She had a terrible childhood ranging from physical to sexual abuse. So when I found out about this I cried and thought about what I should do. I decided to let her parents know that it was wrong thing to hit their children (4 including my ex and 3 brothers) and I may have implicitly blamed them for her death. They promptly kicked me out of their house. Did I just try to give them pain? I don’t know if I did the right thing or just sadistic behavior to get back at them…I may have told them that she did leave a note (very implicitly) because she committed suicide to avoid pain.
I would really appreciate your thoughts and help… A lot of help seems to be needed for someone in my current situation…