Freedomain Radio

There really should be a "help with life" section.

 

Anyway, as the title suggests, I feel like I am dying. I suspect I am in a depression, which I suspect is being caused by me digging up old wounds before I had the power to do something about them (as in, getting a job and moving away from my FOO; I'm currently in the process of the former, since I have employee training for CutCo on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday this week...if my mother will allow it; she is trying to be subtle, but I can see what she really means). So the emotions I dug up are going stagnant.

This has left me with a complete inability to even begin to do my schoolwork; even trying gives me intense anxiety, and I am skipping sleep some nights because I feel like I don't deserve to sleep with such a piling workload (my mother is also apathetic to me having a reasonably healthy sleep schedule). For a college course I didn't want but my parents chose for me. She emphisizes the money such jobs earn as if that is all that matters; I think she is just trying to set up one son to be wealthy and emotionally crippled to take care of her when she is old (I swear, given that she is refusing to see any signal at all that something is not right, it's like she wouldn't care if there was a risk of me hanging myself in my future office as long as she got her old age resources). Considering that I only have two semesters of passed classes left before I have the damned degree, it's a lot like a racer having all four of his limbs smashed in a few feet away from the finish line (the end is within sight, but at the moment I'm completely helpless to to get it). Or that saying "so close it might as well be a million miles away". My increasing understand that this path was (yet another) machination of my parents has proportionally deadened my intrinsic motivation to keep going.

People have previously told me that I really need to get out of this house (and I would not disagree; I'm working on getting the financial means to do so). But this really is quite painful, spending even another second in this house. Does anyone have any suggestions on that might be helpful? (like shortcuts to getting away without becoming homeless, or motivational techniques for finishing those last two semesters (it's a full college degree rather than a trade degree, so it is worth something outside of my imposed major)). Something other than bidding my time, which is what I'm already doing.

STOP!

 

Take a few deep breaths.

STOP and focus now on all the good stuff in your life you know is valuable and has good stuff for you to feel good about achieving the point of where you are now. Think about all the happy moments when you just felt so good about what you have done or what happened to you. Think about all the fun moments when you just felt so happy about what has happened to you or to people around you. You know those moments when you received maximum pleasure from.

There's good stuff there. You just need to see it. Focus on it! Now STOP!

Make the best of it! You are just two semesters away from a degree that can get you a job that can get you financial freedom that can set you free. You are so close! I bet you can already see the finish line! Focus on it. You just have to keep going when you are so close.

 

 

I hope this helps ;)

hazek:

 

STOP!

 

Take a few deep breaths.

STOP and focus now on all the good stuff in your life you know is valuable and has good stuff for you to feel good about achieving the point of where you are now. Think about all the happy moments when you just felt so good about what you have done or what happened to you. Think about all the fun moments when you just felt so happy about what has happened to you or to people around you. You know those moments when you received maximum pleasure from.

There's good stuff there. You just need to see it. Focus on it! Now STOP!

Make the best of it! You are just two semesters away from a degree that can get you a job that can get you financial freedom that can set you free. You are so close! I bet you can already see the finish line! Focus on it. You just have to keep going when you are so close.

 

 

I hope this helps ;)

 

 

Lol, CutCo pays it's entry-level people very generously; a base of $16 per sales presentation to an interested customer (regardless of whether or not they buy), or a percentage of the sale that increases as you earn the company more (which ever one is greater).

 But really, a remember a while ago (when I was less academically crippled) that I would not mind much living in a cheap small apartment with roommates while doing low-level jobs instead of doing...this stuff (network management), but that could just be from something other than the course major. Anyway, my point is that money doesn't make you happy. It can buy distractions and diversions (and life and rent), but not happiness.

 

Anyway, if I can assume your meaning, I'm not suicidal quite yet.

hazek:

STOP!

Hazek, yelling (which is how words in all caps comes across) and giving him orders isn't the way to go.

Krof_gninut, what would you like from us?  Would you like to have a chat on Skype?

JamesP:

hazek:

STOP!

Hazek, yelling (which is how words in all caps comes across) and giving him orders isn't the way to go.

Krof_gninut, what would you like from us?  Would you like to have a chat on Skype?

 

I'm not sure. I was kinda hoping that somewhere in the combined knowledge of the FDR community, someone would have some trick for tolerating these things well enough to keep going. Although Hazek does have an interesting idea (or springboarded one); since I would rather sit and do nothing than do my work, maybe I could try taking up meditation as a way to muster up the will to do my work.

There really is no trick.  You are faced with many options but two are more prominent and based on what you have said the only ones I am aware of to comment.

1) Stick it out and finish up your school work and then you may have enough financial security to leave.  If this academic line is not what you want can you change majors to something that will not prolong your time at home, i.e. your misery?  You could always use the degree just to get started and move onto another or related career field.

2) Quit right now, move out, and start your life regardless of the degree.  You might still be able to finish it on your own...it may be difficult or take longer (going half-time or less) but then it would be your decision whether to continue or not and not something forced upon you.

 

Examine your life carefully to find options" Do you have friends or relatives (that you care for and who care for you) that have some pull at a company or within  a field you like?  Maybe they can get you a decent starting job or into a field you like with soem opportunities.  Do you even know what you would like to do?  I do not ask this sarcastically but sincerely, have you taken stock to see what kinds of jobs you would like to do or what interests you?  I think that would be a first step career wise if you are looking for self-fulfillment and not just money, figure out what it is that you want to do and if your current situation does not help move you towards that then start making plans to remedy the situation.

Man, sounds like you're in a really tough position.

Some of the hardest lessons I've had to learn in life this far are that there are no guarantees, and there often isn't an obvious "right" path.  We make our choices, live with the consequences, deal with the things we have no power over, and that's that.

That said, I have a bit of concrete advice.  First, if you feel like you are in physical danger (from yourself, your mother, etc), that is the most important thing to attend to.

If this is more of a mental/emotional issue than a physical one, then there are things you can do to alleviate it without necessarily changing your physical circumstances.  For example, I'd suggest spending as much time as possible out of the house, in a place you enjoy.  Visual cues can be quite powerful, and if your house is full of bad memories, then that could really get you down.

I personally would say it's worth to stick it out and get a degree.  I think the short-term pain will be worth it for the long-term gain (it was, for me).  But only you know your exact circumstances, so only you can make that decision.  Having moral support definitely helps, though, and it sounds like your mother is being the opposite of supportive.  Do you have peers you can lean on?

You mentioned you're studying network management.  The knowledge/experience/degree you're gaining will open doors to worlds of fascinating jobs just waiting for you to explore them.  Working in a similar field, I can tell you that.  However, the best tech companies look for people who enjoy what they're doing and take initiative, so I would highly recommend finding aspects of it that you enjoy and working on some personal projects, if you're not doing that already.  Get them on your resume, practice talking convincingly about them.  Make as many connections as you can while you're still in school.  Get inspiration and advice from the tech wizards who have gone before us.  There are plenty of free resources, and lots of fascinating books to read.  Really, the world is your oyster, and beyond random chance, life will be what you make it.  Good luck!

Also, I highly recommend making sure you're attending to the basics.  Eating well, drinking lots of water, getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, showering regularly, keeping your living space tidy.  For me, these things tend to slip very quickly when I start feeling down, and once I'm neglecting them, I feel worse than ever and it becomes difficult to get out of the hole.  If you are struggling with this, I don't have much tried-and-true advice except to say that every little thing you can do to take care of yourself will brighten your day and make you feel more comfortable in your own skin.

Krof_Gninut:

This has left me with a complete inability to even begin to do my schoolwork; even trying gives me intense anxiety,

Any idea what this intense anxiety is about?

People have previously told me that I really need to get out of this house (and I would not disagree; I'm working on getting the financial means to do so). But this really is quite painful, spending even another second in this house.

Do you perhaps have friends that wouldn't mind you staying for a time at their place, until you're able to rent a room for yourself?

As for college, are there counselors available to you? I would suggest finding as much support as you can: at your school, inform the GP, perhaps you can get some therapy or counseling for free, ask for help from friends etc. Is it possible to finish your college degree under less strict requierments (like, you're allowed more time) if you're experiencing personal problems?

My sympathies for the tough situation you're in. I hope you find support to transition into living independently. 

Krof_Gninut:

I feel like I am dying. I suspect I am in a depression, which I suspect is being caused by me digging up old wounds before I had the power to do something about them

It seems like you have two things coming up that will allow you more independence, a degree and a job, and this is causing you some difficulty. How were you treated when you tried to gain adult-like independence (or the skills for it) to varying degrees at different ages, especially independence from her desires for your life? How have your parents tried to get their way in the past?

Krof_Gninut:

if my mother will allow it; she is trying to be subtle, but I can see what she really means

She seems to have quite a hold over you.

Krof_Gninut:

So the emotions I dug up are going stagnant.

That may be because you are trying to protect yourself somehow.

Krof_Gninut:

This has left me with a complete inability to even begin to do my schoolwork; even trying gives me intense anxiety, and I am skipping sleep some nights because I feel like I don't deserve to sleep with such a piling workload (my mother is also apathetic to me having a reasonably healthy sleep schedule).

She sounds controlling and slavedriving to the point of not caring about your needs rather than merely apathetic.

Krof_Gninut:

She emphisizes the money such jobs earn as if that is all that matters; I think she is just trying to set up one son to be wealthy and emotionally crippled to take care of her when she is old

You may be right, but it seems like you're taking care of her current desires to run a life that's successful in her, or more likely her peers' or parents', eyes (probably completely unlike hers, since she likely has no motivation to go for what she wants). The thing about old age is likely a distraction from that.

Krof_Gninut:

I swear, given that she is refusing to see any signal at all that something is not right, it's like she wouldn't care if there was a risk of me hanging myself in my future office as long as she got her old age resources

People who try to run others' lives do not have empathy for them. This is quite clear by her disregard of your depression and your suicidal thoughts.

Krof_Gninut:

the end is within sight, but at the moment I'm completely helpless to to get it

You don't have to get it now. There are ways of stopping now and picking up later. Just make sure you talk to the people at your school to see how to go about that successfully rather than just quitting suddenly, since that makes it harder to resume later.

Krof_Gninut:

My increasing understand that this path was (yet another) machination of my parents has proportionally deadened my intrinsic motivation to keep going.

Right. Slaves don't have motivation, especially when they have another way to survive, like the Underground Railroad of your upcoming job. The light at the end of that tunnel (or the similar tunnels it hints at) is likely why you quit doing what she wants.

Krof_Gninut:

But this really is quite painful, spending even another second in this house. Does anyone have any suggestions on that might be helpful?

It sounds like your mother is quite proficient in inflicting pain. I would recommend taking this time to become more conscious of that rather than trying to change it, since she's giving free demonstrations of her motivations if you're willing to watch closely.

Krof_Gninut:

motivational techniques for finishing those last two semesters

One motivational technique is that you don't have to finish now. You can wait and do a semester in a few years and the last semester a few years after that. You can start up a major you're actually interested in and even though you'll spend more time, you'll already have the nonmajor classes out of the way. You probably don't even have to go to the same college. Plus, you can see if a college degree even makes sense to you later on; it might not.

JamesP:

hazek:

STOP!

Hazek, yelling (which is how words in all caps comes across) and giving him orders isn't the way to go.

Krof_gninut, what would you like from us?  Would you like to have a chat on Skype?

Are you ok, James?

 This october, seemingly out of nowhere, i got sucked into a swirling vortex of depression. just thinking about it makes me want to hide. it lasted about 3 weeks. then just by chance, i listened to steph mention that marathon training helped alanis morisette conquer major depression. the next morning, i woke up at 5 and worked out for 30mins. i kept that up for awhile (till my baby began teething and waking up at night alot..to be honest i pretty much stopped now and im guilty and angry at myself, but thats another topic..)

 

but..holy shit..it actually helped! i read what youre going through and damn it sucks how life throws everything at us at once sometimes. and at least for me, self-knowledge and all the pain (and joy, of course) was unstoppable since coming to FDR. i would liken it to labor, or even an orgasm, perhaps? but even though its kinda hypocritical since ive been slacking off lately, have you tried exercise? it kept me in a good-ish mood for WEEKS longer than ive ever been able to sustain before. it also gave me a new burst of energy to overcome my problems. man, i really gotta get back to that... 

Cooper MacLean:

There really is no trick.  You are faced with many options but two are more prominent and based on what you have said the only ones I am aware of to comment.

1) Stick it out and finish up your school work and then you may have enough financial security to leave.  If this academic line is not what you want can you change majors to something that will not prolong your time at home, i.e. your misery?  You could always use the degree just to get started and move onto another or related career field.

2) Quit right now, move out, and start your life regardless of the degree.  You might still be able to finish it on your own...it may be difficult or take longer (going half-time or less) but then it would be your decision whether to continue or not and not something forced upon you.

 

Examine your life carefully to find options" Do you have friends or relatives (that you care for and who care for you) that have some pull at a company or within  a field you like?  Maybe they can get you a decent starting job or into a field you like with soem opportunities.  Do you even know what you would like to do?  I do not ask this sarcastically but sincerely, have you taken stock to see what kinds of jobs you would like to do or what interests you?  I think that would be a first step career wise if you are looking for self-fulfillment and not just money, figure out what it is that you want to do and if your current situation does not help move you towards that then start making plans to remedy the situation.

 

Truth be told, I'm actually quite isolated. I'm a hermit who has no nearby friends, I take online classes now (which are pretty impersonal with the other classmates), and the friends I do have are scattered far and wide (either online friends or people I knew IRL but have become physically distant to). I think that my childhood in a military family of moving somewhere else every few years has deadened my desire to make friends, since they will all be taken away by distance eventually. Even the friends I do have, I eventually grow apart from (it is sometimes tiring how I'm the only one that tries to maintain contact with them).

 

My passions are psychoanalysis, but I once desired to know how to write code, and the upcoming job has me rather excited about sales (a field I have never considered).

I could probably change majors, but not to anything I'm really interested in, and doing so would probably incur quite a lot of overt rage (an outcome I'd like to avoid).

Annabelle:

Man, sounds like you're in a really tough position.

Some of the hardest lessons I've had to learn in life this far are that there are no guarantees, and there often isn't an obvious "right" path.  We make our choices, live with the consequences, deal with the things we have no power over, and that's that.

That said, I have a bit of concrete advice.  First, if you feel like you are in physical danger (from yourself, your mother, etc), that is the most important thing to attend to.

If this is more of a mental/emotional issue than a physical one, then there are things you can do to alleviate it without necessarily changing your physical circumstances.  For example, I'd suggest spending as much time as possible out of the house, in a place you enjoy.  Visual cues can be quite powerful, and if your house is full of bad memories, then that could really get you down.

I personally would say it's worth to stick it out and get a degree.  I think the short-term pain will be worth it for the long-term gain (it was, for me).  But only you know your exact circumstances, so only you can make that decision.  Having moral support definitely helps, though, and it sounds like your mother is being the opposite of supportive.  Do you have peers you can lean on?

You mentioned you're studying network management.  The knowledge/experience/degree you're gaining will open doors to worlds of fascinating jobs just waiting for you to explore them.  Working in a similar field, I can tell you that.  However, the best tech companies look for people who enjoy what they're doing and take initiative, so I would highly recommend finding aspects of it that you enjoy and working on some personal projects, if you're not doing that already.  Get them on your resume, practice talking convincingly about them.  Make as many connections as you can while you're still in school.  Get inspiration and advice from the tech wizards who have gone before us.  There are plenty of free resources, and lots of fascinating books to read.  Really, the world is your oyster, and beyond random chance, life will be what you make it.  Good luck!

I would not discount physical danger; I recall her saying (in an unserious way that tries to pass of as exaggeration) that if I don't pass, she will "kill me"; this "joking" comment is notable since I am designated to be autistic, which the prevailing common knowledge would say includes taking things literally, and she does credit her knowledge of autism to be at expert-level.

As for health...my sleep schedule is extremely inconsistant (only stopped from getting worse by experience of what happens when it goes too far), and before I started spending more time in my room rather than the living room (I spent more time in the living room after my father left for another military occupation), I spent so much of my time in the same chair that I joked that I would be growing roots in it (needless to say, my fitness of any kind is not quite healthy). I actually prefer snacking on vegetables, but there never seems to be many in the house.

Krof_Gninut:

JamesP:

hazek:

STOP!

Hazek, yelling (which is how words in all caps comes across) and giving him orders isn't the way to go.

Krof_gninut, what would you like from us?  Would you like to have a chat on Skype?

 

I'm not sure. I was kinda hoping that somewhere in the combined knowledge of the FDR community, someone would have some trick for tolerating these things well enough to keep going. Although Hazek does have an interesting idea (or springboarded one); since I would rather sit and do nothing than do my work, maybe I could try taking up meditation as a way to muster up the will to do my work.

I don't want to layer my experience on top of yours and pretend that's what's going on for you, but what helped me most in the kind of situation you describe was a conversation... and I'm not sure I could give you much in the way of specifics without having the chance to hear more about what's going on for you so that I can separate my experience from yours, and ask you questions to be sure that I understand what your experience is.

That alone might be helpful for you.  At least, when I was experiencing depression, nobody ever really offered to just listen to me.  Everybody had all kinds of advice, but nobody took the time to really hear or see me.

So if you'd like to have a one-on-one conversation, let's set something up.  How does tonight at 9pm US/Eastern (don't know where you are) work for you?