Freedomain Radio

evaluating a potential relationship, a convo for all donators and subscribers...

http://freedomainradio.com/BOARD/media/p/206596.aspx

It sounds like we've had some similar experiences.

When I was much younger, I used to get caught up on appearance. I'm sure I missed out on many opporunities because of it. As I got older and figured out what was important in life, it didn't seem to matter as much.

I've met some who obsess over culture, too. Everybody tries to carve out a niche for themselves, and I guess that latching onto culture provides a sense of purpose for some.

Very helpful convo.  Perfect timing for me to listen to it, too, as I re-enter the dating scene.

I agree that getting too hung up on looks is not good, but isn't physical attraction hard-wired and involuntary in us?  Can the switchover be willed or does it just happen?

Richard D:

nathanm:

Can the switchover be willed or does it just happen?

Up to last April 15th I had much empty and debilitating promiscuous sex.  Why you think I voluntary didn't have any since then?  I need very little will power to abstain from abusing myself that way now.  For me, doing regular self-knowledge and therapy frees me from the need to exert much effort and discipline to restrain myself from bypassing a person's mind to indulge solely in lustful sex. 

Now I'm much more interested in having deep productive self-discovering conversations before ever feeling like I want to focus on a person's sexual capacity and performance. For me, everything I do in my professional life seems to affect morally everything I do in my personal life and vice versa.   Does this make sense to you?

 

Wow.  Richard, it's brave of you to share that.  Congratulations on your progress and all the effort you have put into it.

Glad to hear it Richard, but I should have been more clear in my question.  When I look at somone I have a gut reaction of one sort or another about their appearance.  This does not seem to be a conscious choice.  So let's say I'm dating a girl who I consider ugly, but she's a great person...in time do I genuinely become attracted and no longer find her ugly, or do I consciously have to look past my gut reaction?  That's what I mean by "switchover"; going from unattracted to attracted to physical traits based on non-physical traits.  I don't know if that makes it clearer or not, but there it is.

Actually if you look out at the world it's self-evident that ugly people must not find each other ugly as there's loads of homely couples all over the place.  For me it's extremely difficult to not be swayed by aesthetics.  Maybe it has something to do with me being artistic perhaps.  I don't date myself, haven't done so for 18 years now...but I still will sign up for some dating site every now and then for curiosity's sake and man, the e-mails I get just blow my mind.  It's as if nobody gives a rat's ass what they look like.  And it's not just their face, but just plain careless photography.  People that look like they just rolled out of bed, like they're hungover, badly cropped, pictures of their dogs, pictures of flowers...pictures of them AND another dude...it drives me batty.  I mean, this is not unlike a job interview; you're selling yourself.  (Utimately I think online dating is about as sensible as comparing perfumes online.  It just can't be done virtually, it's gotta be brick 'n mortar.)  So I feel guilty about focusing on looks, but I simultaneously hate the society which guilts me for doing so.  It's such a double standard.  The media shows us all the rare, super genetically gifted folk and then tells us on the other hand that looks don't matter, it's what's inside yadda yadda.  Hmmm.

That is not to say that non-physical traits aren't equally as powerful and gut-reactionary as looks.  For instance, it doesn't take much for some hot-lookin' celebrity to become instantly repulsive the second they open their mouth and start talking.

 There's a gal at work who's about 60, but she's had the body of a teenager as long as I've known her.  I used to see her walking away and think, "Hmm!  Who's that?"  Then I'd see her face and go, "Ew!  She looks like a witch!"  After I got to know her and her combination of no-nonsense competence and her cute, bubbly personality (it's an amazing combination, I know), I don't even see the features I once thought were ugly.  I see the cuteness.

I have to say, now, that neither one of us are on the market, but think I'd have a problem if she threw herself at me.  Fortunately, she's too good a person to do such a thing.

It's interesting how a person's behavior can alter your perception of their appearance.

It works conversely as well. Sometimes I'll notice physically attractive women here at work whose undignified and immature behavior makes them appear unattractive.

Hi -

I just paid 10$ a month and was hoping to get access to stuff like this. How do i go about doing it? thanks.

Your donation level should qualify you for access to this, but I think Stef needs to update your status, which is not currently appearing under your avatar. If I remember well he has asked people to send him a reminder mail in the past - maybe identify the problem succinctly in the subject - I think Stef's mailbox is a bit like Father Christmas's on 23 December.