Freedomain Radio

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The issue here is not something that I am currently dealing with (outside of my head), but I feel it is something that I may have to cope with in some form at some point in my life. I will use a specific example for clarity.

Suppose I am at the bedside of a dying friend. As far as I can tell, he has never been religious – life was always about living. Yet now that he can live no more, his thoughts have changed. He wants to believe that this isn't the end for him; that he has something to look forward to. So hoping for reassurance, he turns to me and says, “Todd, do you believe in the human soul – that there is something else?”

What do I say? I know the best thing to talk about to a dying person is his life, and how he should be happy with how he's have lived. But if he's pushing religious discussion on me, how should I react? I can't just shrug it off, and I know I can't and shouldn't indulge him. But it seems damn near impossible to try to explain how religion is nonsense at such an emotional time.

I'm curious to see how others around here would deal with a situation like this, and perhaps how they would deal other people (family or friends of someone who has died) who are talking about similar things.

The person in your example is experiencing total fear. It's the inner child looking out and saying "Dad, I'm scared of the monsters!"

I wouldn't begin a lecture on why monsters are impossible in a situation like that. It's not what is needed.

Just to continue your hypothetical, here is how I would answer, and every word would be as true as the earths orbit around the sun:

I believe in a human spirit.

I believe that the mind and the heart are in a love affair with each other, and their child is the passion and strength that comes only from the love and acceptance we each have for the core of our own being. I believe in the grand beauty of the life well-lived. And, well lived, I believe that such a life's child will blossom into the fullness that it was meant to be.

And when that child has been all it was able to be, learned all it was able to learn, and loved all it was able to love, I believe that child will have left enough of itself in the world to know that even in its passing, it remains.

I believe you are one of these beautiful spirits, and that you leave behind spring buds that will blossom into whole forests for decades to come. I would not be here now, if that spirit had not been awakened in me, and if I did not love that spirit in you, as much as you love it yourself.

Look me in the eye, then, and see that child of love alive in me, and know: as long as he exists, death is not the end.

Sounds like the friend is struggling with nihilism in his last moments - 'either there is a human soul (the ego) that lives forever, or there is nothing and no meaning to anything'. Obviously a false dichotomy. Then there's the other false dichotomy, philosophical honesty vs comforting your friend, which are in fact synergistic.

I'd probably discuss the Buddhist concept of emptiness (sunyata) with him. IMO, it's both comforting and philosophically honest. Simple yet profound. It does away with the idea of a soul, afterlife and nihilism without being insensitive. There are a lot of errors in Buddhism as a whole, but 'emptiness' has great truth in it and has helped to lift me out of the pit of nihilism in the past.

How will he react if you tell him the truth?

Why?

Todd:

Suppose I am at the bedside of a dying friend....

...he turns to me and says, “Todd, do you believe in the human soul – that there is something else?”

What do I say? 

Well, If he really was a friend, then he would already know that you don't believe in religious nonsense and things like an afterlife. I don't think you can call it a friendship if you were not honest about yourself during his life. 

Logic fan:

Todd:

Suppose I am at the bedside of a dying friend....

...he turns to me and says, “Todd, do you believe in the human soul – that there is something else?”

What do I say? 

Well, If he really was a friend, then he would already know that you don't believe in religious nonsense and things like an afterlife. I don't think you can call it a friendship if you were not honest about yourself during his life. 

 

Yeah, I had considered this. None of my friends are heavily concerned with religion, so unless someone is making a joke about the pope, I rarely discuss the topic with them. (Much like we never talk about basketball, as none of us play or watch basketball). And even then, with the couple friends with whom I have fully discussed my beliefs, I can imagine them ignoring that at such an emotionally charged time. It's such a delicate situation, and I have a bit of a history of choosing the wrong words about sensitive topics.

And the same issue can apply not only to people who are dying, but those surrounding someone who has died - people whom I may not be friends with. I don't want to be the guy that ruins a funeral (as absurd as that sounds).

And Greg, your answer is great. It manages to both answer his question honestly and focus the discussion on the beauty and love in life.

GregG:

Just to continue your hypothetical, here is how I would answer, and every word would be as true as the earths orbit around the sun:

I believe in a human spirit.

I believe that the mind and the heart are in a love affair with each other, and their child is the passion and strength that comes only from the love and acceptance we each have for the core of our own being. I believe in the grand beauty of the life well-lived. And, well lived, I believe that such a life's child will blossom into the fullness that it was meant to be.

And when that child has been all it was able to be, learned all it was able to learn, and loved all it was able to love, I believe that child will have left enough of itself in the world to know that even in its passing, it remains.

I believe you are one of these beautiful spirits, and that you leave behind spring buds that will blossom into whole forests for decades to come. I would not be here now, if that spirit had not been awakened in me, and if I did not love that spirit in you, as much as you love it yourself.

Look me in the eye, then, and see that child of love alive in me, and know: as long as he exists, death is not the end.

Wow Greg, that sounds beautiful!

GregG, very nice.  I will go with that.