Part venting and part excited rambling:
I am now de-FOOed as of 3:00 PM CST on
Friday December 25, 2009. After several months of therapy – some
sessions including my mother, I realized that there is no
relationship to try to salvage. I had, however, been putting off
officially ending things, partially because I didn't want to put
myself through the attacks that would inevitable come from doing
this, and partially because I didn't really think it was necessary,
given that my words, actions, and just plain lack of regular contact
with my family for the past five months should have expressed this
quite clearly. Apparently that wasn't clear enough, or I guess there
must always be hope for a Full House-style happy ending where they
resolve their problems and hug it out at the end of the episode.
My mom and brother came to my house on
Friday, which isn't much of a feat given that the house I'm renting
is about a mile away from my mom's house. There I was, relaxing and
watching the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with my room
mate when they rang the doorbell and my room mate checked the window
to see who it was. As soon as he said it was a Jeep that he didn't
recognize I got that oh so familiar sinking feeling. I knew why they
were there, and I knew what I would have to do.
I greeted them at the door and they
came inside, exclaiming “Merry Christmas!” in an overly cheerful
way as if they could simply overpower and ignore my feelings toward
them and just pretend to be a happy family for the day – as if the
fact that it's Christmas would somehow change how I felt. My mother
hugged, and while I hate to compare something so minor to rape, I
certainly felt violated.
They said “It's time to open
presents!” as they started to climb the stairs to the living room,
and I told them “You can't just barge into my house!” To which my
mother replied “Yes we can! It's Christmas!” I chose not to
confront them on that lack of logic... but apparently you can go into
any house and do whatever you want on Christmas! I'll keep than in
mind for next year :)
So, we're sitting in the living room.
After about 10-15 seconds of awkward silence, my mother pulled a
present out of the bag she had brought. She set it on the coffee
table in front of me and told me to open it and I simply said, “No,
I don't want to open it.” She insisted a few more times, and then
the Intervention began. Their tactics essentially consisted of
calling me selfish – without actually using that word – and using
the old Catholic tricks of guilt and shame. I'm just going to
outline the points I remember:
-
The standard “We love you
because you're family.” and “Blood is thicker than water.” I
asked why they love me, and again it was just “because you're
family” and “we're blood”
-
“I love you and I would do
anything for you!” from my brother – implying that I'm a bad
person for not being willing to do the same for him
-
That I don't need to be best
friends with them, just to spend time with them. Even if I don't
like them. Because that's what families do.
-
You can't choose your family and
people don't just disassociate with them!
I'm depriving my
future wife and children of a relationship with their grandmother
and uncle.
-
What will my
mom tell people when they ask about her sons?
-
My mom has a
coworker with a dying five year old son. She'll never see him again
and it hurts her so much that I'm alive and she can't see me when
she wants to!
-
I'm hurting
the family.
-
“Are you
depressed? Do you need medication or a new counselor?”
-
I'm just
running away from the problem. What am I going to do when I have
problems in future relationships? Am I just going to leave them
too?
-
I'm being
selfish. I did confront my brother on this one. I asked why it was
selfish for me to do with I want, but other people aren't being
selfish to want me to do what they want. All he could say is
“that's just the way it is.”
-
My brother had
a perfectly happy childhood. Mom was always there for him, so he
has no idea where my issues are coming from
-
My mom has two
sons. I'm cutting her family in half!
-
She did the
best she could – when my dad got sick she got a job when she could
have moved back to Michigan to live near her family (we live in
Minnesota now) or gone on welfare instead! My brother and probably
would have ended up in social services!
-
She was always
there for me! She went to my concerts and track meets and
everything!
.Of course I RTRed
with them, but as usual my emotions were completely ignored. They
begged/demanded that I just come over for dinner. They would drive
me back whenever I wanted to! This really baffles me... I'm
obviously unhappy with my “relationships” with them but somehow
that is the most important thing. Somehow going to dinner and
putting up with the same bullshit I always have before is going to
make everything alright?
Eventually they
used up all of their arguments and left. I told them to take the
presents with them but they refused because “they're from people
who love you and want you to have them!”
I thought that
would be the end of it, but I got this email from her earlier today
too:
"Just
got back from the movie Avatar! I think you will like it. It was the
best movie I have seen in years. I would love to see it again it is
so good.
I
really feel sorry for you Chris. At least Kevin and I have each other
and our Michigan family but right now you do not have anyone.
Remember I will always Love You no matter what you say to me!! You
will always be a part of our family.
Mom"
Again, it's just
baffling... that's laced with so many attacks against me that I don't
even know how she can put the words “I love you” in there and
even pretend like she seriously means it. She completely disregards
everything I talked about and instead just wipes it away with that
holier-than-though attitude of “oh, I'm a bigger person and I won't
judge you based on things you say or do. I'm better than you.”
I feel so liberated
now though! I feel like I'm invincible! I finally understand what Steph means when he says that after dealing with that
situation, you can do anything! This entire process have been the most difficult thing I have ever done! I just want to thank Steph
and everyone here for showing me that this is a viable option, and
for providing such shining examples of how much life can change for
the better. I can relate to so many of the listener conversations
and they have undoubtedly helped me to organize my thoughts and
feelings about the Family and Love. Anyway, thank you so much for
everything!
Chris