Freedomain Radio

I haven't posted very much for the last week or so. I am most motivated to post when I've just learned something new, but since my false self thinks it knows everything and I've been very much up my false self's ass these past few days, I haven't wanted to write much, or really be around FDR at all. 

Firstly I apologise to those people I've spoken to who in any way had to endure my false self whining and intellectualising. I am so, so sorry. This is the first time I've really felt myself backslide since I encountered FDR. It's almost as if i woke up just now to discover some evil entity had taken over for a few days, like being possessed by a Goa'uld out of Stargate SG1.

--

Now I listened to podcast FDR362 today - "Forget about Offense" (or Offence, if yer a Brit). It struck a chord with me because it's basically about some fellow complaining about Stef mocking views he thinks are absurb or self-contradictory. I thought Stef's riposte was great (basically that only the false self ever takes offence at such things, and anyway why should he care about someone's irrational beliefs when they cause so much grief and pain in the world?), and it was a great smackdown for my own false self which has been getting out of hand again.

Despite a growing awareness of the asinine activities of the false self, if someone with authority makes an argument I consider flawed, even if I agree with the conclusion, I feel significant anxiety. It's not just any authority, but rather those who I associate myself with (in a narcissistic fashion). So in my childhood I would be as ashamed of my mother's values as she was of mine. And today, I feel a huge emotional tension if Stef uses an argument I think is flawed, especially if he then mocks or ridicules those who disagree with him.

My false self of course loves to latch onto this tension and indulge in some mighty Stef-correction - because of course the most important thing I can do to make the world a better place is argue with Stef, whose certainty and willingness to face the slings and arrows of the naysayers has helped me distinguish my own mystical murky false self and empirical honest true self for the first time in my life. Yea, verily, that's clearly what I should be spending my time on.

Next thing I know, I'm whining about logical flaws in the free will debate, or complaining that UPB is incomprehensible, when I don't even care about these things. So what if Stef is wrong? So what if he mocks my arguments? What's that got to do with my happiness? Since when did he become a proxy for my mother?

It's sickening how completely the false self can take over and make itself the normal appropriate response to emotional distress. And once in place, it deletes any ability to perceive anything honestly without the layer upon layer of made-up story and rationalisation. Please, my friends, if you see me delving into intellectualisation, kick me. I've no business getting involved in intellectual debates when I still get all false-selfy about it. Don't be shy, just tell me. If you're wrong, my true self won't mind the self-examination.

Flipping between true and false self feels like having two completely incompatible worldviews, and neither makes sense from the perspective of the other. It's absolutely effing brilliant to have someone like Stef in my face who's able and willing to just point out false self activities with no fear. It's my hope that some day I'll be competent and healthy enough to declare war on the false self just as Stef has done.

--

While I'm writing, some people have asked me how my first therapy session went yesterday. In fact it was just a 30 minute introduction, but I did get to talk about about why I wanted to get into therapy, so I talked about frozen emotions, intellectual defences, the possibility of defooing, and other things. The therapist didn't offer me any feedback in this first session, just mmhmm'ed a lot at varying volumes which seemed to reflect the emotional weight behind what I was saying. He is a therapist of the humanistic person-centred school, which is somewhat out of favour these days in favour of the cognitive behavioural therapy crowd, and he had a bit of a complain at the start about how government contracts all go to CBT counsellors these days, because that's the style that is most interested in goal-setting and collecting statistics about success rates.

I felt very comfortable with him. My first full session is next Monday, and I'm very looking forward to it. Oh, and his rates were half-price because I'm not working at the moment, which was a relief. He seemed very interested to do some childhood archeology with me, so i think he will be very helpful in helping me understand what was going on during all that.

Hope this is interesting for people. It's been useful for me to write down, and a few people told me they were wondering what had been going on for me. Last week I attended a friend's wedding, and it really forced me into false-self-mode (all that shallow socialising), which I didn't even notice at first, but then which really began to take over my life again to the point where FDR started to feel 'boring' and 'pointless' and maybe just downright wrong - which of course it would from the false self perspective. Fortunately something I read about Stef triggered some major emotions in me, and like the telephones in the Matrix movie, emotions are the way out back to the real world of the true self.

~Tess

ps @Luke ... so sorry for getting all maddeningly intellectual at you these past two days - you did a fine job helping me.

That is very interesting, I have noticed that people do sometimes get angry at me when they think that I am wrong, which seems strange to me, because I am certainly no authority at all. I am as subject to the same reasoning and empirical requirements as everyone else, and do not have any particular authority in any matter whatsoever...

I would hope that those who find me in error would find enough affection to correct me.

There are still many times in which I feel angry or anxious and tense about what people might say in opposition to my values.  I think the difference now vs. a few years ago is that I'm not but a fraction as reactive, as far as stimulus response goes, to those emotions.   It will take some time to get to the roots of your emotions, your history, the internal values or core beliefs you might have which may be involved, before you can begin to trust your gut and become free from being enslaved to them so much.  To finally be able to trust your gut and avoid those people and situations which provoke strong anger or upset, so that you can spend more time in situations that are joyful and relaxing, is the amazing other side to the work you are doing.

I'm glad you're in therapy now, he sounds nice and you sound comfortable with him and that's important.  Please, go easy on yourself.  You're going to backslide so be gentle when you do, this stuff is hard.  Give yourself praise for even the smallest of strides forward instead of criticizing yourself or worse for sliding backward.

I echo and '+1' everything said already, Tess. An unsolicited impression for you of what you wrote: You're very harsh on your learned behaviors or 'selves'... a fantastic tool for me has been to run how I criticize myself and others through the following filters: 1. Would I say or yell this at my own child? 2. Would I say or yell this at someone in a wheelchair?

If the answer is 'no', then my next question for myself is, "Then why do you find it acceptable to speak to yourself or about yourself in this way?" The results have been very rewarding for me.

On a somewhat related note, I don't think I'm alone in saying "Thank you," Tess, for your wonderful contributions (such as this thread).  You put a lot of thought into your posts, and it's quite noticeable

Stefan Molyneux:

That is very interesting, I have noticed that people do sometimes get angry at me when they think that I am wrong, which seems strange to me, because I am certainly no authority at all. I am as subject to the same reasoning and empirical requirements as everyone else, and do not have any particular authority in any matter whatsoever...

The way I experience it, I think (and this is all false self stuff, so I apologise in advance) is that if *you're* attacked, then *my* ego gets flustered, because I'm on your team. It's a narcissistic injury thing. Therefore Stef has to be perfect, or I might feel like I made a dumb choice when I backed this horse. It's so sad.

I wish I could engage my intellect without also engaging my false self, ego and whatnot. At the moment it seems so rare I can make any argument without investing my immortal soul in it.

Nathan:

There are still many times in which I feel angry or anxious and tense about what people might say in opposition to my values.  I think the difference now vs. a few years ago is that I'm not but a fraction as reactive, as far as stimulus response goes, to those emotions.   It will take some time to get to the roots of your emotions, your history, the internal values or core beliefs you might have which may be involved, before you can begin to trust your gut and become free from being enslaved to them so much.  To finally be able to trust your gut and avoid those people and situations which provoke strong anger or upset, so that you can spend more time in situations that are joyful and relaxing, is the amazing other side to the work you are doing.

I'm glad you're in therapy now, he sounds nice and you sound comfortable with him and that's important.  Please, go easy on yourself.  You're going to backslide so be gentle when you do, this stuff is hard.  Give yourself praise for even the smallest of strides forward instead of criticizing yourself or worse for sliding backward.

Ohhhhh. You know I never realise when I'm being hard on myself. I'm told this so often and yet I never perceive it myself until someone else points it out. I feel much worse if I'm *not* being hard on myself, because I worry about being selfish or self-indulgent instead. When I'm hard on myself, I feel like I'm making progress.

I used to feel irritation when people would tell me not to be hard on myself, like I couldn't even get that right! haha - the irony. At least I can accept it now, even if I can't yet see it happening, or understand why it's a problem.

Does my being hard on myself cause an emotional response in other people? Just wondering why everyone is so anxious to point it out. Does it make my writing painful to read?

ps thanks so much for the encouragement - I really appreciate it, ~T.

Dave Bockman:

I echo and '+1' everything said already, Tess. An unsolicited impression for you of what you wrote: You're very harsh on your learned behaviors or 'selves'... a fantastic tool for me has been to run how I criticize myself and others through the following filters: 1. Would I say or yell this at my own child? 2. Would I say or yell this at someone in a wheelchair?

If the answer is 'no', then my next question for myself is, "Then why do you find it acceptable to speak to yourself or about yourself in this way?" The results have been very rewarding for me.

It does make tears well up when I think of things in this way, and not in an 'omg you're so shit for beating yourself up all the time' sort of way.

I do feel pretty powerless to be kind to myself, since I just don't remember to do so until someone writes this stuff to me. Any advice?

Greg Minton:

On a somewhat related note, I don't think I'm alone in saying "Thank you," Tess, for your wonderful contributions (such as this thread).  You put a lot of thought into your posts, and it's quite noticeable

I'm honestly surprised that people enjoy my posts enough to thank me and encourage more of them. It gives me a thrill to feel useful.

Tess:

Dave Bockman:

I echo and '+1' everything said already, Tess. An unsolicited impression for you of what you wrote: You're very harsh on your learned behaviors or 'selves'... a fantastic tool for me has been to run how I criticize myself and others through the following filters: 1. Would I say or yell this at my own child? 2. Would I say or yell this at someone in a wheelchair?

If the answer is 'no', then my next question for myself is, "Then why do you find it acceptable to speak to yourself or about yourself in this way?" The results have been very rewarding for me.

It does make tears well up when I think of things in this way, and not in an 'omg you're so shit for beating yourself up all the time' sort of way.

I do feel pretty powerless to be kind to myself, since I just don't remember to do so until someone writes this stuff to me. Any advice?

Right, to berate yourself for berating yourself wouldn't do, would it?

As for advice, I'm not sure I have any, because you are doing it here and now, in this very thread. By interrupting and breaking the cycle of self-attack, you're engaging in the very process that will help foster and nurture empathy for yourself.

Dave

Dave Bockman:

Tess:

Dave Bockman:

I echo and '+1' everything said already, Tess. An unsolicited impression for you of what you wrote: You're very harsh on your learned behaviors or 'selves'... a fantastic tool for me has been to run how I criticize myself and others through the following filters: 1. Would I say or yell this at my own child? 2. Would I say or yell this at someone in a wheelchair?

If the answer is 'no', then my next question for myself is, "Then why do you find it acceptable to speak to yourself or about yourself in this way?" The results have been very rewarding for me.

It does make tears well up when I think of things in this way, and not in an 'omg you're so shit for beating yourself up all the time' sort of way.

I do feel pretty powerless to be kind to myself, since I just don't remember to do so until someone writes this stuff to me. Any advice?

Right, to berate yourself for berating yourself wouldn't do, would it?

As for advice, I'm not sure I have any, because you are doing it here and now, in this very thread. By interrupting and breaking the cycle of self-attack, you're engaging in the very process that will help foster and nurture empathy for yourself.

Dave

 

 

Great stuff! I have played around a bit with the whole "inner child" thing and thought about these sitiuations in terms of the treatment of said child. I always have a hard time holding onto this mindset consistently but it does always provide a useful perspective.

I'm glad to hear I am not the only one who has tried this and I am glad to hear that you (tess) are benefitting from it.

I don't have anything to say other than you are doing well as far as I can tell. It has been my experience of observing others that large mindset changes take about 3 years. So if you come in under that you're doing better than average

Hey Tess, great powerful post as always (we come to expect nothing less from you :) hehe), I think you've been through such an emotional rollercoaster recently and it's great that you're going be able to let off some emotional steam in therapy. Mega-big-time kudos x a gazillion.

We all have what we think of as set-backs, which can really 'kick our asses' sometimes, but I'm gradually realising just how incredibly valuable these can be as learning experiences. It's all part of the process of self-discovery and from my own (and many others') perspectives you're doing wonderfully.

I'm going to hijack my own thread with a dream I had last night. It's the first technicolor movie dream I've had for a while, and it can't be a coincidence it's now.

The setting: A university halls of residence with twisty turny corridors and rooms that are either dorms or classrooms. Think Hogwarts but without the magic. It's night time and most people are sleeping and the corridors are dark.

I'm trying to find my way out of the building, but every turn I take seems to lead into someone's bedroom or apartment, and I quickly leave, embarrassed. None of the doors are locked.

Eventually I start to notice some commotion going on ahead down one of the corridors, in a storeroom. Someone has been attacked by some kind of animal, but there's no gore. The victim just seems to be going insane instead, with little howling jaws appearing in various parts of their body and then vanishing. I become aware that some people are now shambling around like zombies, and if they get close to someone who's unaffected they reveal werewolf-like jaws which try to infect the victim. No one else seems to have noticed this is going on, even though there is a general air of panic.

I discover I'm carrying a pair of scissors and that if one of the zombies moves towards me I can just point the scissors at them, and the zombie turns away to find another victim.

An uninfected female student runs past me. She's the only person in the dream whose face I remember. I feel momentarily strong and useful for having the ability to fight off the creature that's chasing her.

Somehow I find a way outside, and it's clear that the zombies have taken over the majority of people who were outside partying. The scissors are still keeping the zombies at bay, but I realise that their numbers are getting overwhelming, and eventually they're just going to surround and overwhelm me. So I head out of the university campus. It's around this time I realise I'm dreaming, and despite not owning a car I realise I can just conjure one by force of will. A car duly appears, I climb in and drive away. I am not pursued. 

This then segued into another dream, which I don't remember. 

What a fascinating and amazing dream!

Why do you think that it takes place originally in a university setting? You have any strong memories or associations with higher education and a kind of corruption?