Since moving back to Texas I have been working with my dad in his dental lab. I had a lot of conflict with him at first, but I eventually decided to just not engage him anymore. He is a very unpleasant person, almost exactly like the Clint Eastwood character in Gran Torino--only much more mean spirited. He would say little things to jab at me and try to get a response, and I would either request that we change the subject or I would just give an innocuous response and quickly stop talking. This only infuriated him, though he was not open about these feelings.
For a few months now I've continued with this policy of trying not to engage (very difficult for me with him) and being assertive with regards to pointing out when he was applying double standards . As a result he became more and more irritated by my presence, frequently pointing out that "I am very difficult to be around" and that he "always has to walk on egg shells around me".
I have been struggling with the prospect of defooing for quite a while. I have been really ambivolent about the idea for two main reasons. The first being that I don't have much education or training outside of the dental lab and, with the market being what it is, I have had a hard time finding work or even saving enough money to possibly do something on my own. This is also a huge self confidence issue as I pretty much have been doubting myself every step of the way, and have never really had much confidence in my ability to accomplish goals. The second reason has been that in spite of the fact that I conciously know better, I still have strong feelings of guilt about breaking with my mother. All this in spite of the fact that she has been physically and emotionally abusive herself, not to mention the fact that she saw fit to continue inflicting my father on my sister and I. I knew the whole time that these were just excuses and false self attempts to avoid what I conciously new I needed to do but I just couldn't. It has been terrifying.
Over the past few months my dad has been planning to move the lab to a new location. He usually employs the help of random castaways that he meets in bars or through a friend of a friend who are usually in dire straights. He exploits thier situations to make them into what amounts to indentured servants (a place I have been myself several times). Unfortunately, he managed to piss off the guy he most recently had working for him to the point of quitting. This meant that he now expected me to move all of the lab equipment. This was fine with me, as I am technically his employee. The problem came while discussing the best possible time to do the work.
He has been saying for a while that he would schedule time during the week leading into the 4th of July weekend to move. Instead, he decided that he wanted to finish a bunch of cases that could easily be futured and that he didn't want to move things in the afternoon during the week because it was too hot outside and it was inconvenient for him. Instead, he wanted me to put my weekend plans on hold so that I could come out early on Sunday morning and finish up in one day. I explained that I had plans and that it would be inconvenient for me and could we try to figure out something else. Apparently, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. He became enraged at me, claiming that I was lazy and that I did not want to help him and that he was paying me too much already (not true given the going rate). I pointed out that the principle he was working with was: Inconvenience = excuse for not working. Therefore it was irrational for him to condemn me for asserting the very same standard he had with regards to working on Sunday. I did not say I would not work for him, but only that It was inconvenient and that I would like to discuss other options.
He became furious and started screaming and cussing at me. At this point I was so upset that I started screaming and yelling back. He then told me that he would not work with me any more. When this happened all I could think was that semi-subconciously, I had instigated this argument so that I would have no choice but to move forward with my defoo plans. I have more than enough evidence to know that I will be perfectly happy to never see him again. As far as my mom is concerned, I don't feel as angry towards her even though I know I should. I am really scared about the prospect of finding work and not being able to pay bills or for the therapy that I know I need (and have been avoiding) but I know that it's worth it. I have a lot of problems that I still need to work out, but I know this is what I need to do.
The thing that scares me the most is my lack of confidence. My Dad is a context dropping machine and given enough time I know that he would be more than happy to take me back at the lab. I also know that if I broke with my family that they would always be willing to take me back. I NEED to break with these monsters. I am going to use this opportunity to do just that. I am truly terrified but I am also very hopeful.
“Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends.” - Tom Waits.