I think the problem is that I don't care. I don't care about others anymore. I don't care about morality any more. I should, but I don't care that I should, do I? No, I don't.
I was a bit concerned when the rumors started circulating this morning that someone in the dorm was dead, because no one knew who it was, and this is a VERY small school. The first thing I thought when I found out it was Ian was, "Oh good, he was one of the few students with a non-work study job, maybe I can submit my application once this has all blown over." I believe this would be called 'opportunism', something that's frowned upon by most people.
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I joined this community because of Stef's powerful argument from morality. But my reasons changed over the last year.
The fact that I am here for all the 'wrong' reasons became apparent to me a couple weeks ago, when someone asked if there were any sadists here. I mulled this over and quickly realized that I was a sadist. For almost 15 months now, I have been using my increasing knowledge of psychology and moral philosophy to manipulate and torture my parents. No one else, just my parents.
But oh! How fun it has been! I am perfectly able to be independent of my family, but I don't wish to be. Every lashing with my dad's belts, every slap I got for not practicing for my mom's piano lessons, every humiliating thing they made me do as I child that I'm still not comfortable mentioning here--all of it, can be used against them. And I have. Three weeks ago I reduced my mother to a sobbing puddle of tears while she was trying to check her email. I loved it! The next day, she brought me out to town and bought me a couple hundred bucks of shit I didn't want anyway! And yet, through all this, I believe I have been damaged.
The ideas Stef has shared with me have been enormously empowering. But power corrupts. I have no interest in being good anymore. My only interest is making my parents suffer. Turning them against themselves, against each other, against me. I would liken myself to Shakespeare's Iago, but without all the finesse. And here I am now, so corrupted that feel driven to brag about it!
There is only one twinge of guilt I feel, and that is with regards to this community. You have something here, you really do. But it is not for me, and I am not for it. I am not an asset to you, in fact I've become so toxic that I think I can only damage you. It is for this reason you should consider yourselves lucky to be rid of me, and I shall be happy to rejoin the mainstream as a moderate Republican with full knowledge of my evil, and all the benefits of being 'normal.'