Freedomain Radio

[With regards to our 'Ask A Therapist' #9...]

This is "Sue" of "Sue" and "Jane".  I'm the one who's friend is jumping from guy to guy.  I can't believe you would turn that around on me, saying that I had a problem as well.  What kind of society is this that I'm condemned for caring about my best friend?  You claim that I should just ditch my best friend because she has problems?!  That's horrible!  You also said that I most definitely came from a troubled home with a parent with an addiction.  That was wrong.  Both of my parents were stable and loving parents.  I had about as good a childhood as you could hope for.  My boyfriend listened to the entire thing and you reaffirmed his belief that therapists are worthless.  I always said that they can be very helpful.  But I was disgusted by 99% of what you said.  You turned the whole thing around into something entertaining for your listeners.  You shouldn't be giving anyone advice.  You claimed that I was trying to act the martyr by helping her and that she obviously didn't care what I thought.  You must be pretty messed up not to know what truly loving a friend is like.  When her whole family lies to her and says they like her boyfriend and then say behind her back that they hate him and I tell her the truth, it's me who in the end she thanks for being honest and her family who lets her down.   And, no, I don't love to live through her drama.  And, no, I'm not the "plain" friend.  And, no, I don't feel I'm morally superior.  And, yes, there are books and literature that help people with their problems!  How could you say there isn't?  In one sentence you say there are no books to help, and before you, Stefan, say that you've read tons of books on therapy.  Get it straight man.  You both ought to be ashamed of yourselves.  I think you can only do harm for your listeners.

Well, Stef, you should know better than to give your opinion when someone asks for it.

What a vicious letter!  I wonder what she was expecting... probably an affirmation of her current course of action. 

SUE:

You claimed that I was trying to act the martyr by helping her and that she obviously didn't care what I thought.

Interesting, how nothing that followed this restatement of your assertion did anything to refute it as a fact...

edit:

Oh, i understand.... thank Greg..

If she's heard even just one or two of Stef's podcasts on psychological questions, then this woman already knew exactly what Stef and Christina were going to say - and she already knew how she was going to respond.

The only question that remains is, will she let her false self dominate, or will she pay attention to what her true self is trying desperately to show her?

You are the gardener of wisdom...

UKD:

lol, I think Sue dropped a "600 bomb" on herself.

What's a "600 bomb"? 

Greg Gauthier:

Jumping into the stream cold, at podcast 600, and expecting to "get it"...

Ah, thought so.  Yeah I explained all that to Stef, that issue is resolved actually.  She finally came home from Florida, turns out the "sick" feeling she got was from the turbulence of the airplane where she was listening to it.  After more talking I come to find out that she thought I was saying that she was like the people in the podcast, I made a bad presentation beforehand.  As for the rest, it was cruel of me to throw 600 at her but since the subject was about children, something we've hashed out quite a bit, I thought it would be insightful and wasn't thinking.  I should have made it clear that I wasn't saying she was like that but rather that the majority of parents are, and that all I wanted was for her to validate that it was definitely "not the way to raise children" and she whole heartedly agreed.  

She found it disturbing only in that she couldn't imagine doing that to a child or imagine that anybody else would.  She completely agreed with the podcast itself, from the angle that I had wanted her to see it but I didn't communicate that part at all, I just threw it at her and she threw it back. Quite an understandable reaction, we were just in a hurry and she wanted stuff to listen to or watch on her laptop during the plane ride.  I've been asking a lot more about her family lately, her parents are agnostic as well but there are some issues with them which she has no problem facing and talking honestly about it seems.

Sorry for the misunderstanding, I posted too quickly before getting a chance to talk to her about it in person. She asked more about what I thought about it and she agreed. She also apologized for what she said and I apologized for such a bad presentation of it.  She felt attacked and I felt attacked but once we had a chance to sit down and talk over dinner it was amazing to me that we can always have such rational conversations about things. I felt that the issue had closure and so did she.  I felt quite relieved. 

I need to only have deep discussions like that in person and not over the phone.  There's more body language involved that way and its far more effective.

Nathan:

Greg Gauthier:

Jumping into the stream cold, at podcast 600, and expecting to "get it"...

Ah, thought so.  Yeah I explained all that to Stef, that issue is resolved actually.  She finally came home from Florida, turns out the "sick" feeling she got was from the turbulence of the airplane where she was listening to it.  After more talking I come to find out that she thought I was saying that she was like the people in the podcast, I made a bad presentation beforehand.  As for the rest, it was cruel of me to throw 600 at her but since the subject was about children, something we've hashed out quite a bit, I thought it would be insightful and wasn't thinking.  I should have made it clear that I wasn't saying she was like that but rather that the majority of parents are, and that all I wanted was for her to validate that it was definitely "not the way to raise children" and she whole heartedly agreed.  

...snip..

I'm new at this true-self thing but something sound not right. I can't put the finger on it but i'm sure someone will comment on this.

Well that would be fine if someone could point anything out that doesn't sound right. 

Let me give some more insight into this just so we're all on the same page though.  Stef thought it was cruel to give someone podcast 600, comparing it to sending a beginner to a double black diamond ski slope.  I completely agree, I don't know why I seem to think that other people can actually be thinking on our level here.  It is like a skilled surgeon just expecting me to know how to remove a tumor without any training. 

I felt she was reasonable enough to handle this particular podcast because she agreed with the little bit I had conveyed to her about its premise.  Had I communicated better about my intentions and given a little more background about myself I think she would have taken it a lot better.  I think my ability to communicate honestly in a true self manner has been very difficult for me, especially to those who are simply unexposed to any of this.  There seems to always be some miscommunication with people in general.  I keep thinking that sending them a podcast is the solution to that but it isn't.  The good thing is that she seems far more reasonable than most people are, either that or I'm just getting better with practice.  I can't really tell.

I just don't think I can expect anyone I meet, anywhere, to have the knowledge that we have here.  That would be impossible and it will never happen.  I certainly wasn't anything like I am today but was able, because I was introspective and reasonable like she is, able to be stepped through all this but it has taken about 9 months or more of someone as talented at communicating as Stef is to slip past my defenses.