So, I've agreed to go to dinner with my mom after a few months of short, sporadic and infrequent contact. The last long talk we had was when I told her how I felt about the relationship. I told her that I don't like seeing her name on the phone, I don't like answering it. I feel bored in our conversations, and I feel down most times when I spend time with her. I also said that it could be entirely my issue that's causing these feelings. I got quite a few responses back, but I'll put the ones down that affected me the most.
One of the first things she said was something along the lines of "what do you want me to say to people? My son lives in the same building and has only come up to see me 10 times or so in the past year, how is that going to make me feel?"
My response was not about my feelings, but a response to the question. "You can say whatever you'd like, that's up to you"
When I told her about a general lack of desire to talk to her abou almost anything, I got "it wasn't that bad. We weren't perfect but it wasn't that bad. Was I a horrible mother?" I didn't talk about my feelings here, I defended myself, saying that I didn't say she was a bad mom, and I was just trying to tell her how I feel.
a few of the other things she'd said ...
"what do you want me to do, stop calling you and don't talk to you? Because that's what I'm getting from you"
"You think I don't feel bad when you don't answer your phone, to know my own son is avoiding me... how do you think that makes me feel?"
I also got met with guilt trips like "what if I'm having a heart attack, what would you say if you found out I had a heart attack and you didn't answer the phone", as well as hints of my naievity with regards to some of the therapy I was in.
In each of these instances, I defended the accusations rather than focus on my feelings. Feelings are something that weren't encouraged by my mom, and actively attacked by my dad (if someone's crying in a movie during a touching scene, he always makes fun of it with really whiny "wah wah wah" sobbing noises followed by laughter). I have a very difficult time being able to communicate my emotions to other people or with myself.
So I'm not looking for a script, just a bit (or a lot) of light on the situation. I intend to tell my mom that I have a hard time talking about my emotions at all, and that makes me pretty anxious. that I want t talk about my emotions with her in the moment but I find it very difficult to do. Any advice on how to stay connected to my emotions in the moment would be appreciated, and any questions are welcome for clarification.