Freedomain Radio

Stef and crew,

Could use a bit of guidance about how to deal with a problem you cant really define (as my wife doesn't want to talk about something), gets pissed when you ask questions (I wanna help, but all it does is irritate the situation), and I have no idea what to do.  My wife is foreign and Japanese, so she isn't really all that into explaining frustration.  She tells me that she appreciates when I try to help, but then in the process of me helping will put up some walls and not even acknowledge that I'm trying to help. She goes as far as telling my cat (that i'm watching while my mom travels in spain for a couple months) to go "F herself, your fat, smelly etc".  We have been married for 7 months now, and her attitude has only gotten bad in the last month or so.

1) What approach is best to deal with someone in this mindset?

2) Is it even my business to be trying to help someone that can't help themselves?

3) I love her, but when she is in these moods how do you married guys handle it?

Sorry if I'm painting a bit of a bad picture of my wife, but lately everyday she comes home from work its been like a constant angry bitchy attitude.  I'm getting fed up, and really need some guidance as to how to constructively approach this.  My first instinct is to sit her down, tell her that I am not going to accept any negative energy or any bad feelings that I didn't create or ask for.  If I screwed up, tell me so I can fix it.  If its something else...get a hobby or something to blow off steam rather than coming after me and the cat.

Man just re-reading that just sounds horrible...

Beau

Sounds difficult.  Have you read RTR.  It is a quick read and is free on the site.  I would tell you my thoughts, but they are basically a rehash of what is put very eloquently in that book.

Personally i wouldnt continue a conversation if the person already starts angry. I would stop and tell the other person that i will continue when he / she is calm and reasonable.

erofact:

Personally i wouldnt continue a conversation if the person already starts angry. I would stop and tell the other person that i will continue when he / she is calm and reasonable.

Too my way of thinking (and I could be way off, mind you) that sort of reaction would be seen as patronizing and somewhat more enraging by the person who is expressing anger.

I've had very good luck simply validating their emotions. "You seem really angry"-- it might be the first time in this person's life their emotions have been acknowledged.

To reference a recent podcast, Dr. Schwartz called the walling off of exiled personas or emotions as 'cystized', a bit of imagery I really like and see as apt. If you encounter irratonal or seemingly illogical rage or anger when showing curiousity about someone's feelings or challenges, certainly it's possible you are running up against this cyst, which acts as a wall or defense against the hurt this person experienced a long time ago.

Respect the anger and defenses, they are there for a reason.

was she this way before you got married?

Stefan Molyneux:

was she this way before you got married?

Well he said "We have been married for 7 months now, and her attitude has only gotten bad in the last month or so.".

So something must have happened in the last month or so.  He also mentions she's in a bad mood when she comes back from work.  So perhaps something at work in the last month. That should narrow it down a bit.  Maybe if he asked at work they'd give him a hint.

Stefan Molyneux:

was she this way before you got married?

No not even Stef, thats the part that sucks a lot.  In the last couple weeks she has been working longer hours, and her supervisor that she was close to quit to go to a new job.  She doesn't really know about the company as its a smaller firm that doesnt really support their accounting team much.  She is more comfortable with repetitive/solid system accounting compared to startup style.  Those are probably the primary factors that have contributed to this. 

My big issue is how to deal with it.  Most of the time she is ok, but its those times that I just can't understand if she is showing rage or the like.  How do you deal with an undefined issue?  I know it frustrates her to work in an unstable business environment, but she is used to Japanese style corporate work.  They already predefined the role., you do xyz and you are good to go.  But its the startup American style of making it work, nothing defined, and you are probably wrong if a customer says so..she just doesnt get. 

Only options that I can think of are to make enough to cover all bills and tell her to quit so she can find something that she likes more.  She always has that option as I can make it work, but I know her.  She wouldn't want to quit unless she has something lined up or if there was much better offer.  Gotta work on getting some more income.   But even if I had 100x the cash I have now...still doesnt change the idea that her attitude towards me in times of frustration hurt me.  I didn't cause any of your pain if its work related, so why take it out on the family here>??

Does that help explain the situation better?

Dave Bockman:

erofact:

Personally i wouldnt continue a conversation if the person already starts angry. I would stop and tell the other person that i will continue when he / she is calm and reasonable.

Too my way of thinking (and I could be way off, mind you) that sort of reaction would be seen as patronizing and somewhat more enraging by the person who is expressing anger.

I've had very good luck simply validating their emotions. "You seem really angry"-- it might be the first time in this person's life their emotions have been acknowledged.

To reference a recent podcast, Dr. Schwartz called the walling off of exiled personas or emotions as 'cystized', a bit of imagery I really like and see as apt. If you encounter irratonal or seemingly illogical rage or anger when showing curiousity about someone's feelings or challenges, certainly it's possible you are running up against this cyst, which acts as a wall or defense against the hurt this person experienced a long time ago.

Respect the anger and defenses, they are there for a reason.

 

 

Thats basic stuff but thanks for making that clear comment. I liked it.

I could have read it wrong but i thought the guy said that her wife didnt want to discuss with him about any topic. If you just wait until shes calm and then ask her or say: You were very angry the other day, what happend? I think thats a much better approach than instantly hanging on her lip especially because it happend regularly and the guy want to solve to problem instantly.

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