Freedomain Radio

I have little to no realtionship experiance and really need some help. I'm in love with someone who cant love me back. The pain of everyday wakeing up with an intense love for someone and then remembering they dont feel they same way and never will is unbearable. He lives far away so usally my feelings for him are mildly surpressed but hes come back to the city and seeing him everyday makes it worse. Ive had friends tell me to just move on and theres lots of guys and girls out there that can love me back but that doesnt give me any comfort  What I need to know is how to get over these feelings I have for my best friend. . The first thing that pops into my mind is to simply talk with him about it. Then I  question  if im bringing it up because I think he will magically change his mind or if it really is to get over my feeling. Either way I am petrified to bring it up, I'll be sitting there, the words are in my mouth but i just cant release them. I'm very confused. If he is this great person why am I so scared to talk to him about it? I also wonder if anyone here has ever had  their best friend or someone of the same gender fall in love with them? how did you react? was it wierd? did you still remain friends? My heart feels like its full of sorrow and pain all day long, If anyone has advice on anything i've said I would appreciate it.

Aaron727:

I'm in love with someone who cant love me back.

Why can't he love you back? or are you saying he "doesn't love you back"?

Aaron727:

The pain of everyday wakeing up with an intense love for someone and then remembering they dont feel they same way and never will is unbearable.

Maybe this will help, I tend to look at these kinds of dilemmas in 2 ways:

1. The other person doesn't love you back because your values are not the same. Thus there are things about this second person you don't know yet, but if you did you would not love that individual. Move on and don't sweat it.

2. Your values are in line with the other person, but the person you love doesn't realize it. In this case you need to work to show this person that you do have same values. One strategy could be just talking to this person. Another could be surprises, poetry, spending time with the person, and so on. The main point is you have to think of it as a puzzle to solve. (going through this process could lead you to the result of situation 1-->either way you're still better off).

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have questions.

aljmiller87:

Aaron727:

I'm in love with someone who cant love me back.

Why can't he love you back? or are you saying he "doesn't love you back"?

haha sorry I left this out I'm "bisexual" and he is "straight"

 haha yeaaa, that can make it tough (please understand that i'm not laughing at you, just with due to the unfortunate irony).

Well... hmmmmm it is quite possible that he can never love you in a physical/sexual sense. As for me, I'm 22 and I went through a bi phase from around 20-21. I don't regret it, it was fun and i was curious (the type that tends to try everything once). Looking back, i think tried it b/c of the emotional state i was in, which wasn't necessarily negative, just.... i don't know... less of the desire to be the masculine need to be in control and in charge. I might be more open to talking about it in not-so-public forum.

Anyway, back to you, if you do love this person you need to understand he's not in a place where he feels comfortable expressing emotions of affection in that way. If you do love him, be good to him and help him grow. Maybe one day he'll feel comfortable enough... but this might be a long stretch.

You pose a very interesting question/issue and i guarrantee i'll be thinking about this for a little while.

Did you ever experience this kind of desparate wanting, and inevitable rejection, when you were a child?

First off, understand that what follows is me speaking out of my rear.

But, it seems strange that you could say, "I am deeply in love with this person," and yet follow that with the fact that he can't "love" you based entirely on his biological setup. So this sounds like there's a bit of a disconnect in your definition of love. Would you settle for being strictly emotionally intimate with this person in a "brotherly" sort of way? Does loving him absolutely require putting stiff things in squishy places?

If your answer to yes to the first question, and yet love is still impossible, then I don't see why you would even want this love to happen. If your answer to the second question is yes, then it's safe to assume self-work is needed.

Stefan Molyneux:

Did you ever experience this kind of desparate wanting, and inevitable rejection, when you were a child?

Yes,I sure did

Chaohinon:

First off, understand that what follows is me speaking out of my rear.

But, it seems strange that you could say, "I am deeply in love with this person," and yet follow that with the fact that he can't "love" you based entirely on his biological setup. So this sounds like there's a bit of a disconnect in your definition of love. Would you settle for being strictly emotionally intimate with this person in a "brotherly" sort of way? Does loving him absolutely require putting stiff things in squishy places?

If your answer to yes to the first question, and yet love is still impossible, then I don't see why you would even want this love to happen. If your answer to the second question is yes, then it's safe to assume self-work is needed.

If your friends with someone who you are very close with and attracted to I would say a romantic realtionship would be something you would be interested in. In my case I realize he loves me in a brotherly way but  I want more.  He cant love me in a romantic way due to biological setup, so I'm trying to get over those feelings and dont really know how.

Stefan Molyneux:

Did you ever experience this kind of desparate wanting, and inevitable rejection, when you were a child?

yes I had constant rejection from my parents and peers groups. I was a very sad little boy. All I wanted was love and acceptance.

I'm so sorry to hear that  -- it seems to me that this would be very much related, what do you think?

Stefan Molyneux:

I'm so sorry to hear that  -- it seems to me that this would be very much related, what do you think?

let me see if I understand you. I  had a intense desire for love  and was inevitably rejected when I was growing up and thats why I would develop feelings for someone who cant love me back? That feels like it could be right but then I think I love this person for who they are and because just being around them brings pure joy into my life. I have never experianced that with anyone before. Maybe its both I love him because of his posittive qualities and my feelings developed further because of the rejection in my childhood. Im still confused.  Could you explain more?

I was also a very lonely child growing up because I've always been kind of a uber-rational introvert for most of my life. Based on the kids in middle and high school relationships around me I made getting "into a relationship" with someone who is physically attractive this weird absolute goal. When I would think of the girl I had feelings for I wouldn't be thinking so much about her as an individual with values, thoughts, and emotions, I would picture whatever I thought getting into a relationship with said person would do to my life. I would see myself with her on our wedding day with lots of people happily smiling at how happy we were, I would see us out on a night on the town enjoying each others company so much that they were jealous. What I've realized recently is that a relationship is for COMMUNICATION of said values, thoughts, and emotions, not just some title you add to your name to make other people think you are happy. I was really just adapting the cultural fiction of what a relationship means because I had had it shoved down my throat my entire life.

For example, the other night I was at a local club with a few friends. A female friend asked me why I didn't go "pick up some ladies" or "try out some game". I told her I was completley open to talk to whomever wanted to talk with me but by creating this false-self of "game" I would just be acting out a cultural falsehood and not be true to myself.

 I have had someone of the same gender fall in "love" with me. The reason that I put love in quotation marks, is this person had no respect for my boundaries and preferences. She simply wanted what she wanted, so I would assume I was nothing but an object to her. I eventually cut off all contact with her abruptly, going so far as to have someone else deliver the message, with the insinuation that legal action would be taken if any attempt to contact me was made.

I will assume that you really do care for this person. And it seems he does care for you. Just not sexually. I would not try to discuss this with him, if you have both been clear on sexual orientation. I'm afraid you may be trying to recreate rejection in your life, maybe feeling that you don't deserve love. You should be enjoying an adult relationship, whether sexual or not, by realizing that adult relationships are voluntary, not unconditional, and the fact that he is your friend means that he finds value in you. Try to find it in your heart to celebrate that, and not be sorrowful that it is not exactly everything you want all in one person. You will find that almost no one person will be able, or willing to supply all your needs and wants, and that is why we are social creatures; to increase our odds of happiness and success.

blondie:

the fact that he is your friend means that he finds value in you.

Well said blondie. =D