Freedomain Radio

I live with my parents. (Age 19)  I work for my father.  I've come to the conclusion I need to get completely away.  Completely.  I really have no idea how to do so without being sucked in by the pressure and guilt I feel every step I take away.  I've been listening to the FDR podcasts and have been really impressed by the reasoning and really shaken by the fact that my family is just that way(lacking violence and they don't seem to understand my logic and I don't think I believe that they're doing it on purpose).  Can anybody share their ideas or maybe personal experiences or perhaps even a couple more podcasts I could check out.

I guess I would describe myself as a limb of my parents.  I feel so guilty going against them I would rather go against my personal beliefs than theirs.  I can see how destructive this is in my thought process, and I know this needs to end now.  Hopefully someone can help me keep my sanity for my parents now know they are losing me and will do anything to hold on and I fear it is just too much to bare. 

I need to get out, I just don't know where to go.

I'm so sorry to read this post, I know exactly what it's like to struggle with what feels like an insurmountable inability to communicate with one's parents. May I ask, in what ways have you tried to tell them how you're feeling?

I have always asked a lot of questions so I've always wanted to talk about how I really feel.  I've been very open and honest about things but it goes nowhere.  I point out extreme hipocracy and they say they understand and that it doesn't matter.  I must accept it or ignore it, and move on.  And I agree.  This is why I feel I've got to get away.  I feel extreme guilt for things I truly believe are virtuous because I worry that I am hurting my parents.  I know this is irrational and I try to explain, but every time I do, I LOSE.  ha ha.  I always get guilted into agreeing, at least to an extent unless I "hurt" my parents.  But they refuse to see they're hurting me as well so we can work on our problems together.  This is, as you can imagine, frustrating and futile to say the least.

Twotimestu:

I point out extreme hipocracy and they say they understand and that it doesn't matter.

Just so we're clear, are you pointing out what you feel is hypocrisy in their own actions towards you, or hypocrisy elsewhere in the world?

I can tell you from personal experience that reading/listening to Stef's book Real Time Relationships is enormously helpful when it comes to learning ways to resolve interpersonal conflicts, especially those we might experence with our parents.

A combination of both I guess.  It's only reccently that the discussions have led to frustration.  And I am downloading part one as we speak.

Twotimestu:

A combination of both I guess.  It's only reccently that the discussions have led to frustration.  And I am downloading part one as we speak.

Wow, that's atrocious, I'm really sorry. Please do dig in to RTR, I hope you can find a way to communicate these frustrations to your parents...

I know exactly how you feel Twotimestu. I've been through a very similar situation with my parents and most important thing was to constantly remind myself that parents and children don't exist.

What I mean by that is that "parents" and "children" are just concepts. Lets say your parents names are Molly and Dan and your name is Chris. There is no moral category called "mom" that Molly is an instance of, no moral category called "dad" that Dan is an instance of, and no moral category called "child" that Chris is an instance of. They all fit in exactly the same moral category as every other moral agent, no more, no less.

You are not obliged to see Molly and Dan and they aren't obliged to see you. It's completely irrelevant if they spent years taking care of you, it doesn't create an obligation for you to see them as an adult (e.g. lets say somebody kidnapped you and took care of you for years, would that create an obligation for you to see them? lets say that you were forced in an arranged marriage and the other person took care of you, would that create an obligation to still see them? why is this fundamentally any different from a non-voluntary relationship between you and your parents?). The reason why it's irrelevant is that all relationships are voluntary. If the relationship is non-voluntary then doesn't really count as a relationship. It's like the free market vs. central planning - without voluntary choice it's impossible to know what people's actual preferences are. If the relationship is non-voluntary then it's impossible to know if these people would freely associate with each other.

I think the only thing keeping you back is that you don't want to be classified as a "bad son" and you don't want your parents to feel guilty for being "bad parents" because then they will try to project their anxieties onto you. When "parents and children don't exist as moral categories" finally clicks, the notion of "bad son" and "bad parents" will become completely ridiculous to you and you'll be ready leave since you'll no longer be trapped by this irrationality. Yes there are consequences, but deal with the consequences and don't let nonsense categories like "bad child" and "bad parents" cloud your judgment and keep you trapped there. That's precisely why false moralities and concepts like these were invented in the first place - they're really effective at keeping you permanently trapped in your situation.

A little tip: I found that calling my parents by their first names instead of calling them "mom" and "dad" were extremely helpful with understanding that "parents" don't exist as a separate moral category.