Freedomain Radio

The following is an excerpt from my blog about me breaking my addiction to make-up that I thought might be helpful to the women on this board who have experienced something similar . 

Several interesting things have come up since I've started to focus on my internalized shame. I'm currently reading "Healing the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw, and aside from the first Alice Miller book I first picked up, it's the most psychologically liberating book I've ever read. Whereas Alice Miller really helped to reflect back to me the general experience of my childhood, this book has such specificity to what I suffered. I feel like it's written about my life. It's a revitalizing experience to finally put a name to the symptoms I've had, to the ego defenses I've engaged in throughout my life, and to realize that I'm not alone in what I've experienced in my own head-space as a response to what happened. It's a feeling of lifting the world off of my shoulders to realize that most people respond the same way to abuse, that it was indeed abuse, and that I didn't have responsibility for the defenses I constructed as a child. Shame is so isolating at its core. You believe that you alone are the bad one, the dirty one, the sick one, the crazy one, the fundamentally and irrecoverably defective one. The reason that full recovery from a shame-based personality is so rare is because exposure is what a shame-based person fears the most, and the honest expression of any of his deepest true feelings, symptoms, and experiences feels like a complete exposure of his totally corrupt and flawed self. And as Stef has said in the past, discovering the true self often involves embracing the exact opposite of what has seemingly come naturally before. 

It seems there are 1,001 manifestations of the shame-based personality, many in the form of addictions, psychological defenses, and reenactments of shaming experiences. I've been giving some specific consideration lately to the physical and sexual symptoms of my shame-addiction/avoidance. One day a week ago I woke up and I just didn't want to wear make-up anymore. I don't even know if I can fully explain why that feeling just came all at once. Since my adolescent years, I've had acne, and I was shamed for it both by my peers at school and by my mother, who always attributed it to "not taking care of your skin," which A) is a load of nonsense and B) would be her fault for not teaching me. She knew my father had it heavily into his 20's, and that it is strongly linked to genetics. I tried so many different strategies to get rid of it, including different prescriptions, products, and natural remedies. It had catastrophic effects on my self-image, my ability to feel attractive, and to feel comfortable and engaged in any kind of romantic interaction. Oftentimes, I felt too ugly to be seen in public and wanted to hide away but couldn't. I do think acne has an effect on self-esteem either way, but I know that in my case the effect was amplified about 1,000 times over by my already savaged sense of self-worth and sensitivity to shame. 

Now I'm rewriting my script. I woke up one day and thought, "I'm starting to feel genuinely valuable in so many ways now. Why do I feel like I need this make-up so badly?" I know why. It was a shield protecting me from what I feared the perceptions of other people would be. "Ew, look at that ugly girl. She must be dirty. Can't she take care of herself?" That's not the world. That's my mother. Even if other people in the world do think that of me, they're like my mother and consequently not healthy for me to be around. I have so much more to offer the world than the appearance of perfect skin, enhanced lashes, and rouged cheeks. If people are going to reject me or accept me or value me based on my conformity to beauty standards, then I'm afraid I'm looking for a little more depth than that. 

So for the past week, I've worn no make-up. I didn't set up any kind of rule or standard called, "I'm not allowed to wear make-up ever again or for X period of time." On the contrary, I simply said that I wouldn't wear it until I could give it up as a shield to protect me from real shaming experiences in the past or imagined shaming experiences in the present. It's been a really scary and sometimes painful experience, but above all I've started to feel more liberated and better about myself. I feel proud that I no longer have to cling to formulas and brushes to create an illusory value or to protect me from shame. I actually feel a little more connected to the people around me. I think to myself, "Hey, the more of us women who don't wear make-up, but still take care of our hygiene and clothing, the more women will feel like they don't have to be a slave to the cosmetics case." I've even been taking a long look at my genuine appearance in the mirror lately, and I'm starting to think that I'm actually not that bad-looking. My skin is even starting to clear up a bit, presumably as a result of not drowning my pores in that crap. 

So all-in-all I just wanted to happily report that I'm breaking my addiction to make-up and am starting to feel more valuable in and of myself. What I thought would cause me a lot of intense shame is actually now resulting in feelings of pride.

 fantastic post Colleen- thanks for sharing it- I'm glad for you:)

i too have found it difficult to deal with these kinds of things lately, but I felt better after reading this post.

That's terrific.  As a dude that doesn't wear makeup (two not mutually exclusive categories), I can still totally empathize with your combat against shame-based ways of presenting yourself to the world.  We do these things to hide ourselves because we don't think we're good enough as we are.  I haven't had wholesale success in fighting this at all, but I applaud your success and your courage in sharing it.

I did some research on the book you mentioned, and it certainly interests me.  "Most psychologically liberating book I've ever read," also sounds like a ringing endorsement.  What about the book did you find most successful: the theories it presents, the recovery tactics it presents, or something else?

I haven't read the entire book yet. I've just reached to part 2, which is where the methodology for healing is presented. Part 1 is just the theory, but I think it just helped me so much because I could identify so closely with so many scenarios described. I'd recommend it for anyone who finds that shame is an overwhelming force in his life. 

Colleen:

I haven't read the entire book yet. I've just reached to part 2, which is where the methodology for healing is presented. Part 1 is just the theory, but I think it just helped me so much because I could identify so closely with so many scenarios described. I'd recommend it for anyone who finds that shame is an overwhelming force in his life. 

Thanks.  I'm totally going to take you up on this.  I find myself experiencing a lot of shame regarding eating food in public and my physical appearance.  I think my shame in regards to these sorts of things stems not only from the bullying I endured growing up, but the complete disinterest and neglect I recieved from my parents when I expressed my sadness at my gaining of weight and general inactivity.  My sadness as a child probably stoked the insecurity of my parents' sloth, so I became a casualty of their suppressed self-loathing.

I also do not wear make-up. :)  About a year ago I had a similar call to challenge how terrible I'd actually look and feel without make-up.  It is going really great for me.  My skin has definitly improved and I feel like my appearance is much more geniune.  I've grown to really like the way I look.

So, congradulations!  I think you're going to continue to be very happy wth your choice.

hey awesome decision ditching the make-up. I think it is such a freeing experience to recognize and then correct a reliance on false comforts like make-up. I was wondering how you felt the first day you weren't going to wear make-up right before you saw anybody and I was curious about what your expectations of peoples reactions would be vs what they actually were.

I had a very interesting reaction to this post.  The first thought that came to my mind when I read the title was, "Ah, but you can still wear makeup and not have it be noticable."  Since it was an immediate reaction that had nothing to do with what you ended up writing about, I am sure it's significant, but I am at a loss to what that significance would be.  Maybe it has to do with my own obsession with beauty in women.

As for how you're feeling in regards to this freedom, I understand.  I went through a similar thing with my hair about 4 years ago, where I decided to stop putting any kind of product in it for the sake of others.  I felt really good about that decision then; it was so nice to get that extra 10 minutes of my life back everyday.

I've actually gone one step further in this, and again it was liberating.  I've been keeping my head shaved somewhere around 6~12 mm since summer, and it feels great!  Although with the winter coming, I might end up needing to invest in some hats!

And I'm going to have to check out that book...

Wonderful post, Colleen!

This is a very powerful realization to make. What do you think precipitated the decision? You mention waking up one day with these thoughts... but presumably it's been a long time coming.

For myself, I prefer the sight of your very pretty face without makeup.

Colleen:

When I came in to work the next day, one of the ladies pulled me aside and said I should really wear that make-up everyday, making some criticisms about the way I looked otherwise.

This is making me so angry. I think what happened was a good example of a slave attack - the ladies don't want to be alone in their make-up chains, so they encourage each other to go even further instead of breaking the evil spell and accepting themselves for who they are... Just a theory. It's great to see you took the courage to change things.

Cheers!

Spratzaman:

Colleen:

When I came in to work the next day, one of the ladies pulled me aside and said I should really wear that make-up everyday, making some criticisms about the way I looked otherwise.

This is making me so angry. I think what happened was a good example of a slave attack - the ladies don't want to be alone in their make-up chains, so they encourage each other to go even further instead of breaking the evil spell and accepting themselves for who they are... Just a theory. It's great to see you took the courage to change things.

Cheers!

I have a similar reaction, Spratzaman and I think you are spot-on pointing it out as a slave attack.

Colleen, I admire your ability to take more personal freedom and to challenge the mythology of 'culture' and live consistently with your values.  As a male, I find a woman who values herself and is not dramatizing 'fashion' much more interesting and attractive.  For what that's worth.

Great to have you in this conversation.

Imagine also the time it will save you, this means an extra year of life.

 Your commitment to maintaining integrity regarding the values and needs of your true self is admirable indeed.

I understand not wanting to wear makeup out of fear of some habitual addiction (and that you felt pressured into wearing) but I don't think makeup itself is some tool of repression.   Everyone has different associations with everything... to speak of my own experience with mothers fucking up their children, my mother always examined the state of my finger nails; even now, mostly when I'm nervous, I clean my nails instictively.  I realize that this isn't quite the same as the makeup, but I feel that nail-cleanliness is just the symptom of the pressure, and not necessarily the cause.  If you decide to wear makeup again, just do it for yourself, on your own terms.  Not as an obligation.